Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens Blog - WWW.LEEMCG.COM: January 2008

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Life in the sunshine state to the Lone star State finding Zen enlightment and my trueself

01/31/08

The reality of the truth I created, called RH to wish him a happy birthday of 49 years of severity. Ray hill is one of my heroes even though he is 2000 miles away. Did some research on bringing my pickup truck to California sometime in the fall after I get settled, made contacts at the city collage for schooling, and becoming A+ certified, and going to school for IT.

Had a friend who works in Law Enforcement check out my father, I figured out why I see him often and on occasion. He lives near the GLBT center, and lives in san Francisco and moved back int eh city, my dad needs to do some step work as do I with him. I wont bitch to much about that.

Went to a meeting this morning, and took care of business, and have other plans later today, spoke to a few friends, and have appointments and tasks to finish and at hand. I also called my folks, and took care of other affairs.

I'm going to have to get my truck weighed by a weighmatser or moving and storage company. And other tasks. Lucky for me its a California emissions model. And even the engine and intake mods are CARB approved. Made a few new friends.

Got a case manager at the Tg drop in center, and have other tasks, I also downloaded some DPS and Legal forms for the California DPS, and did some filming and 2^nd work for the movie Milk about the Harvey Milk riots of the late 1970s and start of the modern GLBT movement.

The city and state has apportioned funds for Transgender employment, and collage maybe I will get some of the funding I watched the press conference in city hall, I was coming from the library and met some cool Trans gender activists and lobbyists, I also did some research and might be able to get employment, for a lobbyist group for HRC and fighting for trans gender rights and awareness and get paid to do such, educating and informing employers, businesses and places on Trans gender awareness.

Today I was walking down the street and I saw a jody foster look alike, looked darn near close it might have really been her who knows I was in the Castro, and now shes out and proud. The San Francisco Public Library has a large collection of GLBT books, magazines and media that amuses me and much on coding and web development.

I had some of the documents sent over and shall see, my friend might have some shoes for me later. I also am worried about my friend, I also feel some folks with their phobia, and found a girl who acts like I used to, and very unladylike like and disgusting and a embarrassment to women and trans-women.

It amazes me sober, the drug culture out here, and folks walking down the street smoking pot like its a cig. Or the hard drugs I see the messed up trans folk, LSD, Heroin, PCP, meth, crack, coke, XTC, etc.

But the LSD and other hard stuff is amazing, and also amazing when someones walking down the street smoking pot how strong it is compared to the southern states, I'm glad to be clean, and sober and almost 7 months, and have what others don't hope, faith and a possibly better future and brighter tomorrow.

I miss my folks, I miss being able to talk to my grandmother, and folks about things, and my grandmother continues to use improper pro-nouns in me, I get missed a lot more or “miss” more and more out here., I'm tired of it, I wonder if its worth it. I have a few dating prospects some good, right now I need to work on me. One outside the city a bit in the countryside, and in the hot hills where A/C is the norm unlike SFO.

I also miss my friends, mentors. Carter, sonny, other folks at LAMBA some I had a crush on, I miss Taft Street, I miss Inversion, Hollywood Bistro, Catalina Coffee, Cafe Artiste, I miss going to various churches in Houston, The Quakers, UU, MCC and the liberal baptist Church miss late night runs to Kroger, I miss wal-mart, target, the resale shops on westheimer, I miss montrose, I miss pride. I'm feeling better and getting over my cold. I miss Nancy B, Kathy F, other folks. I miss 80s music, I miss county music, I miss Gothic, punk, dance, industrial.. I also Miss Dave from Lamba, and Danlle, Kam, and others from my past.

I also hope one day, Christan W, Lilly R, and others I harmed, did nasty things to with my drinking and substance abuse one day we can become friends or I can be welcomed back, I am out here roughing it and building a new life for myself, to ensure sobriety. I think after time one day I might show up to one of her TG meetings in about 5 years maybe on a vacation or so. I miss Texas, and have long term amends to make but I love (SFO) but I need to do the right thing by those I wronged.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Life and finding the lost strange little girl moving closer to the Bay

01/30/08

I slept good last night at the shelter, the movie filming about the Milk, and riots and start of the GLBT movement in San Francisco, CA in the late 1970s, I did some extra work for and casting maybe I can be on film and I have much to do for my life, future and family and love.

I talked to MLS and DLG, the nice guy whom I met at connect says my disibilliy could be reinstated, its amazing how laws, regulations vary from state to state. And things are working through the food stamp, and ga worker are reviewing the trust documents with their legal dept.

I have an idea on housing and planing where, to live, they have improved the bart service throughout the night, I have looked a little at parking contracts, lots, and truck storage, I also looked at taxes about 300, plus a drivers lic, fees, and the annual registration might be a little higher than in the lone star state.

My friend might bring some cute shoes tomorrow in 10s, and 11s we will see what we fits. I also got a case management at least temp right, now. And have a contact at city collage, I might be able to get a grant or loan, and go to school and get an A+ certification and study computer science and web design, graphic design, and web application design.

