Monday, August 25, 2008.

I thought I would clarity more on myself, what I did this morning was very noble, and a very good deed, which I don’t need to brag about, some people were shocked. I also do not want nor expect anything in return, it will cause me some manageable hardship, but no good deed goes un-noticed or punished maybe my higher power and personal Jesus will discover that.

Furthermore, I understand why I have such anger directed at my resentment CW in Houston, I resent her so much, because she is so happy, she doesn’t have to buy her happiness, she is kind, loving, and nice to others, she was nice or tried to be to me, when I was very nasty and did everything I could to try and piss her off.

Misery loves company, I’m afraid, she (CW) has something I want, something I fear I’ll never achieve. I wish I could face my fear, I left Houston because of the guilt, shame, and not wanting to admit defeat and be powerless, and possibly having to face her again. I relapsed around pride 2007 in Houston; I made it through pride sober, and got drunk after pride on Monday, that just fucking sucks I was only out for a night or two... Not because of her, but because of fear.

The answer to my problems, is not booze, wine, or vodka, jello shots, or screwdrivers, or an occasional shot of whisky, or draft beer, its understanding whom I am, what I do wrong, and what I learn and grow. Failure is not an option for me, I like power, control and to be overly dominating in my personal, work and aspects of my life.

That’s a blessing and a curse, I need more fun, and charitable time, I need my optimism, groove, and smiles. I need miles of road on a motorcycle, truck, or just at peace at home, I need more of whom I am.
In further enlighten I also discover my charity, kind, and individuals on the west coast are not as hospitable as us southern, and Texans. It’s odd and obscure tolerant, and liberal but bitchy. I just want to find myself, I want to be myself, I also know what I want and am working toward it. I miss the lone star state, but alas I ruined my chances there so to speak on various bar stools.
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Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
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