my bitch switch is off

10/30/07

Today I found out that GCE went nuts after well talkingt to me, and the little games, and well made some bad choices. And is in a deep shit hole, also I suspect given my latest post that domestic spying my harsh blog sometimes criiszing the us government and the iraq war, edna and other not bush shit causes. That I might have sparked intrest of domestic spying given my prior server log posts, and a few odd phone calls and converstations.

In other news, I started just pondering the atty never returned my two calls, I got some more spam from this person I do not wish to speak to basicly actist bull shit. That I dont have time with.

In other news, I got a lovely card, forgave the dickhead given the following rant, and the restraunt screwed up my order for lunch, I picked up a cheap takeout order today, but very filling.

10/30/07

I bitched out some fag today, behind the coffee bar at lamba. Understood how painful this matter I am dealing with which I choose not to share at the present given its a personal matter, finacial matter amd other issues which I do not wish to share with others. Contrary to popular belif, I dont share everything in my blog, sometimes I change names, remove names, or alter bits or use nicknames that only I know to protect peoples anonmity. But any photos I take or bits I use in my life, or is hear is open for blogging but I do anonmise at times.

Any way I feel badly, and Know how Bad I just need to get this over with, I go to other meetings, and mingle, and work over time to restore sanity to my life more. I AWOKE at 3am this morning got ready went running, and jogging to deal with the pain, though not very far or for very long. But is is necessary to keep sanity, was out the door before 6am and feel very or at least achived one day at the time.

Made a few phone calls, and took care of matters which Need to be done, and did some e-mails checked out the love machine when I was grumpy I should have known the pressure was building I might go to a candlelight meeting or a meeting someplace, new and bring order to my chos and disorder, Rice radio today is jamming great to old club, bar and dance songs great spooky 80s songs, and gothic, industiral, punk, synthpop, and expermental and electronic music. I also visted a chapel today and did some praying pondering and medation and just exisited. I compsed this in a park for inner peace and zen.

I also discovered more and more about myself and learned not to be so damanding, excentric and even though my narsisim is at a all time high, and high on myself. I dont want to mingle, maybe I like being a bitch, maybe I want something more or think I am better than everyone else, maybe I like to show off, maybe I just am so emo, and stuck up I think I desreve better or want what I had and want it now, not tommorow, or one day at time. Maybe instead of going back and being a bitch further to this person I am sorting it out and my admission of fault and making peace before I do it. I know I need to sort things out today, and let time. But I must promptly admit my wrong. And fault and defect. Maybe this is who I am, and I dont like it. But I am alive, I have a nice truck a roof over my head, and a few plant tours, and informal interviews upcoming and Im still working on the task at hand, tommorow will be rough given the insanity and drunks and partys around and about.

Maybe I am hurting because I feel like I failed someone even though I still care about this person, its not right. And I have to draw further bounderies, and cant get caught up in her shit. Maybe I have to respect boundries I dont want to., and maybe I bitched at john because I had something bad happen that I fucked up on right before I walked in the door, and was bitchy about and he bitched about a fucking diet coke, maybe even in restraunts and service, I need to be less ecentric and damanding and more collected and calm and less well judgemental in the force field wall and shield up of hurting or misunderstanding.

I made a big deal about a fucking diet coke for christ sake, and now I have to ponder on this. Blah. Thats being a bitch about nothing, bitch about the fucking pot holes, the crack heads that are around, the fucked up system here in harris county.

Thats what corin and I talked about red tape, buracray and the fucked up system for those who try to make it, bitch about the over-jellious blind guy, that suckers people, bitch about the wild fires in califromina, the high property taxs, the distrcution of historic buildings, the lack of edna, the shit we are in now as a country, the division and worngs and injustices we have found our self a country close to anarchy, povery and debit selling outsourceing and the privatiazaion of war, which even though as much as I want to be a part of, I am not but wish I was given the money invloved.