Thats My plan, a lot of the IT and computer company's will pay for SRS with their health plans, apple, IBM, semantic, and even some of the other company's which need engineers, and programmers, mainly women and minority groups (trans genders)

I am getting maimed more, and also folks are kind, and things are happening even slowly, the violence on the streets of San Francisco is rough, I am lasting the harsh winter, the lady who runs the shelter told me the city is keeping the winter shelter open until July which is at (worst case) when my Divisibility with back payment, and housing should fall in, when I will fly to Louisiana and drive my pick em truck back, and other affairs or get it trucked here.

Today I had coffee, sourdough, danish s, an Asian salad, and lots of water, and took a shower at the Trans gender drop in center. Got a therapist, and called my sponsor, and touched base. I also am upcoming in 7 months, sober. And Ive reached a point where the smells, memories, flashbacks, and honesty and caring and passive but firm and assertive and self-aware and accepting is well odd and obscure.

Last night at the Trans gender support meeting and the clinic, I had some Chinese food donated from Chinatown, given a lot of the Trans gender community is Asian here, and funded by the Asian community and other groups no surprise we eat healthy.

I have someone in my life that doesn't have what I have and is a little abusive, but more so. It saddens me to see all these fucked up cracked up, doped up, hopeless, transgender folk. Those who quit caring, the homeless who gave up, the godless, and where I might be now. It humbles you in sobriety but I cant force anyone to want to change or desire to change they have to make that in their heart, and want to change.

My father upon after my arrival was his usual self, denial we had some nasty words, hang up and a lot of yelling. And hes nasty, hes never been there for me (partly for my mothers doing) I don't think he ever wanted kids, or family, or much else. I think he remarried some young Russian gal who needed to become an American, does the whole perfect guy thing wife, kid, maybe he keeps a old photo of me for his lies.

I think he still goes to the ballparks, maybe the OTB, or has some vices even if he sobered up, Hes nothing more than a sperm donor to my mother, he also during some of our heated arguments while in Texas, told me he contacted The Berkeley Police dept, UC Berkeley police dept and had is two friends which are retired FBI agents, if anything ever happens to him he goes missing, he gets hit by a car, falls of a bart platform. I'm going to be the prime suspect, and because his friends are EX-FBI I will never smell the end, of being detaining questioned, searched and Ill have my ass shipped to san quieten.

My father is a jerk, a lier, and thinks not much of me, and wants me to finish what I started here and told me to get the fuck out the bay area. My dad is not any different than O.J. Simpson, a lier, womanizer, con-artist, and dishonest as all 12-steppers are cunts, bitches, and well just selfish. I hope I can make my father pound just as my grandmother, at least my father does call me his daughter.

It would not surprise me if he had a Vasectomy preformed, not to repeat prior (mistakes) anyway the therapist does group and individual therapy here and I might invite (MLS) and offer to let my father attend some sessions, even though I am prepared he wont show up,I think he would be a lier, manipulative, cheat, and bullshit.

I spoke to my sponsor, today and talked to her about some personal, issues, relationships, doubts, and life, love, and fear of the unknown. Monday they have a dinner for us TG folk should be fun, and next Friday is my appointment with my therapist in the Castro which should prove uplifting.

The tigers at the San Francisco zoo, should be released after the security improvements to the tiger and lions. It amazes me they allowed such a open area, the Houston zoo, had more security improvements.

I researched my other options and issues. I talked to Morris with the advocacy office and wanted information about my time spent for my misdo minders, the SFPD Trans gender liaison officer, is doing a class on laws, trans gendered, encounters with the police, and a self defense class should prove interesting.

I might also long term have a lead on an apartment in Oakland, not far from MLS and also from a friend I have that lives out that way a bit. I researched a bit, on bart, on the way to the Oakland wal-mart once where I was going to transfer to many eons ago in a past life.

I also spoke to Nancy B and Carter a bit friends of Bill W, and keeping things going into progress and enlightenment. I see folks with no hope, drive or whatever, it saddens me with the tools here how many TG folk go into prostitution, get HIV+ and do other nasty things, and just abuse them selves, some I feel should not transition have further issues. I became self aware, and accepting at the cost to my personal life, finical security, collage grant, friendships, loved ones, and the Houston TG community and GLBT community as a whole. Fucking up my life.

I sadly even though the severity out here Miss Houston, friends, places, loved ones, those who care, and well yada yada yada.

I met a girl who reminded me of my former neighbor whom I bitched about often, who even though she was wrong sometimes, and used me. (I know I'm a sucker) I saw a young version of her, an exact fucking twin I kid you not. Balh.

I also met twins of various bartenders, sponsors, friends of bill w, lambda center, and other folks I encountered during my path to self-awareness and enlightenment.

I met twins to others and women form Lamba center, Men from Lamba center, met someone at the marina dock, and alano club who has ties to Houston and knows Lamba Center and The Post Oak Club. Wow small world fist meeting at the marina dock, and I run into a meeting where the topic, story and speaker brings up Space City wow, small world on big family of friends of Bill W.

