It hurts, got a call today for a phone interview at Walgreen. Hope it pans out here in san Francisco, Walgreen is one of the good Trans gender Include retailers and might get be back feeling good about myself. Ill see if I get a 2nd interview as well.
I talked to my grandmother today, you should have done this and that, blah, blah. You don't have a drinking problem we never saw or talked to you drunk. The reality is I learned my father was a drunk, my mother when rasping me and unhappy with her life might have dabbled in it, just as I did later in young adulthood with vokkia (screwdriver) a bit after a Hard day at wal-mart I used to lay back and relax at home. The American dream shattered.
It hurts to have someone who's in her 80s the last left, to be so scuttle, and unsupportive and it hurts to be hurting and wanting them to understand what I have and why I am so unhappy, I tried to discuss HJM (my great uncle who died in 1991) he was very arrogant, played by his old rules. On on occasion when I was 5 years old roughly, he told me I was acting and becoming a queer, square and faerie and I needed to become a man, he taught me to ride a bike, clime a tree (I didn't want to) but told me I had to learn to become a boy and man, if I wanted him to (I don't remember what he did I didn't feel I had a choice) so I climb the tree there are old photos of me in the wonderful old magnolia trees around (before the addition the the driveway and sidewalk improvements before his death, he updated the curb appeal and security of the house)
He didn't like doctors, and hospitals he was born at home in the early 1910?-1920s? Grew up through the great depression as a kid, and told me story's and even taught me history and wanted me to learn and even eat the depression. He didn't cook, was sexist old fashioned. And well non progressive and blah/
On another occasion, HJM as spoken before, a right wing nut job, and regain lover and died in the regain era and saw the end of the cold war, didn't cook, my wonderful aunt (who is refereed to as AM and died at the ripe old age of 93 the first born shortly after the turn of the centrey 1901) who lived wish him though broth and sister, of my grandmother and both retirees of my mother left here and my father to seek a better life because of my dads drunk and pity and loss and fear it would bring to me.
My mother used me, my father and others to keep my dad away (HJM which from 1983 when my mother left California and went back when he sobered up (I was born in 1981) and left food good and became legally separated in 1985. My mother often in early child hood had the behaviors and phobias and insanity of AA and was supposedly unhappy her whole life. (HJM told my father he could visit and he would break the rules any time by my dad never did but HJM died in 1991)
I resent the fact I suppressed my true self, so long I resent the fact, while my folks care they don't understand, I am doing this roughing it though not totally, the cold, effected of sleep, walking, lack of eating and struggling and seeing folks who could have a better life in the system out here get divisibility, live ok, drink and use drugs, party stay in shelters, or those that have good blue shit union jobs do it, to save money and have sex with hot chicks and party.
The people who want help cant get it, I hurt sometimes knowing I did the adult thing, I raised the bottom, I see things and even myself struggle. I donut want the insanity anymore.
I resent my father upon learning my mother had gone over the edge, and upon his visit to clear things up upon my mothers 2nd failer marriage, struggling to rase me, resigned her job as a civil servant for the Public Library system with her masters degree in library science. And even was offered a promotion she trend down for one of the newest and largest branch in the system, her branch eventfully closed it was in a rented buidling small homey, quit and after storms damaged it and people left Jefferson Parish it came to be a bygone, branch just as the other one where she was hired that was in a crime ridden area at the time.
My Father didnt like the fact I told him how ive hurt my whole live, that he was nothing more than a sperm doner, and I did say some nasty things about his wife, I wish I had been rased out here, Ive known I was in the wrong body my whole life and I share some of my pain.
Another thing (HJM) did was he said I needed to become man, by enduring some minor harmless pain, again (I had to do this to get.....) so I figured what the heck? I had to walk across some hot cement by the swimming pool, which also had improvements when the priorly mentioned circle driveway was installed.
HJM did like old fashioned things, I have many happy memories, and some of it came back recently, I had hid away the pain so long, I traveled a lot for work and ate healthy during my wal-mart time in the hotel rooms, but also working 80+ hours a week sometimes with wal-mart sometimes with service, community service commitments or going camping or on a weekend road trip in there Tahoe or my Ford Ranger.
I gave back a lot just as (HJM) did with service, random acts of kindness, helping others, and writing. I helped many stranded motorists with a jump start at various wal-marts. I helped folks on the highway out of gas, changing tires, which with my transition, last time I went to change a tire I had trouble with the big Baja tires on my pick em' truck. They weigh like 25+ lbs uninflated plus 50 lbs of air. It was just awkward lost weight and not in the spirit of things.
