personal self-discovery

The Untold story

By Lee McInnis Gaetjens

October 25, 2007

My untold story is as follows, I have a lot of pain, I dont like to admit defeat. My issues with my transgender feelings and accepting the disgust of the way and wrongs I have done others. The truth of myself. I am remebering pain, and suffering I did out of self-destructive choices, actions, and inaction's, and paranoia and hanging around places, people I had no legitimate business.

I am semi-reluctant to put pen and word to paper. I remember with my photographic memory, intellect and good social engineering and manlipitive skills, and blending in. Bad things I did in vivid detail to others, I don't want to put a lot to paper out of fear of legal repcussions.

I know I am transgender, I know I drank over 10,000+ worth of beer, wine and mixed drinks. I remember why i drank, to avoid dealing with reality, the abuse I had at the workplace, my religious, and the pain and suffering I saw in myself, others and along the gulf coast, region. Do deal with my racism issues, hate and fear of black males, and some Hispanic males, and males in general.

I remember others tried to help, I pushed them away, I remember where I got drunk the 1^st time in my life, I remember the pair of jeans which I wear often which I took my first and last drink in. I remember always wanting something exciting and drama.

I remember being dishonest not as in stealing but socially, I remember occasionally running into church members, or acquaintances when drinking and consuming beverages in the montrose area. I remember the paranoia and encouraging abuse, when I could no longer find abuse, I had law enforcement, security guards, and looked for trouble on the streets of Houston.

I remember finding trouble, and meeting the right person, and was similar to a jackie brown briefly, I remember working as an enforcer for illegal activities at after hours night clubs, illegal gambling establishments, and intimidating, and torturing males remember being able to but I chose not to, have people killed for me during this period.

I remember during this period having at times crisp 100s and 20 dollar bills and often having 1000 to 5000 cash on my person on a daily basis. And moving large quainitys of money around town, breaking legs for bookies and loan sharks, and having 2 males with me as help, and I enjoyed and was very good at toruting and getting people to talk, but I never killed anyone but i suspected the other two had.

I remember slashing someone's tires, vandalism someone's radiator hose, smashing the windows, bugging a house, installing a phone tap, hacking into a website, and setting treating e-mails, commutations, phone calls, and harassment, stalking, and intimation, and installing a gps tracking devise into someone's personal auto, breaking into rooftops.

Everything that I was not because I wanted to die, or go to prison because of my transsexual issues, I could not face the pain, someone whom I hurt badly who took up for me, I felt portrayed by, I did some of the things above to this person and a few others, I also went after another person with the same baseball bat that I got beat up with,but the only difference is I never hurt her. I knew she cared subconscialy even though the booze was speaking otherwise.

I ocasionly also bag handled large qaunitys of drugs, dropped off drugs at drop points where they get smuggled into the county jail and also the state prison system. I am remembering painful things, That I suppressed for a very, very long time.

I also remember a few antiques shops that are fronts for stolen property, and also other places that are used for laundering money, Laundromats, convince stores, gas stations, nightclubs, bars, restraunts, etc.

I also remember I wanted to die, I tried to kill myself 2 times, I remember why I did, I had to much going on at the time, I had my church, I missed my family, hurt that they don't understand or believe in my transgender issues, or aa or drinking or believe that such things exist.

I had the stealing going on at work, I had the abuse, I came to like the abuse, I felt portrayed at my job, family, and other people. I had trouble commutating my issues, I even became a skin-head briefly during my time. I am also figuring out parts of my family hipocricy.

My aunt in Oakland, CA is a lesbian my father told me. I have figured out suppressed memories in my inner and extended hipiocracy, I had an great aunt (allice mcauliffe) and great uncle (Hugh Judge McAuiliffe) whom I have written about before who never married.

I remember one of my first times drinking alone and something bad that happened to myself, I remember being taken advantage of not watching my drink, being forced to withdraw cash, in a bar I find disgusting and soon gladly will be closing My transsexual neighbor whom I disgust hangs in there to pickup business whom has been missing for almost a week now. And I am becoming very worried about, I last saw her a week ago, walking the streets near westhi8emer and taft.

When I can not sleep, I urn and have learned and discovered more about myself. I need rest I need to be in bed early, I need to take care of myself, and do what's right and corrent for me. I need to start working, I have to be selfish to aqurie what is right for me and me alone. I know where I want to go, I know that transition is for me, with out a doubt. I know I was happier not just due to the drinking but when I lived and traveled as myself for a year even when I did not drink. I know I am a good, kind, caring person. But transiotn is hard and I intend as they speak of in the beginning to go to any leights other than drinking, drugs or the sex trade or trafficking to archive my goals though honest, legal means I know it is a rough bumpy road, but it is hard to reach it, but I have to be selfish to be who and what it is for me.

I remember much about myself, the past and life along. I remember bad choices, after more and more bad choices and being selfish to others, and burning out my brain with drinking and drugs. And poor choices..

I know I want to be honest, and get the help I require, and desire. I know I want to let go of the past, quit spinning round and round like a record. I know I want to let go of past transgressions and hope some can forgive me. I know I want to get better. I know life is unknown but the alaterive of not transitioning, and gender reassignment and continuing hormones and doing things right and remaining sober is suicide and death, and I have chosen life and enlightenment for growth.

I am scared yes, I don't want to go the path, but I know I must. I hit and muster near bottom and want to grow more and more and continue to find faith, I don't like the fact that people are afraid of me or the drunk me, or the me that is unstable like a time-bomb or bad me. I don't like that me, I am afraid to let go of that old, nasty, hateful over-judgmental, selfish, impulsive, dishonest, person because that's how I learned to accept myself.

I am in much agony not living as myself, but I am in much agony learning to function in soberity. I am sacred and alone, and while not to bitch about what I did to myself, I must be totally honest, loyal and continue to grow into enlightenment of myself and sprout the seed, for everything is easier to get into than out of.

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Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)