One of the guys who assaulted me had ties to Houston, it goes on and on. I am enjoying the filming of milk and the riots and start of the GLBT movement while keeping my appointments this week, next week and to infinity and beyond, with kindness, charity and life and love I grow to my true inner self, turn the bitch switch off and find inner peace, joy, love, my true self and enlightenment and most of all Happiness and Zen.

The birds here are huge the seagulls, and the pigeons are out of control, its illegal to feed the pigeons in San Francisco, in fact doing such is a Class C Midomonier or ticket misdemeanor with the city of san Francisco penal code.

Its important to notate I will get a back payment, and other issues and affairs I am dealing with while becoming established with the new me, and gaining control of the inner bitch and true self, and the lost strange little girl trapped inside my soul, lost at sea slowly becoming more and more at peace with my self.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

01/29/08

The one thing I want more than anything else which is doubtful it would or could happen given this persons age is to allow me to well, be accepted for my true self. Its more accepting and accessable here than would be in Texas, or Louisiana and even though its rough out here.

I mentioned I saw my own father recently whom is not much more than a sperm doner, he now knowning I am in the bay area, doent want to take my calls. Blah.

In other news, I had my feelings hurt today briefly, and the stress of life, but I know it will get better a meeting later is in order, and try and call my wonderful sponsor, I also took a commitment to set up chairs and books at a meeting every monday it gives me meaning and omph in life to live again.

My folks dont understand I hope my grandmother can not become upset with the gender thing, It would be more to me if she would reffer to me with the proper pronoun. It rained a bit today, I was lucky to escape it maybe its my higher power looking out for me, maybe mot.

I prayed a bit today, and might go browse some shoes, socks, and some nail polish or something before the clnic tonight. I am too tired today, prehaps on the weekend, I did a lot of walking, and ate good and ate veggy at the soup kitchen.

Life and the prusuit of hapyness and zen in (SFO)

01/29/08

I took some photos this morning, I am looking ok. It hurts so bad, today at the food stamp, and ga office and being unable to reach the disibilliy advcay group today. Its burr cold, I appricate sweaters and mittens and gloves. I need to go shoe shopping soon for something new, I also spoke to the grandmother and uncle today.

The trust and realtes items, are hurting more and more and again keeping me from getting help and services. I also my grnadmother today, told me I chose this thats wrong, I came here for help, to start over someplace less transphobic, and somepalce safe where I can use the bathroom most of my speeding tickets in houston were from being unable to use the proper restroom.

I took some photos today, this morning at the womens shelter and also met some but not much transphobia when I go out for services, I have had other lesbian ggs hit on me, blah. Im hurting, my back hurts, maybe its the hrt why I am so utterly depressed and the remnats of the cold, flu / food posioning or whatever.

Im tired of hruiting and dont want to drink or use, Im sick of it, today in front of the food stamp office I saw a drug deal go down, and someone using. I wish folks could have what I have, met someone who has 6 months and is 3 days away from my 07/13/2007

I got a bit done its rough here, talked to my aunt a bit. Im all alone it feels sometimes good thing about the tg group and clinic tonight, maybe Ill feel better out the cold.

I went to the soup kichen today and had 3 bowls of soup, 2 plates of salad, and 4 oranages, and a few slices of sourdough.

Its better than the usual shit hole, the only thing is this kitchen is and service place is pretty transphiboic, on some of the eveents it says its restricted to “genetic” women or women born women.

The LDS phrofit died, the 13^th in the history of the church, I wonder if Tohmas S Monson will repalce such, I think some of the church leadership accepts us or is devied amongst its own transphobia just as with blacks with the preisthood.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Life IN the bay of happyness

01/27/08

Monday is open trans thrive is closed until wed this week, shelter is ok, have to renew on Tuesday have an appointment at the GA and Food stamp office, wed the trans gender employment empowerment committee has a meeting at the glbt center.

Found a nice coffee shop sort of close by, also did some reading this weekend at the public library which is from trans men or other folks dangerous by the security forces for trans gender folks, and confusion. The cops shot some nut job today homeless who pulled a knife, they have been nice to me, given I am clean, sober, and staying out of trouble and trying to better myself the officers have been very kind to me, and helpful and followed up.

Its rough here but the affirmation and progress slow and steady is worth it, the disibilliy advocacy group and life is moving along Monday or Tuesday I should have food stamps and can go to safe way to get bread and some fruit for my vegan diet, the folks from the UU church were nice to me, went out to this middle eastern veggy restraint and ate ok, and for 4 bucks for my share was ok. Met some cool lesbian girls who were nice, and some other lib rial minded straight folks, who were nice, have some folks to watch the L word with later.

I admit I am lonely, went to the marina dock today and the Alano club, have a commitment tomorrow to meet my sponsor for queers crackpots and fallen women at the Alano club in the bay area, slept good, and still working hard to move on.

Ive grown to appreciate soup, sweaters, mittens, scarves, hats, beanies, and stockings and comfortable shoes for going up hills. The 6^th approach and can tie into services at a program and Tuesday can follow up with Taylor at tarc, found a hotel and place I like once my divisibility rolls in and I can go to city collage for a training program and applied for employment and empowerment, applied at the gap, and American apperial. For back room and a stock girl.