Back to (HJM) what triggered this memorize more was, I discuses it in therapist with Melanie morsssion. Was HJM used to go to hardees, in Texas we don't have things, and they don't have much choice for fast food and junk food in san Francisco or California. We are healthy and eco sound. But there was a time hardees had a few locations around Louisiana, ms, and Texas and they still do just faded away along with Jack in the box, and what a burger in LA & MS they still rock in Texas.
Now I mentioned a traveled a bit, and sometimes ate junk food, and well junk food worked kinda, given the insane things I did, and the personal satisfaction of working above and beyond and doing it myself the hard way, but a team player sort of. Carl's Jr, is what they call hardies in California. Even a whopper is fucking small and not like in Texas or the south. And a big mac is smaller.
Hardees makes milkshakes old fashioned, very so, and there were a few other places, even a ice cream shop he used to take me. I dunno, which also In (HJM) shoes HJM during some of my youth didn't have a drivers license but was a safe driver, and didn't drive or like bridges. Back in 1970s when he was a oil supervisor and treasurer of a large oilfield equipment company. He was driving home one night past a few other company plants, Evans cooperage, they clean 55 gal haz mat drums and put them in back in service so they can haul other toxic things, or scrap the metal if they are two old, as well as clean out railroad tankers, and semi tankers hauling nasty toxic waste.
Two plant workers were trying to cross, (HJM) saw them and slowed down not speeding one waited the other wanted to hurry home to his family and darted across, to close to HJMs (big 1970s Cadillac) HJM swerved keep in mind this is a two lane oil field service road with no passing, and no shoulder. The guy doubled back into the path of HJMs car, HJM taught me early on not to double back when crossing the street, over and over again.
Needless to say the guy around X-mass time was killed DOA, the sheriffs office came out, tested HJM for drinking, searched the car, took statements, his friend told the truth and said he told his friend to wait, the guy had 10 kids, and HJM was in the paper in embarrassment, and even family members to this day, HJM was cleared of any wrong doing, because it happened near a bridge, HJM never liked driving on bridges after he applied and took a driving test in 1987 after allots 15 years without driving and didn't like to talk about it.
Its sort of how I feel kinda I had a auto accident, I wasn't drunk or anything I flipped out, the other driver did make a threat toward me, but being the man hater, and person I was at the time, I did what was required of myself. And lashed back. It was weather related.
I also shall state my mother with her 2nd marriage, and substrate lieing asshole, had her arrested, only she knows what truly happened. I question my mother, somewhat But think she was right, people do nasty things, needless to say, the DA choice not to purse her for Attempted murder of a police officer, resiting arrest, Attempted murder of a spouse,
My stepfather wa sin the house getting his things while going through the nasty divorce, he punched her when he could not find something, she had bought a .38 special handgun when she left my dad in 1983 being a single mom leavening a drunk she was afraid. She charred it to work sometimes I know when she worked late (Louisiana had at one time very liberal firearms laws more so than Texas and still has more librarian gun laws in some areas)
she armed her self for her protection, and sat on the sofa as a passivity, he called 911 from a mobile phone keep in mind air time in the mid 1990s was princely and he didn't drive. The police showed up, talked to him, he flashed his paralegal credentials, they called for back up , wore body armor, armed themselves with shotguns, not making any contact with my mother, got flashlights and batons out and stormed the house pointed a gun at my mother asking her if she had a gun, she said yes and they wanted to see it, than she opined it down and attempted to practice safe firearms handling and antechamber it, but she was pistol and shotgun whipped and thrown throw a wall, and beaten so hard the sofa was broken. Than kicked
The DA saw a possible law suit, and the because of the nasty devorse worse than my father, the DA didn't want to go to trail with it, and sided with my mother, who had 15 years service with the same agency that beat her down and later processed her body upon her horrid death being death for a month and half. Also keeping in mind my mother was short, and obese and the cops wheer tall and buff, and a lot cops in this era, also were busted for doing illegal steroids on duty and selling it amongst the department.
Today I took a shower, did laundry, ate good, got lots of Vit C, and have some wonderful sourdough bread to munch on if need be. I check with my divisibility worker, and also did some job hunting over the weekend. I have being humble, and I have a AA service commitment later today, and I am meeting with my sponsor, a womens group is going out and due to my conflict kowning that AA is priority and the other is fun. I must chose the right. (a pun a my LDS past)
I also am humble, faithful and am sorry for bitching out (MLS) last night. I'm going to make it I think, I wonder though sometimes. I cleaned up a bit, and have fear of the unknown.
I also didnt get to talk to MLS about what was important.
I see folks messed up and fellow who I go to meetings with also works around that, I wish others had what I had, being clean and sober. The harm reduction minus rides home around holiday events for drunk drivers and needle exchange. The groups and meetings are far left lib rail propaganda that doesn't work, I did and cleaned up cold turrky, the old fashioned bill will son way, no treatment center, no jail. I did it for me, and had the desire to change.
-Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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