Thursday, August 21, 2008


I received a call today from someone in my east bay support group, They asked me not to come friday, the past few weeks I have been a bit overly emotional and some folks know with my honesty my past history in Houston. I am not going to repeat past transgressions.

They also didn’t ban, me the economy is bad right now, even in san Francisco. I miht have to make further scrafices, in my life, and even future. IT hurts dearly having to make difficult and hard choices.

I also talked to someone, and I might be able to come back, I haven’t crossed the line. And won’t but at least I’m fair, balanced and honest.

I draw the line at my past, I am ashamed of what I did, I am making living amends by leavening, I miss my therapist as well I miss Melanie Morrison a lot. I miss Texas BBQ, vegan food, ecclica, Taco trucks, stuck in traffic.

I feel more and more alone, I feel lost, I feel hurt. I also feel the culture shock of California and san Francisco. I also don’t like to admit it but I’m scared.

My father did recently disown me, I also know Christen My biggest resentment will be here, I also am distrustful as to why she really may be here, she might be her, to try to emanate me, or she might be for business with her non-profit, or she might offer me to come home>

I don’t know how I would react, I know how I would not react given if and when we meet, I am planning on keeping a lower profile in the next few weeks to months and possibly leavening town or the state for a while just to avoid christen.

I generally have distrust for GLBT and Transgender communities and individuals a s whole, I don’t distrust christen, but given our bad blood, past history and the fact last time I drank because I saw her and she extended her hand.

They (support group) are going to discuss it, I did not do anything wrong in genal Im peaceful and settled down from my wild west days.


The truth be told, I also think she might have alter motives for something here even if to offer me things. I don’t feel welcome here, I will have 14 months sober, I miss Texas a lot. Also fear she might double-cross me either with HPD or Phyllis or something else if she even bothers to attempt to locate me.

I don’t have the answers, the story of the 15 year transgender kid, saddens me parts of my youth and foster care bothers me. I miss my family; I feel less and less conncted and do not think I have a future in Harvey, Louisiana or even with my father here in the San Francisco Bay Area.

I don’t feel I connect much, I grow tired of despite ordinances, silent discretion from private establishments, public agencies. I also grow tied of looking the other way at hate. And understanding its not right fighting every battle.

I am glad she gore what she wanted, and I know she does care she is an amazing person. I also know she might feel a bit resentful of me, But I do not trust her. I did feel portrayed also felt HACS just let go of me. Maybe she is coming for vacation, maybe to reach out to me. I know I won’t return to Texas with-out legal assurances of refractions, I’d rather go to jail in caluiofnria where I have a better chance of be treated better and I would not be relapsed to an area near her.

It’s not the concqucnes I fear, it’s the polical and rights I want. I don’t even know what I want but I know I want stability, a life, and a fair and evil chance, I also know for my political views and given I am a bit of a radical in the GLBT community whether in New Orleans, Houston Dallas, Austin, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Berkeley, Oakland, New York City or Vancouver

I stand out, I am an individual not some textbook person, at least I have bite. At least I’m a smart individual who is not a stereotype.



I have more and other addenda as well. I have other issues I am working on and a few other factors. Had a good therapy see ion today, I also had few other things.
While its true being a busy body, being able to comp rend a few other launges broken, and also read lips, and good hearing, and street smarts. Moreover, being able to social engender be minulipive, aggrieve assertive and my photographic memory and good deduction skills.

I could in theory avoid christen, and others. And I will find out more about her trip I also was told someone else might be coming as well. I could keep low for awhile. Im smarter than she is. The same way Mathew Wilson evades discovery, I am highly inelegant individual.







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Lee McInnis Gaetjens
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