In other news, did a bunch of walking today, and my doctor is wonderful, filled my scripts yesterday, and admitted powerless over my problems, it saddens me to see so many folks who gave up hope here, and the confusion and panic that exists amongst those strung out on pot, or folks walking down the street smoking a joint, and cops don't care. The drug culture here is well very strong.

I wish others could have what I have, I wish those I encounter and I did meet another lady at a shelter that wants what I have, and is in a simulr situation and is sober, but never used or drank, but doesn't use. The vast majority need help and don't want it, I want a better future self-supporting, others don't in the wasteland, thats why the cops I think are nice to me, I am nice to them, calm and collected trying to make it in a world. And honest about my past, and misdemeanors, and not causing trouble. They treat me with respect.

01/28/08

Talked to MLS a bit last night, have a TG support meeting later, and other things to do, Might go hang out with my friend later in the building I plan to move into soon as well. Ate some cookies this morning and had coffee, watched others around me in insanity, hung out a bit in the Castro last night with some coffee, have my TG support meeting, renewed my housing, and have an appointment Tuesday at the food stamp office. Have a hotel in mind thats a bit nicer than the run of the mill crackpots, has a bathroom and shower in room, as well as a community room with a computer and direct tv which they get the LOGO channel, and showtime and hbo. So the L word, queer as folk etc are rocking there plus my friend lives there two thats also clean and sober and TG and awesome as well.

The drop in center is open later this week on wed, a shower is nice, have to do to laundry, and socks, my friend might have a pair of flats for me, and I have other things to work out and push for my appointments life, and future.

I also have to meet with my sponsor today, and go to queers crackpots and fallen woemn, and enjoyed the marina dock, and alano club, and had fun at the MCC and keep comeing back

Sunday, January 27, 2008

01/23/08

to whom it may concern:

I am sorry for what I did to myself, and blamed you when the problem was in myself, in order and approaching and the utter lack or resources, I had to raise the bottom and chose uncertainty, being humble, and honest with myself,

I am not angry at you (Christan) and left town very swiftly, discreetly, and utterly quick, for the reason of continuing with my aa-program, and working toward transition it talks about raseing the bottom in the 1^st step, and I did such in my program for my recovery and enlightenment and discovery. I left town in utter abandonment, discovery, power and faith.

I am grateful for your attempts (Christan, lily, and many others) who treyd to assist and my own trans-phobia, self hate, inscrutably, and fear of my true self that I left raseing the bottom for faith and hope of a better life, things are slow, but I am sober, growing up and working toward a better life.

I understand my banishment was for the greater good of the TG community, and glbt community as a whole, I tried to seek help and was denied on a few occasions, and came here to start my life over in a more positive and affirming place in the wonderful and over priced city of san Fransisco, I chose to walk away be homeless, struggle but make it, where else better to be homeless and tg than SFO.

I did this to me, and no one else, being homeless, and recently legitimately starting HRT and being more honest and open things and doors, are starting to open for me, I know you were just pushing me to accept myself, But I was hurt, one of the doctors here diagnosed me with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Jumping for a while shelter to shelter, I picked up a cold shortly after arriving on Jan, 6 2008 I made a trip to the san Fransisco county hospital ER on jan 9^th with a temp of 103 degrees, I also have had a bad cold, surprisingly. A week later I latched on to a trans gender co-Dependant whom I met at my home group of queers crack pots and fallen women at the Alano club and the 630 am meetings there as well.

I remained sober, the amount of drinking, and very easy access to drugs and all sorts of things out here amazes me. I got a sponsor that she is wonderful and we are doing step work. I also got back to a more routine after flopping around to the darker side even though I am housed with women, I with the change in sleeping and other issues, blacked out and went through the PTSD flashbacks, of rape, abuse and other things horrid in Houston.

I also remembered during my bad days, I came out to SFO when I was hanging around after hours nightclubs, and working for hire for organized criminal enterprises. I also remember other points, and painful things.

I came out here to get better get my life together, I have applied for divisibility given my doctor here doesn't think I should work for a while, I have slowly started with my hormone thereby, and the doctor told me largely, that I am in suburb health I gained some weight with my binge eating in Houston and other factors during the holiday season. I also have very good health, am std free and with all the abuse done to my body over 2 years I have a lot to live for.

I am grateful that folks Like Christan Williams, Lilly Reilly, and also John Koppman and others HACS, and elected officials are trying to make things as good and progressive as out here. In one of my trans gender groups (many) I found out about a possible once I get on disibiallity housing option in Oakland, close to a bart station in a nice area, not far from my aunt, and parking that I could affroid and maybe get another tg roommate the property is owned by a older sr trans gender real estate agent and developer.

Its rough cold, and I have other things going on, and my cold and health is improving I am grateful for everything you tried to do to help me, and I'm sorry that I clashed at you. And want you to know you don't have to be afraid and long term part of my step work involves me making ammneds, and since I got sober at lambda, got fucked up drunk in Houston. And cant handle drinking anymore.

