Freedom from bnondage, of self and progress not prefection

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Slept ok, last night. Went to The Emergency room, at San Francisco General Hospital last night due to more dizziness, cramps, and fatigue. Its odd. It might be also transition related, I have had the hiccuips also as well. I feel better this morning, I also feel some of the issues may be my body adjusting to changes.

I left the emergency room, in disgust. My blood pressure and salt levels feel a bit up to normal.

The also further more, my back started hurting, and I have had another health issue, a early bedtime, water, and rest today is on my own personal adgenda. I lost it, I need to stop pretending to friends, people in the program that life is ok, and manageable. I also should reach out to new-comers more, do my step work, and call sober people.

I think the reason, which is part of the problem I think to much, is I don’t want to let go, and get of the crazy bus. The MSPD is helping somewhat. I started running a bit, and went hiking part of yesterday. That’s one of the great things about San Francisco is the exercise opportunities.

E-mail drama
I also thought while browsing craigslist I found an interesting post with some search criteria, to someone I used to be friends with and close to, but lied to me, and also she sent me a reply
You are totally psycho, dude! And by the way, at least I'm not cowering and hiding myself away from the whole world, not dating, just because I've been hurt in my past relationships! At least I don't live ruled by my bitterness and residual pain. Whatever, asshole...leave me alone. I wish nothing to do with your kind!!




Here is my reply

At least be woman enough to use non-fake photos. I will be happy to leave you alone, personally I find Trans genders, and the GLBTQ community as a whole Disgusting with the exception of transgender men, queer women, and dykes, goths, punks, emo, and I just reinvented myself. and find 90% of transgender women I dislike and most dislike me. At least I don't scream at people, when our rights are infringed on, not every battle is worth fighting.

I would rather be alone and bitter my whole life than to be in a relationship that doesn't meet my utterly high standards. Pain is my pleasure, I let go of my pain, but you lied, and lie to people, those photos are not you. You should be woman enough to admit it.at least I don't sit in a closet all day, I am financially UN-co dependant, and take care of my own affairs, at least I am vegan, veg. at least I don't allow people like you to drain me as a vampire, we are so much alike its unreal, and we drive each other crazy, you just cant see it.


and Just for not dating, I have love interests in the East Bay. at least I'm not so chickenshit about Oakland, or Berkeley. At least I desire a good life, I am aware of my defects of ch rater, and I am working on them, at least I am.

"whatever, asshole...leave me alone. I wish nothing to do with your kind!!" at least I am sure in my sexual orientation and what I want out of life, I’d rather be strange and a asshole, and bitch, which I am very good at being, than to be co-dependant living in a closet in the hood'

The reason I reply ed, was due to my disgust and proof of you lying using other peoples photos. Have a good life, I wish nothing to do to you either, leave me alone as well. I have a life out site being TG and know what I am, and don't base my life in GLBQ issues, Mostly LQT issues. I also have a life in AA, and also in my church, and a few hobbits and trade groups. at least I am starting my life over and don't sleep till 10 or 11 everyday. and stat up till 3 playing play station games, and I know who I am.



Gratitude List
1.) Grateful of the weather ( I like the cold)
2.) Grateful for having a wonderful therapist and doctor
3.) Grateful I know who I am and what I want
4.) Grateful for knowing that I need to work my steps, call people, and work on gratitude
5.) Grateful for knowing I don’t need to bitch everyone out my life




This week I have an appointment at the doctor up near Piedmont, I also have a few other things to do this week, mail, documents, DMV and other issues. I also have to compose a few other documents. I am going to run a few other things given the sentsive nature of affairs and other matters.


I talked to DLG/PMG they left New Orleans for Abita Springs, and did not go to AL, for pats sake. I also e-mailed MLS . BP and MS are well in Houston watching the storm.








--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Friday, August 29, 2008

Slept really good, had a massage yesterday helped my back and neck, have laundry to do today. I also might be flying into New Orleans International from Oakland international to take care of some affairs and also staying in Houston, Texas.

I have some things to take care of some affairs here, as well. Clean some dirty chapters, I also have big, big plans for myself, and my future. I lost something, major. I need to get something back in myself. Something is missing. And I also myself may become missing. I feel as if I have no meaning, I have no purpose.

I lost and hurt someone whom cared, about me. I also have trouble, given I feel I have less and less to share with. I called the SFPD Inspector Aaron Pera, about the theft I witnessed, and also might have to go testify for the diner dash / assault/ theft.

Hate and anger is what I breed, and the fire of what I burned for so long. I let it go to some god of my own understanding. I lost something within myself, perhaps I feel exceield, within my own self and sprit. I honestly miss Houston drastically so, I even which I could live there, I would go home to where I came out.

But I feel I have no community, no support, I didn’t really fit in with California, I don’t really feel folks understand me, and also the folks who try, I don’t like do to my utterly high standards. I miss the southern hospitality of sorts.
I really wish I could share my big plans, and ideals, but others would not be so understanding. I don’t have any plans any longer of going after my resentments, my plans are mostly political, and problem will result in not very good concqucnes just for myself.



The list
1.) Laundry
2.) Homework / work
3.) Check Mail
4.) DMV & DPS mail documents /print visit dmv
5.) Rest / meeting


Gratitude
1.) Grateful for the weather cool again!
2.) Grateful for AA, and having a good foundation on sobriety and reality
3.) Grateful for being committed to starting over in life
4.) Grateful for being able to grow spiritually
5.) Grateful for being true to myself.


I have an resentment more recently building within my spirit. The building
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Friday, August 29, 2008

Slept really good, had a massage yesterday helped my back and neck, have laundry to do today. I also might be flying into New Orleans International from Oakland international to take care of some affairs and also staying in Houston, Texas.

I have some things to take care of some affairs here, as well. Clean some dirty chapters, I also have big, big plans for myself, and my future. I lost something, major. I need to get something back in myself. Something is missing. And I also myself may become missing. I feel as if I have no meaning, I have no purpose.

I lost and hurt someone whom cared, about me. I also have trouble, given I feel I have less and less to share with. I called the SFPD Inspector Aaron Pera, about the theft I witnessed, and also might have to go testify for the diner dash / assault/ theft.

Hate and anger is what I breed, and the fire of what I burned for so long. I let it go to some god of my own understanding. I lost something within myself, perhaps I feel exceield, within my own self and sprit. I honestly miss Houston drastically so, I even which I could live there, I would go home to where I came out.

But I feel I have no community, no support, I didn’t really fit in with California, I don’t really feel folks understand me, and also the folks who try, I don’t like do to my utterly high standards. I miss the southern hospitality of sorts.
I really wish I could share my big plans, and ideals, but others would not be so understanding. I don’t have any plans any longer of going after my resentments, my plans are mostly political, and problem will result in not very good concqucnes just for myself.



The list
1.) Laundry
2.) Homework / work
3.) Check Mail
4.) DMV & DPS mail documents /print visit dmv
5.) Rest / meeting


Gratitude
1.) Grateful for the weather cool again!
2.) Grateful for AA, and having a good foundation on sobriety and reality
3.) Grateful for being committed to starting over in life
4.) Grateful for being able to grow spiritually
5.) Grateful for being true to myself.


I have an resentment more recently building within my spirit. The building
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Yesterday was insane, witnessed a theft and robbery had to call the police for a shopkeeper in the morning, had some guy be a jerk that was toasted drunk was propsiting me for sex. Which I delcined

another crackhead called me a “fucking queer faggy lesbian dyke” which amused me because he lashed out ebcuase I would not give him my edition of the San Franciso Chronicle , I suppose it’s the “Look” I present and what I go for.
\
I had a doctors appointment with a shink yesterday, he felt I was ok, but per my docot woorying about mY HRT and stree, I tried something. Furthermore, than I zoked out while waiting for the doctor some drunk lady called me a cocksucking faggot, who she would fuck up who needs to grow some balls.

Another person asked me holy shit you are a girl, another persn asked me drunkly are you a girl or a guy, I country girl will surive in the big city. 

Furthermore, than I rested, hung out a bit with some sober aqwuainces called folks. Went to a meeting.
Than last night something failed and I was inconvinaced. Furthermore, I also had the experance of being again around two shootings, so in addition I had a lot of contact with SFPD yesterday
SFPD which they were busting ass trying to find the shooter. Shakeing down gang bangers, suspcial people lottering, looking for drugs and information.

Talked to a friend in the program about how a lot of people in San Francisco sit around all day, and we need to give them a boat 500 miles out with two oars and give them motivation for live and surivail. Its how I got sober, the city and county of san Francisco needs to reform public policy as does the state of califonia.