And I have more diffcultyu dramma and chos to deal with shortly when My call is returned, one day at a time little by little I progress into sanity, faith, progress and zen.

mlgaetjens2038: HI
: yo

mlgaetjens2038: hey

: kicking ass at research today

mlgaetjens2038: ah

mlgaetjens2038: i figured something was up

mlgaetjens2038: I dont want to push

mlgaetjens2038: Im struggleing lately

: so am i, crying daily due to stress/assignment/social demands

mlgaetjens2038: Im just lonely, tired of this, and trying to get things right. and hurting due to the hollidays

mlgaetjens2038: yeah me too, obviously i wasted a lot of money, my life may be all beauty but I dont eat sometimes for days or other things

mlgaetjens2038: blah

mlgaetjens2038: I understand

mlgaetjens2038: i think

mlgaetjens2038: and Im hurting because I remeber how wrong I was, but I cant have any contact because I would hurt others

: anyhow back to work

mlgaetjens2038: so Ive sort of droped into the shadows

mlgaetjens2038: even lilly gave up and others. Ill tell you what I probbley wont make it alive to next year

mlgaetjens2038: Id rather die than drink again, in brual honesty

mlgaetjens2038: tghough I have had a sort of productive week

mlgaetjens2038: anyway do you thing

mlgaetjens2038: later

marskitt3n: seriously, drinking sucks, especially when it costs $10-15 to get a drink worth tasting that won't make u sick the next morn

mlgaetjens2038: yeah

mlgaetjens2038: i used to drink draft beer, and vokia

mlgaetjens2038: and go to partys to get top shelf stuff

mlgaetjens2038: with open bars, ive even been baned form palces bacuase off my drinking or loud mouth, obviously I dont take crap from people anymore

mlgaetjens2038: i tell them off but stay within the law

: right, later

mlgaetjens2038: yeah

mlgaetjens2038: i know it does look will you do me a fovor

mlgaetjens2038: favor

mlgaetjens2038: i understand if you dont want to
: i'm totally fucked for anything until the dec 7
: g/f doesn't get time, neither will you unless its just me talking

mlgaetjens2038: will you discreatly hint to chris about maybe openin dilect long term to allowing me back - and I understand if you dont want to be in my shit

mlgaetjens2038: I have a lot going on also untill after dec . jan feb 2008

mlgaetjens2038: I go to meetings but less often, and I am rembering very detailed bad things I did, and nasty things I did to christan, lilly, and others after 3 months or so im allmost at 4 you remeber very deetailed

: i've not seen chris since the charity even in sept

mlgaetjens2038: I dindt deserve what was done to me, but honestly dont think Ill ever get justice, becuase of my wrap sheet, Ive quit going to events, socials, or any7 plotcal or candlelight and laid back from lamba more due to well remering people from out nad about, and keeping a lower profile which houston is a big city but like a small town.

mlgaetjens2038: Im in no hury

mlgaetjens2038: hurry I need time to work on my shit also

mlgaetjens2038: I was going to call chris boess afew times, but rembered something bad I did to someone else near her workplace

: you realize it would be alot quicker, more direct and saner just to e-mail right/

mlgaetjens2038: very vividlty when I was drinking and partying. and could not handle it, I was going to open dilect but not go on propety and try and well discuss. I get no responce. nothing except that my eamils are being fowarded to law enfrocment and to stop so I have

mlgaetjens2038: now from lilly and others

mlgaetjens2038: whats the fucking point

mlgaetjens2038: I dont have any community or understranding
: fuck it, try - a good life motto

mlgaetjens2038: anyway, I was wrong. and even chris in her own blog, wahsed her hands from me

mlgaetjens2038: Look the point is if I do kill myself, Im going to do it in a manner which i WILL get a lot of fame but I wont hurt anyone else it just will be notable

mlgaetjens2038: inor will i destory any property or harm others or scare or terrosie others

mlgaetjens2038: it will just be notable

: or how about you don't

mlgaetjens2038: Ive given up on finding work, and myself. I really dont want to. honestly

mlgaetjens2038: but if it comes to my life going further down, with debit, fiances, or being on the streets rather than ask someone who doesnt even comfirm my existince like I am garbage andf not a person or go back to jail or prison, and given my long record with HPD mostly petrty things, patriot act, disorderly contdut, and many repaors and complaints, they could fuck me up or set me up on the streets so yes death is a better answer than becomeing homeless garbage that hpd and metro likes to fuck with

mlgaetjens2038: I really dont want to though honestly

: right whatever, working

mlgaetjens2038: If it comes to it I hope I could run

mlgaetjens2038: will you at least explore than option when You are able

mlgaetjens2038: if you dont want to Im not going to terroise you or further cause harm

mlgaetjens2038: Im just asking

: no seriously big paper deal, i can talk but not at length remember? back to work

mlgaetjens2038: my life my seem fine and dandy and emo, but honestlty its not. and I do want to be honest just not publicly

mlgaetjens2038: yeah later bye ttyl

k

Basicly the bitch switch is OFF.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)