I have made arrangements to have my truck stored and moved from Texas where it is now to Louisiana briefly and I am going to pick it up when I get more settled, but I am reaminging sober, focused and maybe you can meet the new and improving me.

I also have got some of my paper work for my transition at the trans gender law center, and stayed with my co-Dependant near ocean beach, and saw some horrid shelters, with lots of anonymous lesbian sex, and drinking and drugs. I also have been humbled and sorry for wastering and abusing your time, I also want to be honest with the factor I have ammeneds to make as a whole to members of the GLBT community for some property crime, and criminal misgiff I committed to various members of the Houston area glbt community and even at one tome some skinhead, raciest, sexist things as well.

I remembered a lot of the pain I caused others and had to walk away to bottom out to get the help I need, I love you in the spirit of my heart. I am grateful the community and your site, and I don't mean to be scared, one of my shelter experances involved ads living dressing and acting the part involved being hit punched and kicked and having a knife pulled on me by a group of males. And law enforcement not wanting to do anything but run my name.

I have seen the vigilance on the streets, homeless, those using drinking, and fucking and whoring. Being young pretty though insecure I get propositioned on occasion. And decline, my doctor has started vacanteding me against hep a + b for the reason of prevention even if a cut or fall.

One time while meeting with my up in the area almost up the hill I was at a burger king and some nutty homeless lady came into the yuppie burger king jumped over the counter kicked the cash register and grabed food and also garbed the cash drawer high on illegal drugs she than ate, and everyone in the diner with here got down on her floor to comply with her demands, I was the only one who did not comply as she ate the food and the SFPD arrived and was calm and family's and folks were shaking and scared off.

I am calm, staying out of trouble minuse my knife attack which I let go I wasn't hurt I lost some luggle and had a bag damaged thats gratitude.

I'm going to make it I did existence reas

life in the bay area (SFO)

01/27/08

Today went to a meeting at the marina dock, near fisherman's . I also went to the sf UU church today, talked and met with my sponsor, who keeps me busy, spoke about other things networked met other cool folks. Tommorow have a trip and apointments and maybe laundry to do, I also have other affairs I must finish sort of.

Spoke to the folks today, and walked up van ness a bit, and had some spicey inindian food, network made a few aquainacnes and good folks in a youth group. Sent off some job apps and found a worksource location and have much to follow up on.

Spoke to a few folks

Learend more about myself today I am my own worst nightmare, and found others And am amazed at the insanity and folks who hate and blame trans for their folks, for the most part its much better in sfo, I also researched more about my linage, also saw some missionarys today and a utah truck last night I saw, as well as a louisiana van, and a texas truck near the asain art musieum, and met some cool girls whom later I might watch the L word with.

I got rid of those loafers that blew out my heels, and browsed a bit, and took care of other affairs.

-
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Saturday, January 26, 2008

life in san fransico and the road ahead

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Today I learned something about myself my chapter to the gnostic, and my inner child. I learned what I need to do for me, drive and self will, talked to CP, today and MU as well, wrote some code, read, and also read part of the current issues of curve magazine, pc world, and pc magazine at the public library.

Going to rest tonight, sleep and become one with zen, going to the Unitarian Universalism church tomorrow and have other plans, trans-thrive is closed until wed this week. I also rested and have to go to the office this week to see about the SSDI and food stamps and ga benefits as well, composed a letter or two, made an appointment to see doctor freeman at tom O'Dell clinic on the trans gender health night, braved the rain to the trans gender health fair, got legal name documents from the trans gender law center in the James cook building that the fire scene was filmed in the bond film a view to kill. (which Duran Duran has the lead song)

I also talked to the folks, ate some soup at the kitchen, the nice SFPD officer followed up today, and ran those guys off and told me they wont bother me anymore, he busted them drinking at the park where they roughed me up, and caught one with a blade in the back pocket, the cops here are much nicer two us minus a select few.

I have a few ideas the guy at the disiblaity advocatacy place suggested 6 weeks to a year before my hotel room, I have been researching garages that will allow me to to store my Texas ranger as well, when I fly to Louisiana to drive and fire up my pickup truck.

Maria shriver might be a a candate for the next mayor of san Fransisco, it would be cool to have the governator as the first husband of san Fransisco, who is back in reelection in fact he is a moderate (rep.) and what I hoped Kinky Friedman would do for the lone star state, There are some funny videos on jib jab of the governator up for election.

Maria Shriver is supposedly very TG friendly and supportive of trans gender inclisuve laws and I hope she runs, another thing a lot of folks don't know is OJ Simpson the killer, and whom could have ridden on the airplane with me back from las Vegas on the way to Oakland. Has ties and roots in san Fransisco.

As does Bruce Springsteen, we were one of his first big city's he played in his glory days, and that allowed him to break mainstream. Sort of. And everyone knows Willie loves Texas and California. Enough drama however. On the the real issues.