I’ve never in my life seen so many individuals whom want people to feel sorry for them. People need discipline, mayor Gavin Nusume has some of the right principals just applies it improperly, SFPD the DA and DHH and health department need to focus on individuals whom are trouble makers.

Needle exchange and harm reduction is tax paper subsided drug use and abuse and very wasteful. Needles are a major public health and safety hazard for children, citizens, Law enforcing, officers, peace officers, Fire and EMT workers.

Its ridiculous helping people whom don’t want any self-accoutbblaity and pride and to help themselves, some of the so called sobriety is weak because the health, public and city and county of san Francisco wastes taxpayer money on subsdiacxiend individuals whom need to be incarasrded, instuitinalised, or other issues.

We also at taxpayer expense harbor fugitives from justice, individuals whom are from the suburbs and out of state come here to deal drugs, sell guns, and also commit crimes, and even extortion on san Francisco most unfortitonate.

Gratitude List
1.) Grateful of being able to handed emergencies and fear positively.
2.) Grateful of being in control and responcabilie as a sober adult.
3.) grateful of being honest with my doctor & therapist
4.) grateful of making progress of being able to move on from prior resentments toward a person whom genuinely tried to help me
5.) Grateful to be my true self.






--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Francisco most unfortitonate.

Gratitude List
1.) Grateful of being able to handed emergencies and fear positively.
2.) Grateful of being in control and responcabilie as a sober adult.
3.) grateful of being honest with my doctor & therapist
4.) grateful of making progress of being able to move on from prior resentments toward a person whom genuinely tried to help me
5.) Grateful to be my true self.
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

The reality of my life, this morning had some excitement in a diner, some speed freak went nuts and crazy, and tried to do a diner dash, and four employees had to restrain him Had to call the police for the employees, was a bit shaken up might have to go to court to testify as a witness.

I also am somewhat good, with my life

Gratitude list
1.) Grateful that was not me tearing up the diner
2.) Grateful that I was able to face my fears
3.) Grateful that I am sober today and as of 7-13-2007 continuous sobriety
4.) Grateful that I have the tools to cope with my program
5.) Grateful for having folks who care about me and see the good in myself



Slept good and ate well this morning the doctor took some suggestions for myself and continue to grow and prosper. And hurricane Gustav worries me dearly given my pickup trucks proximity, I have my forms and will take my California driving test and forms very soon, the thought of loosening my 4x4 scares me.

But maybe everything happens for a reason, the worry about having to travel to Louisiana and go back though Houston to San Francisco in my 4x4 does worry me a lot, the fear and fear of the unknown, but I will leave the powers of that to my own personal Jesus Christ.

Slept very well, awoke this morning g had a lady be nasty to me a patient at the doctor’s office.

Not much more to compose lately my life has been a bit burning, have a few positional casual coffee dates this weekend, step work, and the possibly of having to travel to New Orleans at very short notice.

Have the prey later this week, have a few other things to do, also have an appointment with Clair fairly next week.
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Monday, August 25, 2008.

I thought I would clarity more on myself, what I did this morning was very noble, and a very good deed, which I don’t need to brag about, some people were shocked. I also do not want nor expect anything in return, it will cause me some manageable hardship, but no good deed goes un-noticed or punished maybe my higher power and personal Jesus will discover that.

Furthermore, I understand why I have such anger directed at my resentment CW in Houston, I resent her so much, because she is so happy, she doesn’t have to buy her happiness, she is kind, loving, and nice to others, she was nice or tried to be to me, when I was very nasty and did everything I could to try and piss her off.

Misery loves company, I’m afraid, she (CW) has something I want, something I fear I’ll never achieve. I wish I could face my fear, I left Houston because of the guilt, shame, and not wanting to admit defeat and be powerless, and possibly having to face her again. I relapsed around pride 2007 in Houston; I made it through pride sober, and got drunk after pride on Monday, that just fucking sucks I was only out for a night or two... Not because of her, but because of fear.

The answer to my problems, is not booze, wine, or vodka, jello shots, or screwdrivers, or an occasional shot of whisky, or draft beer, its understanding whom I am, what I do wrong, and what I learn and grow. Failure is not an option for me, I like power, control and to be overly dominating in my personal, work and aspects of my life.

That’s a blessing and a curse, I need more fun, and charitable time, I need my optimism, groove, and smiles. I need miles of road on a motorcycle, truck, or just at peace at home, I need more of whom I am.
In further enlighten I also discover my charity, kind, and individuals on the west coast are not as hospitable as us southern, and Texans. It’s odd and obscure tolerant, and liberal but bitchy. I just want to find myself, I want to be myself, I also know what I want and am working toward it. I miss the lone star state, but alas I ruined my chances there so to speak on various bar stools.
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Monday, August 25, 2008

Slept good last night, the reality is, I continue to grow and prosper, for myself. Did a good deed this morning, and also my revised social security card, came in so soon, the California DMV awaits me with the new document and DL-328.

I have a busy day, and with my good deed being of service, have even more work, but did it because I am a kind good loving person with gratitude and helping others allows me to be of service. Have to run to the dmv, sent e-mails.

Have a busy evening and somewhat alas, stressful. I also want and enjoy helping others. I am kind caring, I also learned something about my selfish self about service, I am very selfish, rude and controlling at times, with my reaction to my joy and Scarface, but it is good to do something kind for someone else and not expect or want anything in return.
I am having some of my letters published that I also sent to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and for prop 8. In addition, for the viewpoints of current, former, and members of the LDS & Mormon Church.
I am out proud and I know many that are symptichic to our cause but remain silent, and some closeted individuals some whom are married with children, whom have gay lovers, or lesbian lovers on the side. I also know some lost hopeless causes in various YSA wards, as well.

I also took care of some finance, and civil affairs, did another flyer for a group, and also a promotional for profit event did some work. I sent a few letters of to Houston, New Orleans, Baton Rouge, Austin, Dallas for some affairs to take care of in my past.

Doing laundry today. Moreover, exchanging an item to the store for a different one. Picking up piscriptions at the local drug store, I also have some homework to do for a few pet projects, for work, school, and personal and clients.

Gratitude list.
1.) I am grateful for having the foresight of my defects of my personality.
2.) I am grateful for having the understanding of my body’s needs
3.) I am grateful for having the understanding of my spirituality
4.) I am grateful to have the ability to be of service & be kind to others with random acts of giving
5.) I am grateful to be able to remain focused and on track



The list to-do
1.) Make arrangements for matters I gave out of gratitude
2.) Make arrangements to take care of business
3.) Do Laundry
4.) Pick up meds / exchange item
5.) Program / meeting
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Sunday, August 24, 2008


Slept ok last night had a pissed off morning, I also had other affairs to take care of, I rested well. I went to the noon meeting at18th and Castro streets in the bank of America building today. te ok, Took care of a few other matters.

Was in the Alano Club and saw an individual smash a window on a nice dark blue Audi wagon. With his jacket and run off with a backpack to whom I was pleading not to yell at them, to call the police, about B&E in progress and give a good description.

I also was a bit angry and spoke about how if I was behind the coffee bar working I would probably close the café call the police and then go make a citizen’s arrest and if necessary use force to detain the subjects. Maybe I still am a bit of a wild one.

I shared a bit, did some more 4th step work. This weekend I need some time alone I have anger, fear and just confusion over christen coming here, I still find trouble finding myself. I do not feel like I even love myself, people have given up on me, perhaps I gave up on myself.

My defects of charter, which I am working hard on, struggle and hurt. I hurt and am so sick of hurting it’s not funny, I wrote a few polictal acvitsm letters for PROP 8 and the LDS Church.


Grattuide

1.) To have people that love me
2.) To be sober
3.) To have clean clothes, good appearance and health
4.) To be able to be honest
5.) TO be able to focus.
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Leigh “Lee” McInnis Gaetjens
PO Box 425081 San Francisco, CA 94142
(713) 578-0016 www,leemcg.com * leemcg@leemcg.com (415) 678-0859

Sunday, August 24, 2008
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints-
Bishop Or Branch President
San Francisco YSA Ward
1601 22nd ave San Francisco, CA 94142



Subject: prop 8 from a (prior) member whom was NOT ex-commutated

Dear Bishopric of San Francisco,

My (Prior) Name was McInnis Lee Gaetjens; I was born on January 18th 1981 to Kathryn McInnis Gay and Martin Clark Gaetjens, to good parents. My father in my youth started binge drinking and became an alcoholic. My parents split my mother went back to her hometown of New Orleans, LA. My father was originally from New York City. My Parents moved here in the late 1960s/ early 1970s.

