02/18/08

Tomorrow on the agenda is the Post Office box, My Pick-em up truck has been moved out of Texas and is gone and out of here. I remembered something and was able to seek help, for my insanity of myself, I have some anti-depressants for my panic I cant think of the name of the things I think they were the things dr sami wanted me to consider, but she didn't have any and I was rejected 3x by MHMRA and sought help at the county health dept, and was unable to get the help I needed.

I don't really remember much about my past, but I'm sort of getting it and becoming able to love myself, part of my faults were not taking good care of my program, last night I did a random act of kindness and it payed of pretty well. I had some goodness come to me, for doing something not to show off my narcissism and all about me, and I am sort of starting to get it or myself.

I to some degree am dealing with my own trans-phobia. Again and the inner bitch, I am thinking I might by pass Texas or go around partly in my trip through here, though I am not sure, my biggest fear is being arrested for using the bathroom in a state or city or county with no protections. I don't want any more drama, I just want to get my truck and go but I am ahead of myself.

I'm even afraid of flying, or going through the TSA bullshit, I am tried of the drama, the womens shelter is insane, a lot of the women are nuts, bitch around all day and don't do anything, or complain and a few are dishonest, some I can detect their Texas accent or Louisiana or Miss accent. I hurt knowing I am right and am doing the right thing and cant force someone to.

It hurts walking every block and catching a sniff of booze, pot or something else, some parts of the city have things than can poke you from IV drug users. I just be very selective and don't get to caught in myself.

I also am doing what I must maybe being a bit more proactive, I didn't get much done early on due to my cold. But I am taking care of business, and because of my kind act yesterday I made a new friend that offered to help me, but I wont abuse it and they are remodeling their house and I donut want a handout, I want to work or help paint or move things.

I also miss my family, they don't understand what its like for me, I wanted help but none of the programs gave me any, I gave up on my proactive-ness. I'm not going to put myself in a institution and be abused, again. I committed myself once in Harris county when I was being abused at work and they were none to kind to me. And I don't want to talk about it again

I went back to my vegan and discipline, my friend in the shelter who's 2 years older than me, and we got into a debate about being trans gender, I showed her my old drivers license photo and she thinks I'm cute, I don't choose this some folks don't get it, and she overloaded me but also helped me understand I need to work on my own self confidence and trans phobia.

Anyway I start soon on this outpatient program dealing with my drinking issues with folks who have stopped or are in early sobriety it hopeful will work out well. I also am awaiting my divisibility to be restarted and also a payment from a lawsuit settlement. I also will hopefully soon be flying back to New Orleans and leave quickly, it hurts not to want to see your folks, and family, friends, folks who raised you, I also wont be stooping in Houston just passing through, briefly and I plan on avoiding the town and area as much as possible and hustle to phoenix, az quickly, and maybe rest in Houston or someplace else or push myself to Austin before leavening for the next leg, Austin might be a stay over and no partying for this girl.

I made the right choice, PMG and I fought today about not driving there, I'm not welcome in NOLA ethier because of things I did, I'm tired of getting it trouble and bad reputations, and Ive managed to stay off law enforcements radar here, and out of trouble, and be a good girl and do whats right for me even if its not always easy.

I miss it and have some bad habits I'm working on, but its hard but progress and not perfection, and enlightenment keeps growing even if sometimes I think it doesn't, I am controlling the inner bitch.

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Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)