Got my Spiro script filled today at Rite Aid, and Monday have to truck on back to the office, and run to the general delivery post office to pick up mail. Dreamed last night of doing the boot scooting boogie, and picked up my 6 month chip at a basic tenderloin meeting, which I went to 2 meetings yesterday night.

My heels which blew out are feeling slightly better and my health is in a bit better shape, Tuesday I might go get some veggy soup down in the mission at my favorite kitchen. I also applied a bit for a few jobs here in town with American appeal, gap, walgreens, etc.

Far two often most of the trans gender folk here are two good, for themselves not in unity and well some are whores, sluts some with no future some lazy, some sleazy not that I don't care. Furthermore I still grow into enlightenment, Ive lately not been around the insanity at the Alano club, though Monday 6:30 queers crackpots and fallen women is a good meeting there.

The also point I discovered more of myself and my own personal chapter to my own gnostic feelings, is I love this down, I left my heart in san Fransisco when I was born and I brought it back, its happening slowly but surely I am recovering into enlightenment. I ran into more recently a few strange things.

I might go down tomorrow to fisherman's wharf with my sponsor to check out the dockside club or wherever down there, or might check out the Castro country club (12-step meetings) I have faith I see others who want it or are two messed up and fogged to want it it shames me seeing messed up trans folk here, some with calirity some without, I made a few trans friends of various varitys but I have to get my life going and spinning rice round like a record baby!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

01/16/08

The truth is I discovered today about myself went to try to get into that program at waldon house to be denied, the other program I must remain here and become a residant for a month, ran into the SFPD officer who didnt want to enforce the assult I had at the womens shelter, and other factors I am hanging in there and being a good girl.

I have to go back to the TG clnic soon, and had labs and other things taken, rested, and worn out the weekend is upcomeing more and more and my body is falling apart, the shelter the womens bathroom is under renovation and we cant take any showers for about a week, and Im tired and worn out with my cold, and body ache and being alone, have to go and run and get some clothes soon, and get a cali id and drivers lic soon, and get a gender marker change also soon as well more officaly, the transgender law center helped me with some of the paperwork might go to the center for special problems later this week, Im tried and havent had much rest, the bitter cold is hurting me. But I am playing by the rules

01/15/08

Talked to a friend or two recently, Made a new friend whom is a Transgender male in aa called jack is reallty fun, ran into someone else I knew from hollywood, even jack has heard of merlian from Houston that hangs out in hollywood.

The cold is bitter here, talked to sonny and MM today, called the folks a bit back home. Spoke to the folks at the treatment place they said it could be PTSD, as was suspected, doing more talked to someone with social security a bit today, took care of business might go get some soup later, made a few new good postive friends

Also met a new friend last night whom is MTF that I admire hope I see more of her, there is a mutuial attraction Or so I think blah took care of more went to the tg clinic this week, took blood, urine, labs etc.

Life is good and ok sort of

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

01/09/08

Went to the county hospital last night was very very sick, and had the flu from the change in weather.

Talked to a legal team today, and made an appointment for a marker and document change, took care of the traffic tickets, went to a soup kitchen and had some sour dough bread.

Went to a aa, meeting and slept more, had a severe cold and mengentius case, lost my belt and comb, on the plane was sick last night, and spent the night in san fransico county hospital, and stayed with brandi they held me for observation for 8 hours and gave me some medication and my severe flu, and cold, and took some chest x-rays for the pain, and dizyness,

Going to a meeting tonight, met some other trangender folks and support groups, have a shelter lined up tonight, and other affairs, talked to a place for disibillity and other issues, trying to get into a detox, and shelter program that can help me with my transition, and applied for a case manager, and disibility, and also went to therpey today, with my new therpist this morning, went to Library today downtown.

Have a wonderful therpest and have a good life, and sourdough is yummy.

Monday, January 7, 2008

01/07/08

Just got settled make contact with the doctor and other resouces, and new friends and aquaintances. SFO is much more inclusive than HOU and very accepting and friendly and good to transgenders, and treats as as equils not 2^nd class folks.

We actuly are concidered women, here, not mad at carter, and have much more protections life is rough but Im hanging in there going to my first meeting, got sick last night from the cold at my friends apartment in SOMA., staying the fuck away from the bars, clubs and bad folks.

Im not mad at chris, lamba, or anyone else I burned bridges, got sober and started over, Its rough I even have a shelter planed out, and going to do a marker change in cali, soon. People here are fucking awsome, and I have no hard feelings to houston, christan or the GLBT or Transgender community, I even have a possible job interview lined up at a coffee shop, agter I get signed up for another program got a lot done today, and overloaded and have a mild flu from sleeping with the window open in sfo here.

Kudos to all, who cared and one day Ill come back to visit make ammends, and become a meber or the Houston LAMBA center, and have a meeting to go to tonight kudios.