I was a convert to the church in Harvey, LA at the west bank Its ward, under the bishopric and later branch president of John Friday whom served there for a years and later resigned due to being displaced by his job with hurricane Katrina.

I was semi-active in the New Orleans YSA ward, the the Brays Bayou YSA Yard in Houston, Texas. I feel away from the church in Louisiana long before Katrina. I do believe in the church, but my Transsexual /Gender Identity and sexual orientation, caused me much comfort, with relocating to Houston, Texas for my job after Katrina. For a while, I was with the Sam Houston YSA Ward, under Bishop Craig Petty.

I started binge drinking around Christmas 2005, and drank until 7-13-2007 off and on, struggling with my issues, I am writing this letter to this disgust and questionable legal status of the church as a 501©3 non-profit medaling in police rallying and activism.

I also can tell you from personal experience in cities I have vested many people don’t speak up, about the pain, I drank because I was afraid, I was abused at my job in Houston, I was abused in my apartment, I had my home violated, and was blackmailed and extorted due to the state of Texas, my drinking and self-distortive behavior. It is likely I will never recive justice for my hate crime and sexual assault by co-workers. I could not turn to the church for help, however I do know many closeted members even some married and on bishoprics, high councils, and other callings.

The point is the church teaches that we are supposed to be kind and loving, and respectful of individually, many of us commit suicide, adultery or drink or fall into other vices. I think the church should change just as it did with African Americans and the priesthood in 1978.

The church widespread discirmaties in a state, and sponsors dicirmation for voters and individuals freedoms and civil liberties . The local leadership and high counsel and headquarters in salt lake city should allow us equal privileges and rights


I would like to sit down and discuss this matter with you


I can be reached at

(415) 678-0859
Leigh McInnis Gaetjens is my current legal name
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
LEEMCG @ LEEMCG .COM
WWW. LEEMCG.COM(blog/photos/art/webpage)


For the most Part, I still do believe in the church but why should I worship where I am actively persecuted against, and I do follow the principles and teaching of the church, with the exception of some, which discriminate and are old and dated to GLBTQ members.

The reason I became sober at Lambda Center in Houston Texas was due to having a vision, similar to Joseph smith, I was in an auto accident, and was Tazered, beaten, and handcuffed and lost 3 hours of my life in cardaric arrest, heart attacks and blackouts in Jan 2007 ,

Furthermore, band as a direct result to my actions served sometime in The Harris County Jail Saw my (dead) mother, relative and also was told I was loved, and still feel my heavenly father, and know he loves me for the real “me”.

it angers me that I am unwelcome to worship in a church whom actively discriminates against Transsexual-women, and I left, I would love to rejoin, but why rejoin if I am unwelcome.

would love to come back, but I am unwelcome there obviously so for the moment and appears the forgeable future.
I would Like to discuss matters with you via telephone, email and face to face.




Your sister in Christ and Sobriety,


Leigh “LEE” McInnis Gaetjens
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Slept good last night awoke early, took MUNI out, and headed to a meeting a bit later. Have a bit more on my addenda this morning. Awoke early this morning, feel better rested than last night, maybe I was upset yesterday about the multisided of bad news, were confused on BART AND TOOK the wrong AC Transit and Merry Go Round, and MUNI and had to shuffle some appointments.

Maybe I try too hard, I have been told that many times. It’s a defect of mine, I struggle to find place is the GLBTQ community, I know whom I am, I also can be arrogant, miss goody too shoes, stuck up, bitch, and also very strive for indpdeiance, striating, freedom, liberty and justice for all.

Moreover I admit I don’t indentify other than common bond with most transgender communities or find, my whole Life I’ve been odd, either square, gay, gender queer, Mormon, My LDS mormon phase is coming to an end, ive moved on with my life, they are fine individuals and long term I would not mind living, working or visiting salt lake city as a tourist, but also have dreams of miles of pavement with a pickupruck camper and a motorcycle.

Maybe I’m an outlaw in the GLBTQ community as a whole, I am so Utley picky and too good for myself and others around me. Maybe I just want to be left alone in solitude given though I am an amazing person and true individual and in pedant who plays by her own rules.

Gratitude Real Life experience and confessionals
I saw a guy last night whom was so plastered drunk, whom also ironically strongly resembled not Michal Richards but Kenney Cramer whom the charter off Seinfeld was based. Near the corner of 8th and mission, he walked into a brick wall of the doorway of the PG&E substation than hit is his head, on a fire department standpipe than a light pole and parking meter, than staggerly jaywalked, and made his way home to a side street and hit his head on the gate. He was so drunk the cops would have arrested him for his safety. I hope he is ok, and given I had this Esperance one.

Gratitude List.
1.) Grateful to not have been the massively drunk guy I saw last night that walked into a brick wall
2.) Grateful of the wonderful San Francisco weather.
3.) Grateful for being able to work the steps and have sobriety
4.) Grateful of being able to calmly talk about things, and be honest.
5.) Grateful to be able to be able to have gratitude and optimism.


The List today
1.) Meeting step work, call people
2.) Drop off documents, check PMB & Po box
3.) Finish home work in Excel, word and Publisher
4.) Do something fun
5.) Be nice, and happy and have gratitude

Furthermore, I shall share a few confessionals I have.
1.) On a gender queer phase as a messenger , in the Houston Galleria Office tower shortly before informs senators get caught in rest-room sting operations, I had a similar unknown experience, in the galleria office tower complex but I rejected and didn’t even know about foot tapping
2.) On a drunken excursion to New Orleans, I got hit on, got wasted at the whirling dervish left with the band, and then they were a little upset
3.) On another drinking occasion I can contest that the river oaks right wing republicans and even some members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and the so called Mormons / LDS are the freakiest most sexuality repressed in Harris county, and big perverts in Houston.
4.) On Another occasion I had sex inside the post oak club with someone whom we would not normal mix who we relapsed with
5.) On another occasion I had sex inside the delta club with someone whom we would not normally mix, whom we relapsed with




Oh I Might call becca perry today as well.
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Friday, August 22, 2008

The reality of what I want and know whom I AM as an individual and my continueing to enlighten myself, more and learn more about who I am as an individual and grow, live long and prosper

Did grattuide list, slept well, did some step work, going to bed early burned out busy day in the east bay dinner and off to bed early.

Not much to say today, Caio.
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Thursday, August 21, 2008


I received a call today from someone in my east bay support group, They asked me not to come friday, the past few weeks I have been a bit overly emotional and some folks know with my honesty my past history in Houston. I am not going to repeat past transgressions.

They also didn’t ban, me the economy is bad right now, even in san Francisco. I miht have to make further scrafices, in my life, and even future. IT hurts dearly having to make difficult and hard choices.

I also talked to someone, and I might be able to come back, I haven’t crossed the line. And won’t but at least I’m fair, balanced and honest.

I draw the line at my past, I am ashamed of what I did, I am making living amends by leavening, I miss my therapist as well I miss Melanie Morrison a lot. I miss Texas BBQ, vegan food, ecclica, Taco trucks, stuck in traffic.

I feel more and more alone, I feel lost, I feel hurt. I also feel the culture shock of California and san Francisco. I also don’t like to admit it but I’m scared.

My father did recently disown me, I also know Christen My biggest resentment will be here, I also am distrustful as to why she really may be here, she might be her, to try to emanate me, or she might be for business with her non-profit, or she might offer me to come home>

I don’t know how I would react, I know how I would not react given if and when we meet, I am planning on keeping a lower profile in the next few weeks to months and possibly leavening town or the state for a while just to avoid christen.

I generally have distrust for GLBT and Transgender communities and individuals a s whole, I don’t distrust christen, but given our bad blood, past history and the fact last time I drank because I saw her and she extended her hand.

They (support group) are going to discuss it, I did not do anything wrong in genal Im peaceful and settled down from my wild west days.


The truth be told, I also think she might have alter motives for something here even if to offer me things. I don’t feel welcome here, I will have 14 months sober, I miss Texas a lot. Also fear she might double-cross me either with HPD or Phyllis or something else if she even bothers to attempt to locate me.

I don’t have the answers, the story of the 15 year transgender kid, saddens me parts of my youth and foster care bothers me. I miss my family; I feel less and less conncted and do not think I have a future in Harvey, Louisiana or even with my father here in the San Francisco Bay Area.

