01/23/08

to whom it may concern:

I am sorry for what I did to myself, and blamed you when the problem was in myself, in order and approaching and the utter lack or resources, I had to raise the bottom and chose uncertainty, being humble, and honest with myself,

I am not angry at you (Christan) and left town very swiftly, discreetly, and utterly quick, for the reason of continuing with my aa-program, and working toward transition it talks about raseing the bottom in the 1^st step, and I did such in my program for my recovery and enlightenment and discovery. I left town in utter abandonment, discovery, power and faith.

I am grateful for your attempts (Christan, lily, and many others) who treyd to assist and my own trans-phobia, self hate, inscrutably, and fear of my true self that I left raseing the bottom for faith and hope of a better life, things are slow, but I am sober, growing up and working toward a better life.

I understand my banishment was for the greater good of the TG community, and glbt community as a whole, I tried to seek help and was denied on a few occasions, and came here to start my life over in a more positive and affirming place in the wonderful and over priced city of san Fransisco, I chose to walk away be homeless, struggle but make it, where else better to be homeless and tg than SFO.

I did this to me, and no one else, being homeless, and recently legitimately starting HRT and being more honest and open things and doors, are starting to open for me, I know you were just pushing me to accept myself, But I was hurt, one of the doctors here diagnosed me with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Jumping for a while shelter to shelter, I picked up a cold shortly after arriving on Jan, 6 2008 I made a trip to the san Fransisco county hospital ER on jan 9^th with a temp of 103 degrees, I also have had a bad cold, surprisingly. A week later I latched on to a trans gender co-Dependant whom I met at my home group of queers crack pots and fallen women at the Alano club and the 630 am meetings there as well.

I remained sober, the amount of drinking, and very easy access to drugs and all sorts of things out here amazes me. I got a sponsor that she is wonderful and we are doing step work. I also got back to a more routine after flopping around to the darker side even though I am housed with women, I with the change in sleeping and other issues, blacked out and went through the PTSD flashbacks, of rape, abuse and other things horrid in Houston.

I also remembered during my bad days, I came out to SFO when I was hanging around after hours nightclubs, and working for hire for organized criminal enterprises. I also remember other points, and painful things.

I came out here to get better get my life together, I have applied for divisibility given my doctor here doesn't think I should work for a while, I have slowly started with my hormone thereby, and the doctor told me largely, that I am in suburb health I gained some weight with my binge eating in Houston and other factors during the holiday season. I also have very good health, am std free and with all the abuse done to my body over 2 years I have a lot to live for.

I am grateful that folks Like Christan Williams, Lilly Reilly, and also John Koppman and others HACS, and elected officials are trying to make things as good and progressive as out here. In one of my trans gender groups (many) I found out about a possible once I get on disibiallity housing option in Oakland, close to a bart station in a nice area, not far from my aunt, and parking that I could affroid and maybe get another tg roommate the property is owned by a older sr trans gender real estate agent and developer.

Its rough cold, and I have other things going on, and my cold and health is improving I am grateful for everything you tried to do to help me, and I'm sorry that I clashed at you. And want you to know you don't have to be afraid and long term part of my step work involves me making ammneds, and since I got sober at lambda, got fucked up drunk in Houston. And cant handle drinking anymore.

I have made arrangements to have my truck stored and moved from Texas where it is now to Louisiana briefly and I am going to pick it up when I get more settled, but I am reaminging sober, focused and maybe you can meet the new and improving me.

I also have got some of my paper work for my transition at the trans gender law center, and stayed with my co-Dependant near ocean beach, and saw some horrid shelters, with lots of anonymous lesbian sex, and drinking and drugs. I also have been humbled and sorry for wastering and abusing your time, I also want to be honest with the factor I have ammeneds to make as a whole to members of the GLBT community for some property crime, and criminal misgiff I committed to various members of the Houston area glbt community and even at one tome some skinhead, raciest, sexist things as well.

I remembered a lot of the pain I caused others and had to walk away to bottom out to get the help I need, I love you in the spirit of my heart. I am grateful the community and your site, and I don't mean to be scared, one of my shelter experances involved ads living dressing and acting the part involved being hit punched and kicked and having a knife pulled on me by a group of males. And law enforcement not wanting to do anything but run my name.

I have seen the vigilance on the streets, homeless, those using drinking, and fucking and whoring. Being young pretty though insecure I get propositioned on occasion. And decline, my doctor has started vacanteding me against hep a + b for the reason of prevention even if a cut or fall.

One time while meeting with my up in the area almost up the hill I was at a burger king and some nutty homeless lady came into the yuppie burger king jumped over the counter kicked the cash register and grabed food and also garbed the cash drawer high on illegal drugs she than ate, and everyone in the diner with here got down on her floor to comply with her demands, I was the only one who did not comply as she ate the food and the SFPD arrived and was calm and family's and folks were shaking and scared off.

I am calm, staying out of trouble minuse my knife attack which I let go I wasn't hurt I lost some luggle and had a bag damaged thats gratitude.

I'm going to make it I did existence reas

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)