The reality is the feelings I have many feelings at all it just feels right, its not about cross dressing, or temporary its me. All the time, Its agony and angst and virtual torture to pretend. Its who I am, who I always have been. Its just me. Its the reasoning I drank, self-distruct5ed and burned out and went off the depend. 26 out of 23 years of your life being someone you are not will drive you psychotic and strange.
I first found out I wasn't alone, but didn't have the guts to do much about it in late high school years to very young adulthood and my homophobia grew, and destructed.
I dislike the term cross dressing, as much as I find Tran sexual or cross dressing escorts and drag bars and other transsexuals and trans gendered people I don't view it as cross dressing I view it as being myself, which in term drove my to drink, use and abuse pain pills and over the counter medications. And be self-distributive and commit sins toward other trans-folk out of self hatred.
I also find that I disgust others as myself to whom Josephine is uncomfortable but never-the less I used drinking and abused myself to deal with those issues. I have to face my fears and build up confidence. I disgust drag queens, cross dressers as I have no desire to be part of such things, and people fear and misunderstand us and don't get us or fully understand what and who we are. I accept even though I don't want to be part of it (cross dressers or trans genders or drag queens) I am female and a woman, gender and sexuality are different and I have zero desire to be apart of such things and know where I want to go in life.
Its the reason I drank, and in my travels drinking, and pill abuse I discovered saw things, and traveled Texas and other states for roughly a year and saw things I never though I would see, maybe I went though a rebellious self-destructive phase and growth.
I find and don't want to be part of the Trans gender or GLBT community and for years and years had hate homophobia and commutation and balled into work, and that. I am not cross dressing for the purpose of myself I am being and living as myself. Please don't ever use those terms again. Its agony I would rather blow my brains off or kill myself by the means of genetically self-destruction to die happy as my true self. but I will not I signed and will honor that contract that I signed, I went though a male and transsexual bashing phase and destructive drinking and acting out.
I cant resent or disgust myself or own kind, I cant hate or breed self-destruction or action. Its wrong, I need to accept things the way they are even past actions and choices, and move on. I need to let go, don't panic and pray and meditate without pumping my body through of harmful drugs or poisons.
I need to run forward and look ahead rather than full of resentment, of sins against the GLBT community myself, others, or resentments for the past, I need to let go live and be myself and live, grow and prosper.
Please don't ever ask me to use the term cross dressing again I find it repulsive. Because thats not what I do, I do just whats right for who I am inside, to whom form 21 of my 26 years on earth denied my true-self, though over achieving, buying happiness and religion and conversion to the latter day saint faith to cure who I am, what I was thought was wrong.
Which Incidentally back home and xxx stores on GLBT business or bars or clubs, get closed down by the sheriff when they cant afford to bribe the vice and obscenity and sodimey laws the sheriff yanks their tax license and liqueur license effectively shutting them down and knocking the fagots out of business as has been spoken the same way he speaks of niggers. Etc.
Thats why I bottled it up so long, upbringing. Eventually I almost killed myself and drove myself crazy.
I am honest and Need to love and face my fears But I honor this homework
--Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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