I don’t feel I connect much, I grow tired of despite ordinances, silent discretion from private establishments, public agencies. I also grow tied of looking the other way at hate. And understanding its not right fighting every battle.

I am glad she gore what she wanted, and I know she does care she is an amazing person. I also know she might feel a bit resentful of me, But I do not trust her. I did feel portrayed also felt HACS just let go of me. Maybe she is coming for vacation, maybe to reach out to me. I know I won’t return to Texas with-out legal assurances of refractions, I’d rather go to jail in caluiofnria where I have a better chance of be treated better and I would not be relapsed to an area near her.

It’s not the concqucnes I fear, it’s the polical and rights I want. I don’t even know what I want but I know I want stability, a life, and a fair and evil chance, I also know for my political views and given I am a bit of a radical in the GLBT community whether in New Orleans, Houston Dallas, Austin, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Berkeley, Oakland, New York City or Vancouver

I stand out, I am an individual not some textbook person, at least I have bite. At least I’m a smart individual who is not a stereotype.



I have more and other addenda as well. I have other issues I am working on and a few other factors. Had a good therapy see ion today, I also had few other things.
While its true being a busy body, being able to comp rend a few other launges broken, and also read lips, and good hearing, and street smarts. Moreover, being able to social engender be minulipive, aggrieve assertive and my photographic memory and good deduction skills.

I could in theory avoid christen, and others. And I will find out more about her trip I also was told someone else might be coming as well. I could keep low for awhile. Im smarter than she is. The same way Mathew Wilson evades discovery, I am highly inelegant individual.







--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Slept good last night, had a dream of freightliners, and also my weird sickness of people in lambda center drinking in a bar, it doesn’t scare me it’s just my sickness, of the beer in the oasis, because I’ve got friends in the program in low places. 

Furthermore awake early 12:00 PST = 2:am cost (closing time) I got up about 3am, showered and bathed, cracked my back, bones, and other factors for my physically fitness, have another meeting with Clair fairly, and also the meeting this morning was really good to any who missed it

The topics of
1.) Co-dependancy
2.) Relatshinhships
3.) Family
4.) Love
5.) Loss
6.) Insanity
7.) Spirituality
8.) Work and employment and school
9.) Living alone
10.) In addition, respecting yours and others boundaries.


Went to the morning meeting again at the alano club, at 7am, tomorrow I might go to my old stomping grounds on church street. See a old friend in the program.

Today’s Gratitude List

1.) Grateful of the weather, fog and low cloud elevation
2.) Grateful to have good resources available to me
3.) Grateful to have decent non-discrimination practices
4.) Grateful to be recovered, and free from my shortcomings and defects of charter
5.) Grateful to be able to express my feelings and desires.


I also further more composed documents which elevate more of whom I am as an individual and my interpersonal spirituality and what I want out of life.


Called 3 SOBER individuals today, did 15 minutes of grattuide and did my homework, have therpey today, amonsgty other issues. Going to my support meeting, talked to my grandmother as well.

Sent some messages out on a transgender support group I belong to on-line and offline. I also worked more on my intranet, and other apps, and future San Francisco Interactive on-line and offline outreach project I have in the works and some of my muni issues

Add a post here from the form with information removed to protect ananominity.

Great Thanks for the invite to the group.

I am sorry I upset some people, I also wanted to share, my feelings, lately Ive just needed a hug, its a new concept of mine to self-express my feelings. I didn't mean to make anyone uncomfortable, I also just have been lonely and scared, given the next step and what I am going through right now.

I just need some love and support and hugs, Its sometimes difficult for me to ask for help, or express myself verbally, or ask for help, beyond my toughness, is caring and loveliness, and wanting to help others, and sometimes be loved and hugged.






I had some suggestions to the group, most groups I have attended or enjoyed are transsexual support groups. have well more close membership requirements and are more heavily formally moderated like a 12-step meeting, maybe we should have a group business meeting to adjust the format or change it.

Some good groups I have attended prior are

Gulf Gender Alliance (New Orleans, LA)
Trans genders helping Trans genders Anonymous (Houston Texas)

I had my DL328 I am eagerly awaiting my new social security card. I also have an electro appointment I would strongly recommend this place, and as far as for those who can afford it I can recommend a good plastic surgeon in Houston as well who has been working on us for 25 Years


My name change and gender and name change with social security is official. I get to take my writ en California driving test very soon! I'm also working on getting a CDL and to join the fun of MUNI and get to fulfill my dreams of being a diesel dyke.


.

I also am working on a BBS system on my website powered by vbuillitan, which I might host at tgsfo.com another of my domains which I plan to turn into an outreach similar to Transhouston.com


http://www.avenue-electrolysis.com/ is where I have been going check it out in Oakland, I have an appointment tomorrow morning

The plastic surgeon and electrolysed I recommend www.yarshmd.com is dr yarsh http://www.yarishmd.com/
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Wednesday, August 20, 2008


Slept good woke up on time alas a bit late, had a successful doctor’s appointment, and browsed in on the support group. Forgot to mention about someone to the group, was successful in my paperwork end ours, am going to the DMV soon.

Sent e-mail to the folks, talked to my grandmother a bit yesterday. Spoke to RAP, attempted to Converse with CE might visit around the holidays CE and the family. Spoke to NAB, and ran into someone else from my Latter Day Saint Past as well.

Furthermore, I added more info to my site, edited code, cleaned up some unsay code as well. Experimented with a new package. I called my sponsor, wrote my 4th step, I also called 3 people, and my back hurts today.

I have to pick up documents, than go visit a friend, and drop some items off, laundry tomorrow, mediation ad dearly bedtime might be in order today. Called Ray Hill this morning and just said hi, he’s someone I also look up to and respect and would miss dearly.


The further discovery of myself, and where I want to go and whom I desire to become more in life and where I want to go in the past, present and into the future, I want more of whom I am as an inddivdiaul and to continue to grow into interpersonal enlighten, I spoke to someone whom has been attending events and teachings at the San Francisco Zen Center I make a mental but not insane note to put it on my long list of “to-do”.

Lost 4 lbs at the doctor, my diet, and change in bad habits is working, and I am headed down to my goal, I want to achieve again. I want to just loose another 26-46 lbs and Ill be happy. I also added a few liens discussed some stress, burn out, and my physical and mental issues worrying about burnout.

My doctor told me given my intelligence, and good har dowkr I am hanging there, I have another person in a 12-step proram whom has told me, they are amazed I still am sober with my obvious present stress.


Meeting with Clair fairly today, I also am meeting with a few other individuals. And have a few other tasks to use my time and resocures wisely.



Anyway Life is good, god is good and my own personal 12-step jesus moves onward.
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Talked to my grandmother today, about my grandfather. I also told her about my resentments and I might visit around the holidays I have not been home seince the spring of 2005. Well I have been home but didn’t visit family, I drank in varios bars and establishments in New Orleans, Baton Rouge, Houston, Dallas, Austin, San Francisco, Los Angeles, New York City, Miami, Portland, Seattle, Salt Lake City, Oakland, Berkeley, Chicago, Atlanta.

The other factor is I did more of my 4th step and want to get this shit over with. I want to work it over, I want to get my program in AA more seriously. I saw this young kid an axel rose look-a-like whom is under 21 whom I hope gets with it.


Spoke to TW today, about her custody battle, also spoke to DT as well, and about my trip back home maybe for the holidays, given my hate of flying, and control and dominating I might drive back for December to January 2009. Ring in the new year between New Orleans & Houston with my pickup truck and pick up my 18 month chip at LAMBDA Center and possibly visit the Houston TG Center if my higher power and faith and if I am even allowed there.

I found out the dickhead the weekend I was tossed from the country club, after breaking up with someone, moving, and getting “86ed” for a year from the marina dock. Was wrong.

Today someone was a bit mean to me, but others were nice at the metro pcs phone store, had my voice mail fixed. It seems to be working but lost messages, I also still have my at&t Treo 650 as well, the contract is up, still with the Houston area code.

I changed some code, and content on my site, and changed my face book layout a bit. I also worked on digitizing some documents with OCR and other facts into fellable PDF documents. For personal use and a client, I also cracked some weak 40-bit encryption on some PDF documents, how laughable at the low encryption, I mean can’t adobe systems take a hint?


I also added more photos on my site, did work on my 4th step, coded a few other things. Have a few things to print.

Presently ran into someone else from my Latter Day Saint past, blah. More on this later.

I’m out of here busy as a bee today.

Ciao, and toddles.
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Went to the 7am queer meeting at the San Francisco Alano Club where I continued my aa roots. I also was informed someone has gossiped about me in Lambda center and a few other meetings I attended in Houston. Some true some untrue.

