Saturday, August 09, 2008
Came back from Berkeley last night on the 12:48 kissed the 11:48 WAS ON Bart with queers, fallen women, drunks, druggies, commuters. The main metro was late also, had to wait on that got in around 1:20 or so. Showered got out the shower about 2am, awoke at 5am as bright cheerful, hardworking and assertive as ever.

Slept good, while at the laundry this morning, I forgot to drop my cardigan sweater in which I will be doing a bit more laundry later anyway next week so, Ill do it than. My jacket still did not come in from Austin. Poot.

I dreamed last night of climbing a mountain rappelling down the pacific coast highway the daredevil in me never dies.

Sometimes people wonder why I blog and post so much of my life on the internet?

Ill share, My blog, website is like children, I leave my mark on the internet hope that achieves, and blogs and history I want to share more about individually, transsexuals, gender issues, stereotypes, discirmatnion, orginsed relgion, sobriety, faith, my own persona Jesus, narcissi, life, drama, love, portray, family, insanity, Sexual formation and inform future generations of me.

I leave my mark and DNA to speak so to fight for the future of other young individuals whom started this journey as young or younger than I did.

The topic came up in the group that dating and groups in the city most are working escort whores, I talked and have some friendship with one whom used to be “on the job” with SFPD.

I share abuse police brutality, reform of drug laws, reform of criminal and civil justice, ending of hate, improvement of hate crimes production, more protections for employees, housing, the bad economy, and elections.

I share abut rape, sexual assault, suicide, death, life experiences, pain, pleasure and more of good and evil, so future generations with search engines and evolution of data mining, and archiving people can learn from history and the pain of the past.
I have a RSS and other feeds to assure lifetime archival.

Had a realization of something with holding people hostage with my terrorism and given that I am legally a documented terrorist watch list, and one of my favorite computer games is counterstrike.

Also ironically in the group it came up indicusscuion bomb making, pranks, terosim, cybercrime, and chemistry. I’ve through of such foolish things, but I have pride of whom I am. My rebellious youth and coming out is over.

I keep my desires, understand, and will go see the dark knight because I understand Batman’s pain, agony, and suffering. I understand his desire for revenge and vigilantism.

Anyway I have tasks I need to finish this morning and cont8unie to accomplish.





More about the run-in with my father yesterday.
1.) I am not un-controlling in my anger at him
2.) I do want him in my life
3.) I didn’t feel I could spiritually handle it, and feel if we are to have any sort of relatshionship it would have to be with a unbiased neutral theprsit with individual and group conceling.
4.) I am obdieing by his wishes, by not contacting him, him gawking at me (which I do know I look a lot like my mother when she was in her 20s and in the San Francisco Bay Area)
5.) I do want to try to build some sort of relatshionship with him
6.) I am afraid to Let him in my life
7.) I have some distrust towards him
8.) I didn’t cut him out just yet
9.) I want to know him but in a safe natural unbiased envoriminet
10.) Him Contacting me at a AC Transit stop is not the way I want to build a relatshionship given my own admission of distrust, anger, portrayal I ignored him for the best of both of us, and it was a bit upsetting to me
11.) I wanted to invite him to the group I was going to but I didn’t feel it would be spiritually healthy


I hurt for things I said and did to him, I hurt for myself for years pretending to be someone I wasn’t. I hurt for not knowing my father, I am angry at my mother for moving back to Louisiana. I am angry that I can’t be angry at my mother due to the fact she died, quite brutally and just let her self fall to peaces after the split with my father.

Her Unhappiness, violation, depression. I also hurt for her bad remarriage, and lost relatshiinships as well as her unwillingness to do anything to improve herself, and sit in that dark dinky depressing house with her sickness of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and depression.

To allow her personal Life to fall into Disrepair, to abandon me to foster care. To allow HJM to not trust me. Ive had more childhood memories I have suppressed for so many years of my mother and parents fighting at around and even once at the grocery store.

I feel angry with my father for not using and trying to bring me back here. I am angry at my mother at bringing me to Houston shortly before she abounded me when she was dating a woman in Houston. I also had some exposure to AA and in the future where I would become sober at lambda center and become a drunk on the streets of Montrose in Houston, Texas.

I would get sober in the City Of Houston Jail and Harris County Jail, the 2nd largest overcrowded very unsanitary, dirty in rooms with 300 people made to hold 50, overflowing toilets, lack of ventilation, lack of hygiene opportunism which is not being investigated by the US Justice Department for human rights violations.
I have witnessed deputy’s murder inmates, and prisons in my various stays and routes as a vendor, or working as a subcontractor with a vendor.


Gratitude List
1.) Grateful that I have a plan and am sticking to my program, educational, employment, housing and other goals
2.) Grateful that I have regained good balance with my 12-step program in AA and joined a few other support groups
3.) Grateful that I can draw the line in the sand and set firm boundaries
4.) Grateful That I can work on my social defects of charter,
Grateful that I can le
5.) t go of unhealthy friendships, partnerships and relatshionships through being assertive
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
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http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
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