Thursday, August 14, 2008

Went this morning to the Human Rights commission office, and spoke to an individual about some issues, and concerns. I also recved some statements in the mail today, My new revised social security did not arrive per my own personal disappointment.

I also noticed a change about myself, from within, I don’t allow anger, and resentment to build and burn in my heart. It does upset me that I am the most hated subculture in the world, that we are discriminated against in education, employment, housing, bath-room access, travel, shopping, healthcare, human services, legal help, and public safety.
However, the point is You must in order to keep your sanity while transitioning, choose your battles wisely like the budda, and pick which fights are worth fighting, which fights are worth ignoring, and which fights are best left to your own personal Jesus.
You must have knowledge of your inner individual in order to be happy and transition, you must know whom you are, have self-confidence, sobriety, nonentity, humility. It saddens me to see so many of us in abusive co-depednacey, insecure, afraid, closeted, stealth, in the sex trade, addicted to drinking, drugs or sex.

You have to choose your battles wisely, I need to maintain some personal discipline in myself. I need to know how and when, to shut up, speak up and bourndeire,s I also need to listen more and work on my mental discipline.

The present grievance system in the United States is unfair and unjust, I think we need in pedant watchdog government agencies for non-decimation, internal affairs. And also citisining not police officers whom investigate police brutality and violations of civil rights by law enforcement, and public safety officers.





Today was productive for myself, I have come to understand that I need more for whom I am, The local Transgender communities in San Francisco sucks, some folks are cool. I also feel some wrong, in individuals whom were my friends and good positive influence I offended p, and upset and pushed away.

I made right choices, but did not repeat past masks, I found somewhat of a support network, but San Francisco is rejecting, drama, gossip central.

Gratitude list for today

1.) I am grateful for the ability to express myself calm and honestly
2.) I am grateful for having a good support network
3.) I am grateful for having friends (on-good terms) in Houston if I return that I keep in touch with
4.) I am grateful for having the understanding of unhealthy actions, and friendships and cutting contact with unhealthy individuals
5.) I am grateful for having family who loves me, even if they don’t understand me, I know they are in the heart.
I talked to a friend in the program about my fathers letter

Spoke to my grandmother today, I do worry about her, she feel recently, she is in amazing health, and also assured me we spoke a bit about my belief despite I refuse to accept any rinsed form of religion, or god, I have my own personal Jesus, I do believe in some principals from the bible, but am not overly Christian or christen indemnified but believe in the sprit of good and evil.

We discussed a lot of the events in the world, and biblical probity, a war with Russia, the contunieung to fight to liberate people whom don’t even agree or are one country, the blood for oil, however without oil and trucks modern society would die, we are overly oil co-dependant. Without trucks and oil everyone would be un-employed.

Nevertheless, my grandmother and great aunt, lived to ripe old age, perhaps I will also. I try to take good care of myself. And am aim amazieing health, and fitness and large parts of my life, but also is adventure. I am not as careless and reckless, but I do like some adventure and am willing to walk-away if necessary, I feel more liberated in myself, life but want some meaning, and purpose and to do something, I want to change the world in some way for the better of humanity.

I even would like to go overseas for human rights, even to a war town or someplace politically dangerous for Americans, because I care, because I like living on the road, because I’m under 30 and god darn I want to do something not for me, a mission, a mission of humanities or something good. I want to be a big sister to someone that really needs some gratitude. Seeing the hurricane Katrina, the people In reliant park, the destruction of mother nature, the destruction of hurricane Rita, my mother’s death. I want to do good for the world as a whole. Do something good before I start to age.

I also admit I am scared of going blind, loosening my impedance, Losing my health, my youth, my vigor, I’m 27 and in really good shape and health, and am starting to understand some things physically are a bit more of a challenge as I age. And with my transition I am more of a challenge to lift, things but bodybuilding, aerobics, and fitness and eating good are a bit part of my life.

I don’t want someone to tell me I can phycaly or women or transgender women can’t do a workforce or profession, I want to be a pioneer, maybe a otr trucker, maybe even a humanitarian aid trucker, I want my own truck, 5th wheel, some land or a plot a rv resort. I plan to live in California but like ameirc the back roads, some of that might have to do with my mother leaving California in a u-haul memories of trucking in 1983 with my mother from Berkeley, CA to New Orleans, I remember some of my parents fighting, my mother minumlipiteing my father, and other things.

I remember being afraid when they fought, I remember being around 5, 6 or 7 and feeling like my mother whom had custody of me was using me, to win the courts over with her, I remember me feelings of my transgender issues, I remember HJM not being supportive, and I told him knowing he was very different from my parents and he vowed to make a man out of me.

I remember in my young adult hood, converting to the LDS church, being very brutally, butch and trying to fit in and sinking deeper and deeper into depression and insecurity and happiness, trying to have the so called god and angels remove my unhip [pines.

I remember falling in love, and than being sent to have the devil taken out of me, I also remember pain.

The point is we live, die , age try and grow prosper and lean, and our soul and life is what we make it, good things come to those who wait.

Who says you cant go home its where the heart is. You are always welcome in the lone star state, one day after I get some time, distance, and humibmitlity I will go back to visit space city, I miss Texas, and all the rural small towns in between.



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Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
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