I also wrote out more of my 4th step, and have been informed that My largest resentment and 4th step, and 8th step and 7th step, is coming to San Francisco, it for some obscure reason doesn’t scare me, but makes me uneasy. I need more meetings, and to get done with this bullshit.

For the first time in my life, I feel like my path is unwritten, if anything I have this weird feeling, I might have a chance to kiss and make up. Christen Is a wonderful person and one of the three sober people I called today told me, that and what I did wasn’t me it was the draft beer, wine, and vodka, and occasional whisky shots in various drinking establishments in Montrose, River Oaks, Midtown, Downtown, The High its and other parts Of Houston, Texas.

The shame and guilt I feel needs to be put in my god box, I hope and think she did things right, I don’t like the community or much here, christen is a wonderful person, I hope we are able to meet by choice, and keep our peace. Nevertheless, I am not going to disrespect our boundaries. I crossed the line, I accept she might not ever forgive me, but I hope she sees the good in me, I know others do.

I have seen hobble things here, in san Francisco, all I have is hope. I don’t know what I expect but I would sit down and talk to her, Hug her, and be honest. She is one person I do trust. In addition, I also admit I am jesious of her, she has something I want, and is someone even I look up to as a fellow sober individual in the program. I lashed out at her because I was angry and scared, and had fallen into a drunk like my SOB father who Lives In San Francisco, and given I was born in Oakland, parents lived in Berkeley.

My mother was from New Orleans my Dad from new York city, I am always hassled about my accent, given the east and west coast and southern Cajun accent. No matter where in the south I visit.

Last time I drank, I drank because I was afraid the fog was lifted and had drunk my self stupid and forgotten about AA. If we meet I would even ask her for help. But Im not going to cross the line, if she doesn’t want to admit it.

I have been praying more and doing other things, sent an email today, took care of other affairs and continued to do other matters. I wish and am homesick for Houston, but feel I do not have any support there, I would return there if I were welcome. But threes no point to going someplace where you feel unwelcome, people treat other badly. Its not the southern hospitality I am used to.


However, I’m not expecting any co-dependency or other issues.


Have a busy day today, my doc appointment and other things, I am very busy today and later. I have much to achive later and more and more. I should get my dl-328 soon as well. I have other things to work on. But am very busy. My revised social security card, with name and gender did not come in yet. I get my DMV DL-328 composed soon as well.

I hope I get a peaceful reunion, but its not spur of the moment. I also admit I could be scared more, I also am having more memories of blackouts while drinking. I also don’t think Im going to hop on a plane and fly back to Houston either. But I think I might do it one day, I miss Texas, threes tons of crap in Houston to do.
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

August 18, 2008


Self observation & confessional


I find myself likeing to be bad and naughty, even if the result is undesirebale, the fact of being loud, proud and uncensored and doing things that piss people the fuck off, get my hot knowning its taboo.
Even when I drank, I liked to be around bad people, places and things through of the naught person and my dominatrix personality and leadership and urn for the open road of highway, my boss, my truck and my way. Make me hot, the fact of diesel dykes make me hot, blah.
I need to quit taking individuals hostage with my personality, and quit being a dominatrix and shut the fuck up and mind my own fucking business, like my Ruskie friend.

Just my two cents worth, I’m going to be good, and maybe change and be more self-policing and governing and doing more inner soul and social step work, and keeping my fucking trap shut!

The other factor is I can be more evil, behind closed doors and the world wide web, with my trap shut. I can do more damage shutting the fuck up. In further notice, I also know I m a kind amazing person whom people adore, just my defects of charter suck.
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

LEEMCG.COM RELOADED & lfie in san francisco

Monday, August 18, 2008


Took care of business, had another bill come in, also dug into more of my past and long forgotten blackouts and continue to grow and be humble in sobriety, going to enjoy the silence, without dépêche mode and rework and tool my social, listening and program and shut the fuck up per say.

Re-worked some code on leemcg.com, also have a great observation on hate, gender, sexuality and discrimination. Which I shall share and observation as follows.

Observation today & yesterday in the city and county of San Francisco in the state of California.
Today
Today while picking up and dropping off some prescriptions , I also picked up a few hygienic items myself. While doing such two individuals were nasty to me, said escume me sir, than apologized when I didn’t look than the other hateful bigot, punched the other one for not speaking up than when leavening were unsure as to what the fuck I was and spend 15 minutes while waiting for main fighting amongst them sleeves, and also being non-reactive and not judgmental and enjoying the silence and chuckling in ignoring and amusement, I had a blast.

Another observation again in san Francisco last night.
Last Night around 6:30 pm at the inbounded sidewalk on the north bound side of market street near height and market, I observed a Texas truck with a duly noted Harris county EZ tag on the windshield go against traffic and get yelled at by two butch SFPD officer for being stupid Texans, and not being able to read on foot patrol. (got to love san Francisco finest)

My confessionals and open letter:

I used to boil with so much hate, racism, sexism, homo-phobia, trans-phobia. All of my life I felt I was wrong, I was discourged, I was hurt, I was laughed at. I also allowed my self-hate to allow my blood to boil. I had a spiritual experience, overcame these issues in the various drinking establishments of Houston, Texas ; New Orleans, LA ; Baton Rouge, LA ;San Francisco, CA ; Berkeley, CA ; Oakland, CA ; New York City, NY ; Los Angles, CA ; Portland, OR ; Seattle, WA amongst other unknowns my blackouts are lifting. In addition, much more is problem to be reviled.

I grew tired and continue to grow tired even in San Francisco individuals steorytpels over judgmental and telling me I cant do this because It wont be right being a woman, or trans woman, Im not a woman, Ive just reached a point where I just don’t give a fuck anymore, I don’t give a fuck what You say do or whatever, I just want to be left alone to my own devices, I have utterly high standards and either like you, lookup to you, idolize you, see you as a positive role model, hate you, don’t’ like you or tolerate you.


I know what I want, I don’t care what You think, I know what I am, and I will chive it at any costs, using legal, ethical and positive ways. I also can positively say I never knowing did any illegal drugs, though I was slipped a mucky once when drinking. I also never had sex for money, I never would despite invlfules I still do live up to some of my former LDS / Mormon utterly high standards.

Recently as well, I had an individual write REPENT on the document, I had a wire transfer come in for some code and hosting why the fuck don’t they use PayPal I don’t known anyway one of the former LDS missionaries again or others or someone from my lads background I ran into, keep in mind I met a lot of LDS folk. At least I’m not a closet case bishop, or stake president or high presdnaceywhom has homosexual or so called imago urges and repents, and goes to homosexual inversion there though god.

Diet today for my records

Begat and cream cheese, coffee
Fish with tartar sauce, rice, veggies, roll
2 lets water, peppermint
Hash browns with gravy, onions cheese, coffee, water

My health and hormone levels have been impoveing as well as my hydration issues, and been working on my fitness, I also have been poping my back and neck and working on my left hand and bad wrist.

Still awaiting my new revised social security card from the ssa, with new name and gender. And the new drivers lic, have to get those forms finished as well.
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Monday, August 18, 2008

Been busy today, with a few projects have much to blog about and some political viewpoints I will share more to come on this issue later. Caio.

Did grattuide list, called sponsor, did 4th step work,and going to have some fun today. Later.
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Recently I’ve set a new goal, for some financial matters, made some financial amends. Also taking care of issues I should have delt with long ago. Left and cut ties to someone whom is unhealthy. I also have found someone whom makes me uncomfortable with some of her defects of charter are mine as well, I need to mediate.

Ive also set some personal goals with moving on with my life, after my spiritual journey and some dirty laundry is finished. I should have my dl-328 and a few other documents filled out this week. I also took care of some other matters. I also am going to make some dietary and other changes as well.

Ive set some new goals for my future and other issues. I have been dreaming more, somewhat alas more peacefully to speak of. I also spoke to

Friday I have a doctor’s appointment up in the hills in Oakland near piedmont. I also have my group on Friday, which I attuned. Did laundry this morning, also started changing some habits and actions as well... Have a meeting this week with Clair fairly. I also spoke to someone else about a few issues, which I plan to work out, Have a doctor’s appointment on Tuesday to get the dl-328 and a few other forms completed.


I also paid off someone whom was causing me some problems locally with a breach of contract settled out of court, and caused big problems and cost me a lot of money. I also have been and conquering to make some amends to some creditors. I also am planning on my four-wheel drive tailgate as well.