Oh PS when the plane touched down in oakland the tire blew out, and we had a minor emergency landing but we are ok, and the turblance over las vegas was very bad

Saturday, January 5, 2008

01/05/08

Ok day today, did some reading and step work with my new, sponsor, folks care. I push them away sort of, I still care, and want others to care, I must break the cycle. Thats all I have going to a meeting,

Friday, January 4, 2008

The discovery of my own renewed, spirituality, self-discovery and outlook, love, and desire of life, more Fog lifted fast approaching my 6^th month into sobriety and the chapter of the road, ahead, more enlightenment, and self-discovery of my inner child, true-self.

I slept a bit, ran into some old poor, choices and chapter to myself, I had more remembrance, and enlightenment with myself, my social life, insanity, further admitting defeat, working my program and not as much have ass, praying, meetings, faith and more more more.

Went out last night, going to stop going out as much and self parenting more and taking better care of my inner self. I also learned my inner child needs more parenting, structure, and discipline

Got a new sponsor today, whom is also transgender and met me before I fucked myself, and my life up and someone I admire whom works in IT and has a dream job

01/04/08

The growth of myself, life and the unknown and future. I learned more and more about what I must do, I have a task and conference to attend upcoming, some other issues, and will remain in space city rather than to run so far away.

Taking care of business I go further into enlightenment, and respect boundaries and keep doing change and my self assessment.

01/04/08

The reality of my self discovery and chapter to my own gnostic views, and skepticism of Christianity, right wing nut jobs, my family, my self, life and fear of the unknown. Have some issue to iron out today, later and going downtown to take care of some business for my future, myself and to seek a new career and job.

I have some points in my own life, I spent my whole life parenting to be someone I wasn't, when I had the support behind me I fucked it up in typical lee fashion, and I want what I once had in myself, and I was dumb, wrong and preferred abusive relationships, friendship either as the victim or the abuser.

I now suffer to play by the utter powers at be, and right wing nut job driven society and and know that taking care of some clerical matters in the county tax office, and the county admin building today, and being selfish to pretend to be someone I am not is being selfish as is transition into my true inner self.

I also am selfish to archive my goals, and true desires and inner self. I am going down to also take care of some finical matters, and the rear glimpse of the old me in the right wing driven nut job America and society and life.

Myself, lee has become a lot better as becoming lee selfish and into the inner bitch, selfishness and common practice of being a dominatrix in conservations, relationships and as well as abusing others with my narcissism, pity, complaining manically and bitching and discovering more and more.

I ate good, slept good awoke very early off the bed very early tonight, and much to archive in my goals, desires and plans today. I also have a few banking,finical matters and other issues to deal with in my own twisted and destructive ways

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

I am glad I had an en lighting temperance and more flash backs today for my program. I am not going to run away, my hurt and confused heart mind and body as taught me to stay here and deal with the inner bitch, pain and suffering and darkness and despair, and the PIGs who gave me a fucki ng ticket today. The Pain lives on as do I in my new year. New me and work my program in overtime and overdrive minus the lead foot.

I need to open up, more do more, and work more for me, my future and inner child, love and talk more brought a book on co-depancey and read the 168 pages and the other books and work my fucking steps dammit.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

I discovered myself zen, faith and enlightenment. I found the tools to take care of the task at hand, I found more and more, and hurt less and less. I wonder what the choice I am about to make is the correct one, I am scared shitless, but somehow in the subconscious mind know I am making the correct one.

I wonder if I should stay or go now? If I stay will there be hope, or double trouble. I wonder if you should let me know whither I should stay or go. I feel confused, overwhelmed, lost at sea, and adrift but my mind and light at the end of the tunnel scares me. I again have the choice of walking into the room or walking away from the room.

Open door number 1 or close door number 12. I wonder and have the shit scared out of me, I am afraid very afraid the scared emotions, feelings, remembering of how wrong a crazy terroristic bitch I became, and drunk more, more, more in the midnight hour. It makes me wonder, if it makes me happy why the hell am I so sad?

Maybe because reality bites, maybe life sucks, this x mass merry chrism ass- happy go lucky bullshit, the lies , the minulipaition, the honesty, the dishonesty, the screwdriver, the draft beer, fine wine, and truth to it all and enlightenment, and faith in a higher power and life of it all, the fear of the unknown. The fear of life and the fear of life after death.

I'm afraid to ask, I am afraid to be mind-fucked again, I am afraid of overload, I am afraid of burnout. I don't know whats real and what Is not. I pull the trigger to make it and me happy, and find faith again. I also want a life, again, meaning, love, and happiness, and not this emotional, sadness, meanness and death inside, on how fucking wrong I was

I load, the anger, fear, resentment, sadness, depression, loneliness, hunger, sorrow, pain, suffering, forgives, faith, loneliness, death, despair, and pride into a bundle, cock back the hammer of the remembrance and prepare to lie down and die, for the crime and passion of it all. I now go blindly falling down below, the faith, anger, and resentment on a hair trigger lieing down below my blood splattered on the wall, down and down below she falls. Death, darkness and despair I lie down to die for who I am, a message of what once was and now is gone, she lies down dead as a fawn, a pawn in the game of life, lee lies down to die tonight.

