Wednesday, January 2, 2008

I discovered myself zen, faith and enlightenment. I found the tools to take care of the task at hand, I found more and more, and hurt less and less. I wonder what the choice I am about to make is the correct one, I am scared shitless, but somehow in the subconscious mind know I am making the correct one.

I wonder if I should stay or go now? If I stay will there be hope, or double trouble. I wonder if you should let me know whither I should stay or go. I feel confused, overwhelmed, lost at sea, and adrift but my mind and light at the end of the tunnel scares me. I again have the choice of walking into the room or walking away from the room.

Open door number 1 or close door number 12. I wonder and have the shit scared out of me, I am afraid very afraid the scared emotions, feelings, remembering of how wrong a crazy terroristic bitch I became, and drunk more, more, more in the midnight hour. It makes me wonder, if it makes me happy why the hell am I so sad?

Maybe because reality bites, maybe life sucks, this x mass merry chrism ass- happy go lucky bullshit, the lies , the minulipaition, the honesty, the dishonesty, the screwdriver, the draft beer, fine wine, and truth to it all and enlightenment, and faith in a higher power and life of it all, the fear of the unknown. The fear of life and the fear of life after death.

I'm afraid to ask, I am afraid to be mind-fucked again, I am afraid of overload, I am afraid of burnout. I don't know whats real and what Is not. I pull the trigger to make it and me happy, and find faith again. I also want a life, again, meaning, love, and happiness, and not this emotional, sadness, meanness and death inside, on how fucking wrong I was

I load, the anger, fear, resentment, sadness, depression, loneliness, hunger, sorrow, pain, suffering, forgives, faith, loneliness, death, despair, and pride into a bundle, cock back the hammer of the remembrance and prepare to lie down and die, for the crime and passion of it all. I now go blindly falling down below, the faith, anger, and resentment on a hair trigger lieing down below my blood splattered on the wall, down and down below she falls. Death, darkness and despair I lie down to die for who I am, a message of what once was and now is gone, she lies down dead as a fawn, a pawn in the game of life, lee lies down to die tonight.

In faith she awakens, rising above all she struggles on in pride, death, darkness and despair on the ride, self-termination lies down on the ground, the smoking gun still in her hand, found dead of a self-inflicted fall and leap of faith instead the taste of a meeting seems in order, death as opposed to further panic, chaos, and disorder, I cry now at night, to die with my friends in sight, not because of faith or passion but pride to ask for it in a reasonable fashion.

But opnimsi and meeting kicks in, now knocking on faith, I pass up the gin, beer, wine, and screwdriver and vokkia. I lie again in faith but honesty I stride my actions upcoming strutting in pride.

.

I also have asked my higher power goddess of my understanding to remove, my shortcomings, fears, and insecureness and have that little warm fuzzy fealing inside in my own insanity and fuzzy warm way, in some form fashion of faith in life, love and myself. Fear of the unknown , faceting my fears and becoming alive scares the shit out of me, I have drooped into the shadows of sorts but only for the right or the wrong reasons, only time will tell or answer that?

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)