I have looked a few more places in the east bay, as well as a few other matters. I also am making amendments to my will, and a few other things. I have some uncertainly, and other issues to Irion out. I’ve thought of taking leemcg.com down, possibly parentally, but maybe not. I like blogging and Ive built a good brand, over my blog. Maybe I want to settle down a bit maybe not.

I don’t like becoming too comfortable and settling in once place for too long.
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Slept good for a few hours after the support meeting at the pacific center in Berkeley, V makes me a bit uncomtorbale its odd, I do like her as a friend and maybe something more she drew that boundaries last night, but I right now her reassurances are causing me more harm than good.
I also think tomorrow I might take a day of r&r and recoperat6ion for my health and rest, like real rest using one of my means on escape at least briefly. I saw someone I reconsider whom arrived a while ago, and is using drugs again, and drinking I can spot someone on something like that, it saddens me to see the massive addition and health issues.

I also like V the fact that one she was on the job, makes a difference with me, anyone whom has a job that services the public, protects lives and property, works in lobbyism, activism, or gives time and service has some extra bonus points if they are in that profession for noble reasons, and remain honest, loyal, committed and decade to servicing the public

I dreamed ok last night, it also saddens me two vets home from Iraq, are hurting, the unlisted states government is not always doing well by vets. It’s disgraceful for individuals whom chose to service their country whom have difficulty readjusting to civilian life. It thought hat post-traumatic stress disorder might me one of them, I saw bits of my really old self in a few of them.

It saddens me that people tolerate discrimination , but also its hard to turn the other way, from the blue wall of silence, to individuals whom bicker amongst themselves weight its gay men, to lesbians, to transgender women, transgender men, bi0sexuals, gender queers, or ethnic groups, religious beliefs, political subcultures’.

The reality is on Gender, Gender Indenity, and Sexual orientation discrimnation. That it is largely based on “serotypes” that the individual works in a profession, personality, appearance, polictal views, and how they do and what they do things. The reality is, that is how sexual orientation started, gay and queers were harassed for non-conforming. The GLB community as a whole has begun to be run by rich predominantly white males, whom want it as their community. They want the “T” taken out some of the lesbians are more supportive others alas are not.


As for prop 8 in California the ballot amended outlawing Gay Marriage, I was concerning voting against it given HRCs, and years of decimation in the GLB community as a whole, but I have started to lean toward abstaining on the vote, I don’t want to do anything to harm our community, but even if it could harm it by not voting, I may vote for other ballot measures but abstain on Prop 8 given my viewpoints.

I also this year allowed my HRC membership to expire out of disgust, but did not go protest the HRC dinner, lack of given, and also some reasons where current social economic reasons. Some of my viewpoints here express some of my consertive approach, but also liberal heart.

Some don’t like that I don’t follow the leaders, and the truth be told, I don’t dislike many individuals, I just am selective in whom I choose to associate with, recently I’ve had to cut some ties do to it being spiritually un-healthy friendships, and relationships.

Furthermore, I also express the desire to express myself, somewhat un-censored, but I’m becoming older, wiser and prefer to listen more. I need to find balance. The reality I am containing to grow spiritually and better my individual self.
The fact I don’t believe a lot of the far-left liberal garbage in California, but support liberal causes. But also think a lot of the GLBTQ community needs to remember their roots and treating us as 2nd class members, and always finishing last.

The reality of also the fact is hate is felled and many events go un-told, un-published, and victims give up in attempting justice, the decetewraring American economony, the poor minatance of our highways, roads, and mass transit, the high Entergy costs, increased consumer costs, and consumers struggling just to buy staple items shows the upcoming possible collapse of our economy. The reason this increase hate, and anger, is individuals have more free time on their hands, are more irritable when struggling to make ends meet. People do things when angry, under duress, or in situations like earthquakes, fires, floods, hurricanes, and wars.

We need change in America, I used to be very patriotic even long before 9-11, its part of why I always wanted to live in Texas before I came back to California, I also used to believe in equal rights and justice for all, and the American way. Now I becoming more and more disgusted to even be an American, if I had the opportunity to leave the country, or date someone aboard in a country that more repsenttied some of my librial values, yet was consertive enough for my views, I would walk away form American in a heartbeat.

Gatitude List

1.) Grateful that I have the ability to express my feelings
2.) Grateful that I people care about me
3.) Grateful to be around individuals whom have the type of life I want to live
4.) Grateful to have food, clothing and shelter
5.) Grateful to have family, friends whom I can count on




--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Went this morning to the Human Rights commission office, and spoke to an individual about some issues, and concerns. I also recved some statements in the mail today, My new revised social security did not arrive per my own personal disappointment.

I also noticed a change about myself, from within, I don’t allow anger, and resentment to build and burn in my heart. It does upset me that I am the most hated subculture in the world, that we are discriminated against in education, employment, housing, bath-room access, travel, shopping, healthcare, human services, legal help, and public safety.
However, the point is You must in order to keep your sanity while transitioning, choose your battles wisely like the budda, and pick which fights are worth fighting, which fights are worth ignoring, and which fights are best left to your own personal Jesus.
You must have knowledge of your inner individual in order to be happy and transition, you must know whom you are, have self-confidence, sobriety, nonentity, humility. It saddens me to see so many of us in abusive co-depednacey, insecure, afraid, closeted, stealth, in the sex trade, addicted to drinking, drugs or sex.

You have to choose your battles wisely, I need to maintain some personal discipline in myself. I need to know how and when, to shut up, speak up and bourndeire,s I also need to listen more and work on my mental discipline.

The present grievance system in the United States is unfair and unjust, I think we need in pedant watchdog government agencies for non-decimation, internal affairs. And also citisining not police officers whom investigate police brutality and violations of civil rights by law enforcement, and public safety officers.





Today was productive for myself, I have come to understand that I need more for whom I am, The local Transgender communities in San Francisco sucks, some folks are cool. I also feel some wrong, in individuals whom were my friends and good positive influence I offended p, and upset and pushed away.

I made right choices, but did not repeat past masks, I found somewhat of a support network, but San Francisco is rejecting, drama, gossip central.

Gratitude list for today

1.) I am grateful for the ability to express myself calm and honestly
2.) I am grateful for having a good support network
3.) I am grateful for having friends (on-good terms) in Houston if I return that I keep in touch with
4.) I am grateful for having the understanding of unhealthy actions, and friendships and cutting contact with unhealthy individuals
5.) I am grateful for having family who loves me, even if they don’t understand me, I know they are in the heart.
I talked to a friend in the program about my fathers letter

Spoke to my grandmother today, I do worry about her, she feel recently, she is in amazing health, and also assured me we spoke a bit about my belief despite I refuse to accept any rinsed form of religion, or god, I have my own personal Jesus, I do believe in some principals from the bible, but am not overly Christian or christen indemnified but believe in the sprit of good and evil.

We discussed a lot of the events in the world, and biblical probity, a war with Russia, the contunieung to fight to liberate people whom don’t even agree or are one country, the blood for oil, however without oil and trucks modern society would die, we are overly oil co-dependant. Without trucks and oil everyone would be un-employed.

Nevertheless, my grandmother and great aunt, lived to ripe old age, perhaps I will also. I try to take good care of myself. And am aim amazieing health, and fitness and large parts of my life, but also is adventure. I am not as careless and reckless, but I do like some adventure and am willing to walk-away if necessary, I feel more liberated in myself, life but want some meaning, and purpose and to do something, I want to change the world in some way for the better of humanity.

I even would like to go overseas for human rights, even to a war town or someplace politically dangerous for Americans, because I care, because I like living on the road, because I’m under 30 and god darn I want to do something not for me, a mission, a mission of humanities or something good. I want to be a big sister to someone that really needs some gratitude. Seeing the hurricane Katrina, the people In reliant park, the destruction of mother nature, the destruction of hurricane Rita, my mother’s death. I want to do good for the world as a whole. Do something good before I start to age.

I also admit I am scared of going blind, loosening my impedance, Losing my health, my youth, my vigor, I’m 27 and in really good shape and health, and am starting to understand some things physically are a bit more of a challenge as I age. And with my transition I am more of a challenge to lift, things but bodybuilding, aerobics, and fitness and eating good are a bit part of my life.

I don’t want someone to tell me I can phycaly or women or transgender women can’t do a workforce or profession, I want to be a pioneer, maybe a otr trucker, maybe even a humanitarian aid trucker, I want my own truck, 5th wheel, some land or a plot a rv resort. I plan to live in California but like ameirc the back roads, some of that might have to do with my mother leaving California in a u-haul memories of trucking in 1983 with my mother from Berkeley, CA to New Orleans, I remember some of my parents fighting, my mother minumlipiteing my father, and other things.