In faith she awakens, rising above all she struggles on in pride, death, darkness and despair on the ride, self-termination lies down on the ground, the smoking gun still in her hand, found dead of a self-inflicted fall and leap of faith instead the taste of a meeting seems in order, death as opposed to further panic, chaos, and disorder, I cry now at night, to die with my friends in sight, not because of faith or passion but pride to ask for it in a reasonable fashion.

But opnimsi and meeting kicks in, now knocking on faith, I pass up the gin, beer, wine, and screwdriver and vokkia. I lie again in faith but honesty I stride my actions upcoming strutting in pride.

I also have asked my higher power goddess of my understanding to remove, my shortcomings, fears, and insecureness and have that little warm fuzzy fealing inside in my own insanity and fuzzy warm way, in some form fashion of faith in life, love and myself. Fear of the unknown , faceting my fears and becoming alive scares the shit out of me, I have drooped into the shadows of sorts but only for the right or the wrong reasons, only time will tell or answer that?

01/02/08

I recently discovered myself, and that I prefer abusive relationships, and friendships to be abused, or to be the abuser. I am sick on my own twisted way, insane thinking and acting. I also know more and more the reality of life, myself and love and living but existing in myself, faith and life and love.

I also know more and more myself and what I am and where I want to go today, tomorrow and into there future. I hurt knowing that I must do what I must not do, I also know what I need to do and need not to do, for myself, life and the future.

I packed out my apartment, it was burr cold as of late due to the freeze. Last night in space city. I dreamed of miles of adventure and hardship and zen and enlightenment. Everything you know is crap, I have a Doctors appointment later this week to see SU and MM and pack out headed on the open highway to my new home, and adventure and to stay put and build a new life, for myself.

I have some letters to compose to send upon my arrival and some for the trip as well as post cards and other affairs to handle for myself, life, and I also know more and more about myself. I also know more and more its not just me even though the world should be just about me.

I had a spiritual precancel last night where I had someone I care about lash at me, hurt me and threaten me with a firearm, and death threats. I don't want to bother with such things due to I am also guilty of not being so pleasant, and made me understand I prefer abusive interrelationships, friendships and at times am a vampire in interrelationships sucking the life out of them, and I am the abuser at times.

Its not all me me me, give a little love in your heart, I have much to do in the upcoming next 8 days it is tick and tock to the future, I have some photos of things from a time better spent and life in the future.

I also trucked out and out more and more, I took a shower, and called a friend last night, got up but it was to cold so I went back to bed, some of the idiots in Texas have killed themselves with drinking and stupidity one of the nominations for a Darwin award is the idiot who while drinking and with a bonfire everyone went to bend only to awake at noon to find, the drunk had burned themselves alive in a drinking sleep by a bonfire to watch it had become burned for the new year. For my international and out of state or southern readers lacking. I shall inform you a bonfire is traditional amongst the souther usa when its cold, to guide st nick, provide a cheap warmth and on new years.

I'm going to start running again, and fasting and praying to the goddess of my understanding and for a few friends, have a few tasks to finish before my upcoming appearance in the city of Houston Municipal Court. And a few other things to do before the date of the big move and road trip, some letters, resources and meeting and intergroup locations I have much to finish and to archive for the task at hand into life and the future have some heavy cleaning to do,and packing and documentation to bring a few more things to grab out of my mini storage room out on the far west of Harris county almost into Fort bend county and a few things to take care of at a friend in Montgomery County.

A letter to a friend to send in San Marcos, and a few letters to compose to various people, institution, and individuals I have wronged in Houston, Harris County and the DFW Metropolis, and other things to compose later and latter days and compose more, more.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

01/01/08

I feel dead in side, as the clock countdowns tick and tock, the trip and leap of faith draws near. And fear of the unknown is very real, I lie down and pray to god, to a higher power some goddess above that I am safe on the journey down below going far into the unknown and faith and love, and peace and joy, I pray for a safe trip going down below, faith and a higher power now grows

I packed some clothes and luggage today, did laundry yesterday. Cleaned house and was semi domestic more recently I grow more and more in faith god, and a higher power. Knowing the choice I make is the right one. I am afraid spoke to MM yester whom I will miss growing and into faith of the abyss.

I also went to the mini storage more recently to pack and sort through things 12 more days to the interview and faith, and I have 9 days till municipal court, and lee than 10 till I fire up my pickup truck, and don't look back and hit the open road of the lone star state and beyond, the Pacific coast highway looming in my rear view mirror. I drive and roll along with pride. Dinner plans in AZ and faith ahead.

I have a few more affairs to take care of and that is that, faith in the white hat.

Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens Blog - WWW.LEEMCG.COM

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Life in the sunshine state to the Lone star State finding Zen enlightment and my trueself

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Life and finding the lost strange little girl moving closer to the Bay

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Life and the prusuit of hapyness and zen in (SFO)

Monday, January 28, 2008

Life IN the bay of happyness

Sunday, January 27, 2008

life in the bay area (SFO)

Saturday, January 26, 2008

life in san fransico and the road ahead

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Monday, January 7, 2008

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Friday, January 4, 2008

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

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