I remember being afraid when they fought, I remember being around 5, 6 or 7 and feeling like my mother whom had custody of me was using me, to win the courts over with her, I remember me feelings of my transgender issues, I remember HJM not being supportive, and I told him knowing he was very different from my parents and he vowed to make a man out of me.

I remember in my young adult hood, converting to the LDS church, being very brutally, butch and trying to fit in and sinking deeper and deeper into depression and insecurity and happiness, trying to have the so called god and angels remove my unhip [pines.

I remember falling in love, and than being sent to have the devil taken out of me, I also remember pain.

The point is we live, die , age try and grow prosper and lean, and our soul and life is what we make it, good things come to those who wait.

Who says you cant go home its where the heart is. You are always welcome in the lone star state, one day after I get some time, distance, and humibmitlity I will go back to visit space city, I miss Texas, and all the rural small towns in between.



--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Had a good meeting this morning, continued to grow, had a big scare left my purse and documents in the alano club, was able to regain access to the club. I also grew more for myself, and continue to grow.
The thought of going back to an ICE Deportation center scares the shit out of or being in a CCA facility. And in part the memorys I have are swiss cheased, I assume the individual I saw was not my father, as given his e-mail response, he does not want any contact with me, I suppose I will do that, and the feeling can be forever mutuial.
I also was able to recover the documents and other items. I suppose I got what I wanted freedom from bondage, and I make my own rules in the world we read about growing up from co-dependacy from as bill sees it medation book.
Furthermore, I contunie to grow again in mr the documents and other items. I suppose I got what I wanted freedom from bondage, and I make my own rules in the world we read about growing up from co-dependacy from as bill sees it medation book.

I left to texas to achive new things, cut old ties, humble myself and rasie the bottom. I hate being so much like my mother. I didn’t like my mother and how she carried her self. I resent her and well don’t have her to tell.

I also left Louisiana because I needed distance, I suppose as an outcast, I read in the bay times, and bay area reporter about another FTM podcaster whom and I share some polical views and did get to briefly meet at the Pride fest.

Prehaps the guy I met even though he had University ID was an admirer, maybe it could not hurt to get my foot in the door at UC Berkeley, in spsirt. He might have been in the CS or CIS department, networking for personal gain, professional gain, eudcatiuonal gain is allways good for me.

Anyway the blogger and podcaster and I were againt Gay marrage, per say he feels the GLBTQ community as awhole becmae run by rich white males, whom have their own agdneda. The fact is GLBTQ individuals are persucutired for not fiting gender and sexual orientat5ion steortypes, HRC has largely abandoned us, and I even have allowed my HRC memebership to expire in disgust at their dealings with EDNA.
He is againt prop 8 for the reasoning that we need equity for all, some of his wording and viewpoints I find disgustting such as quotes “some men have viganas, and some women have dicks” is a bit offencive, b ut so am I, and ppeople like him, bill o’reilly, michal salavge and howard stern and indivudals like Marvin Zinbdler and Ray Hill I like beucase they break norms in jourialsm for their virew points or the public good.I further continue to grow with more spirtuality for myself and grow as an individual into enlightment

Grattuide List
1.) Greatful for being able to have some fear and grattuide for finding someone and refraining from syaing something self-destrucive (90% of my trouble is from openoing my mouth, my blog, website, or not opening my mouth or spekaing up unill its to late)
2.) Greatful for being able to have a place to stay, safe
3.) Greatful to be able to boost self confiudance
4.) Greatful to ber able to start working on some finacnial goals
5.) Greatful to be able to work on other goals

Furthermore, I contunie to grow again in my program. I suppose I lost my father for good, and I have to accept that, Ill shove him aside in my virtual lockb

To do today
1.) Check post office box
2.) Mail Letters
3.) Do step work & call sposnor
4.) Eat, remember to HALT
5.) Take R&R





--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Monday, August 11, 2008
The list to do

1.) Drop off documents / junk at mini-storage / office
2.) Check mail
3.) Write letters / essay / code
4.) Send out resume
5.) R&R
Gratitude List
1.) Grateful I don’t have to lie, cheat or use or abuse others anymore
2.) Grateful I can choose whom to hang out around
3.) Grateful I am safe and can be assertive for me needs
4.) Grateful that I have people who care about me
5.) Grateful that I choose to obey the law



Slept really good last night, awoke this morning. Yesterday had a guy chase me from the creep vine around the church street MUNI Metro station. I quit hanging out around the insanity. I think I am going to find a new coffee shop to relax, which I have changed where I have associates with the GLBT community.
I don’t like the drug use in the city and county of San Francisco. I also don’t like many individuals in the san Francisco transgender community which I don’t like most TG folks anyway. I also don’t like much of the political ideology of the GLBT community in general.

Received a bite for a care taker position in the Height Ashbury, which Is live in and could be very beneficial for myself. I also composed more documents, made some amends with a few debtors.

I also cut ties to an individual which our friendship, working relatshionship was spiritually unhealthy, I also in one of the groups I started attending outside the city of san Francisco have discussed others don’t like the TG folks in the san Francisco and groups given most talk about turning tricks, or other illegal things.
I also talked to another person about so (l me of the logistical issues, received an email about another gab at a caretaker (live-in) position, might do that again.

Spoke to a few individuals about a few logical parking, insurance and other problems.
Checked the code, and tweaked a few items to make the index.html page load a bit faster.
Worked in File Maker PRO on a database for someone, also did some Photoshop design and may redesign a few other items.

I’ve had to mix up my coffee shops a bit due to not desiring to have ANYTHING to do with a few people she well is stalking me and in my business. I changed items I am not going to let her hold me hostage, and I could care less what the fuck other people say think or do about me, the only thing is I am not going to tolerate being disrespected or discriminated against.

However, not every battle of hate, discriamtion should be fought in affirming my rights, so sometimes its better just to walk away, given how much of a bitch I can be. I also am not taking my southwest airlines flight on wed. This week from Oakland to New Orleans International.















--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Slept ok, rested well. My body is sore and I am very tired. My back is hurting as are my boobs. I have a minor flu. Per say.
Going Camping to a remote wilderness where I can return my body and soul to nature, is becoming more clear. I have some affairs to get in order. Soon, I did send a e-mail to a former friend whom I have deep resentments and told her some things.

My DL-328 goes through next week, I also need to update my will, and take care of some financial affairs, I also want my will to reflect some change in benefited from the present to go to christen Williams given my huge fear, shame and resentment.

I miss my mother and look forward toward joining her, maybe I wont feel so sad, and blue tomorrow, I went to a debtors anonymous meeting on Friday. I ate ok this morning; I might go to church or to a meeting in a little while. My sinus hurts badly as well.

I talked to my grandmother told her I loved her as my sponsor suggested, I also told her even though I feel like she doesn’t understand me, I know she loves me.

I lookfoward toward the celestial kingdom, the glory or wherever I go.


Anyway I much tasks to perform

Gratitude list
1.) My documents are almost finishes
2.) I am grateful I can admit I need to stop working my own program
3.) II am grateful I know need to write out my 4th step an diet the craziness over with
4.) I am grateful that I have 3 sober people to call every day
5.) I’m grateful to have folks whom love me
A letter to a friend (information removed to protect anonminity)



I was wrong in my transgressions, I committed against you during my days of drinking, I drank because I was afraid, I was angry at myself, I hurt and I was jellies of you, and others. I drank because I wanted to die, and was scared.
I left Houston gave away walked away from a lot. I realized I needed humility and gratitude; I left at very short notice. I left because I could not admit defeat; and poets and I was ashamed of past transgressions I committed against the Houston Transgender Community, I scared others and wanted others to suffer as I did.

I left because I needed gratitude. I want to return, I don’t like the ramped Drug use and drinking here and tolerance. But I have nothing to come home to. I can’t go to my family for my sanity. I am very pleased you achieved your goals. With the TG Center
Las t Summer (2007) when you reached out to me, I was afraid, I found the bar stool. Again. Very briefly. I am tired of suffering, my soul hurting. Maybe I needed to say I’m sorry and actually mean it, Maybe I would like your assistance in returning to Houston if I have a community and place to cove home to that’s safe and supportive.

I don’t want to be abusive to others, myself or even be self-destructing, I want help, and a chance of a life. I am asking you for a chance something that has taken a long time to do. I am very ashamed and scared of my past transgressions to various individuals known and unknown, I am tired of my lies, using individuals to achieve what I want. I don’t like it here, and don’t want to run away anymore.

I want to come home if I have someone to help me and come home to.

You attempted to be kind to me, and reach out well beyond you should have, I was mean and I also admit I was wrong.

I need it, help. In addition, I am willing to work with you,, I also trust you. Moreover, am willing to follow your guidelines.
IM tired of being sick and tired, and I don’t want to drink anymore, I’m just tired, I’m to the point to where I lookfowatrd to the other side.

I want recovery and sanity or I want death, I have some affairs to get in order, or I can return to my mother of nature. Alternatively, Houston and recovery.

Sobriety Date 7-13-2007


I look forward toward working together,



Leigh “LEE” McInnis Gaetjens




Furthermore I continue to feel not connected perhaps these feelings will pass and I will find the acceptance I am looking for further to the north, I also looked at opportunities with the present recession and poor economy in the City Of Angels, which in fact can be a lot like Houston.


As well as opportunities and preformed networking in the Big Apple. Despite the factor that California has better TG equity laws in the first place, but the price is paid for dearly.


California seems to be an interesting state for reform and how they deal with difference and change in old ways. San Francisco is a city of bums, lazy labial drunk drug addicts for the most part, or 6,7,8 figure gratuity students or independently wealthy.

California how change in ways and groups weather ethic, social, sexual oriental gender identity or other relies or protected groups. THE Silent decimation through lies, minulipoution and deception. The using


But I am gald to be here, I feel a bit better now that I had some hot and spicy soup, my
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Saturday, August 09, 2008
Came back from Berkeley last night on the 12:48 kissed the 11:48 WAS ON Bart with queers, fallen women, drunks, druggies, commuters. The main metro was late also, had to wait on that got in around 1:20 or so. Showered got out the shower about 2am, awoke at 5am as bright cheerful, hardworking and assertive as ever.

Slept good, while at the laundry this morning, I forgot to drop my cardigan sweater in which I will be doing a bit more laundry later anyway next week so, Ill do it than. My jacket still did not come in from Austin. Poot.

I dreamed last night of climbing a mountain rappelling down the pacific coast highway the daredevil in me never dies.

Sometimes people wonder why I blog and post so much of my life on the internet?

Ill share, My blog, website is like children, I leave my mark on the internet hope that achieves, and blogs and history I want to share more about individually, transsexuals, gender issues, stereotypes, discirmatnion, orginsed relgion, sobriety, faith, my own persona Jesus, narcissi, life, drama, love, portray, family, insanity, Sexual formation and inform future generations of me.

I leave my mark and DNA to speak so to fight for the future of other young individuals whom started this journey as young or younger than I did.

The topic came up in the group that dating and groups in the city most are working escort whores, I talked and have some friendship with one whom used to be “on the job” with SFPD.

I share abuse police brutality, reform of drug laws, reform of criminal and civil justice, ending of hate, improvement of hate crimes production, more protections for employees, housing, the bad economy, and elections.

I share abut rape, sexual assault, suicide, death, life experiences, pain, pleasure and more of good and evil, so future generations with search engines and evolution of data mining, and archiving people can learn from history and the pain of the past.
I have a RSS and other feeds to assure lifetime archival.

Had a realization of something with holding people hostage with my terrorism and given that I am legally a documented terrorist watch list, and one of my favorite computer games is counterstrike.

Also ironically in the group it came up indicusscuion bomb making, pranks, terosim, cybercrime, and chemistry. I’ve through of such foolish things, but I have pride of whom I am. My rebellious youth and coming out is over.

I keep my desires, understand, and will go see the dark knight because I understand Batman’s pain, agony, and suffering. I understand his desire for revenge and vigilantism.

Anyway I have tasks I need to finish this morning and cont8unie to accomplish.





More about the run-in with my father yesterday.
1.) I am not un-controlling in my anger at him
2.) I do want him in my life
3.) I didn’t feel I could spiritually handle it, and feel if we are to have any sort of relatshionship it would have to be with a unbiased neutral theprsit with individual and group conceling.
4.) I am obdieing by his wishes, by not contacting him, him gawking at me (which I do know I look a lot like my mother when she was in her 20s and in the San Francisco Bay Area)
5.) I do want to try to build some sort of relatshionship with him
6.) I am afraid to Let him in my life
7.) I have some distrust towards him
8.) I didn’t cut him out just yet
9.) I want to know him but in a safe natural unbiased envoriminet
10.) Him Contacting me at a AC Transit stop is not the way I want to build a relatshionship given my own admission of distrust, anger, portrayal I ignored him for the best of both of us, and it was a bit upsetting to me
11.) I wanted to invite him to the group I was going to but I didn’t feel it would be spiritually healthy


I hurt for things I said and did to him, I hurt for myself for years pretending to be someone I wasn’t. I hurt for not knowing my father, I am angry at my mother for moving back to Louisiana. I am angry that I can’t be angry at my mother due to the fact she died, quite brutally and just let her self fall to peaces after the split with my father.

Her Unhappiness, violation, depression. I also hurt for her bad remarriage, and lost relatshiinships as well as her unwillingness to do anything to improve herself, and sit in that dark dinky depressing house with her sickness of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and depression.

To allow her personal Life to fall into Disrepair, to abandon me to foster care. To allow HJM to not trust me. Ive had more childhood memories I have suppressed for so many years of my mother and parents fighting at around and even once at the grocery store.

I feel angry with my father for not using and trying to bring me back here. I am angry at my mother at bringing me to Houston shortly before she abounded me when she was dating a woman in Houston. I also had some exposure to AA and in the future where I would become sober at lambda center and become a drunk on the streets of Montrose in Houston, Texas.

I would get sober in the City Of Houston Jail and Harris County Jail, the 2nd largest overcrowded very unsanitary, dirty in rooms with 300 people made to hold 50, overflowing toilets, lack of ventilation, lack of hygiene opportunism which is not being investigated by the US Justice Department for human rights violations.
I have witnessed deputy’s murder inmates, and prisons in my various stays and routes as a vendor, or working as a subcontractor with a vendor.


Gratitude List
1.) Grateful that I have a plan and am sticking to my program, educational, employment, housing and other goals
2.) Grateful that I have regained good balance with my 12-step program in AA and joined a few other support groups
3.) Grateful that I can draw the line in the sand and set firm boundaries
4.) Grateful That I can work on my social defects of charter,
Grateful that I can le
5.) t go of unhealthy friendships, partnerships and relatshionships through being assertive
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
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I kept my name due to honor my mother’s other name choices for other genders, and because I wasn’t quite ready to drop my father from my heritage just quite yet. Nevertheless, I wasn’t ready spiritually or emotionally I think we would be better getting equated in a theorist which I am not willing to allow him into my Support circle just yet.

The choice is up to him , otherwise writing him off as a loss is acceptable, I found someone a woman whom views herself like seven of nine, bland, and captain laneway. Which I want more of what the doctor and tuvok has.

I had no idea I was not alone in my sickness.
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Friday, August 08, 2008

Saw my father tonight on the way to a group meeting / outing in Berkeley. I assume he was leavening work. He ran across the street to correspond with me than used the Fargo atm. I did not have any reason to commutate with him, or invite him to where I am going.

Mainly due to trust issues, and I don’t know him and am unsure if I want him in my life. Its not that I am unwilling to go to family counseling and talk about our distrust, portrayal and anger. He told me to back off and someone running across the street to talk to me, whom told me a few days ago corresponding with him or others would be viewed as harassment is a paradox and conflict in itself.

The only reason I contacted individuals (through face book) was again to attempt to have an unbiased or natural 3rd party to attempt to build a relatshinship with. Which I am willing but I am unwilling to put myself in a sticky suction on a public street and cause myself more problems outside the Downtown Berkeley Bart station, I also had memories of my childhood in the downtown Berkeley library. Comeback, and had some cheap hole in the wall Chinese food. A guilty carnivore pleasure.

Look forward to the support group and more of life to come and the road ahead, going to have to research more east bay meeting places for next time.

I am willing to go to Family heryuep with him maybe evne his new wife, at a LBGT coucnelingpalce, and marriage and family counter,. I also know my father reads my blog regularly as well.
Im even open to going to the pacific center if he is truly willing to have contact with me, than he is more than able to contact me, the doors are open but I distrust him on a street corner approaching me.

In addition, Yes I am angry at him, but would I hurt him no, I shoved him aside in sprit as far as I am concerned he died in the early 1980s when my mother left California. I do want to get to know and have him in my life, but I don’t trust him
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger