Ive accepted the fact. I am no longer welcome in Houston. I mean folks like me and I'm welcome in peace. Its just memories over the past two years are hitting me like a ton of bricks, I broke down in tears before a meeting last night. Some folks at primary purpose were really nice to me rather than the fagot bullshit at lambda.
I've had writers block as of late for a project I'm working on and essays and politics. And even poetry I have goals to work toward, and to re-build manage billy to my personal life and grow more and more. I have so much to do as of late. And never enough time.
I miss my mother today and more so tomorrow as of late Ive been listening to more peaceful music, classical, jazz and some country. I just miss my mom so much, and hurt so much some of the songs Ive been listening to are from her list visit to Houston, she left it heart break before she was discovered died on September 25, 2001 and found her October 13, 2001. I miss my mom often maybe she kept me alive.
Ive been thinking forward and progressive to meeting with my dad, and what to do and be with my dad and get to know someone also marti also. I hurt badly for bad things I did but can't resent it. Ive accepted the reality Ill never be forgiven for what I did to someone, and she offered to make amends. And I ran away sacred. I'm jittery and well just jittery. Its something I cant deal with and it burns in my soul. I just want to make things right and be welcome but the truth is I can;t do it. And so I sit away, and accept the fact even if and when I am able, I don't want to have any part in christens life to avoid causing others and myself further pain. I do want to but cant avoid to hurt any more people. I know its not good to isolate and lock myself in the room but The pain is so bad. And I'm remembering wrongs to others, and somethings Haven t come back yet but clarity is very much set in.
even my neighbor notices, I don't care for such things. I went to a meeting last night and honestly might even bring her something on Christmas eve or thanksgiving. And bring her that coke I never bring when I go to memorial city eventfully to cost co and the other whole sale place on the east end distributer.
I visited someone else more recent. And I just am so insecure and fragile and well not as fit as I used to be and it scares me, or something. Ive abused my body so much, I want to be loved, but I am afraid to reach out the door. I just feel so sad, I don't know why. But I'm coping. My therapist said spending nights, or days on roof tops not at all Is a good, thing I'm a very spiritually strong person, and maybe the pity and progress are flip flopping in withdrawal.
I frowardness to miles and miles of i-10 west and I-5 northbound in a cold though NM, and AZ into CA though LA (quickly) a city I do not want to live its just another Houston. Even though I am pro firearm. I like the fact of the bay area city's progressive views simulate to NYC. I don't want to fight fights anymore. I just want to be peaceful and seine, I turn 27 in 3 months, and It hurts that I cant find peace or much joy in what I need to do.
I cooked another veggy wrap this morning and had a humans salad out today, and ate pretty healthy after coming close to eating some chicken today but I abstained from doing such foolish actions. I want just peace, I met someone that was kind to me and hopefully we can meet soon this weekend.
I don't want to pick up my 3 month chip tomorrow but I must for my ego. I found peace with something else, people I dislike maybe I don't want to hear or absorb reality or the truth and want to just be unrealistic in my-life or self.
Ive been dreaming of camping or being in touch with nature more, I had a dream last night of well driving along the pacific coast highway from LA to SFX in a mini cooper convertible. I love the open air feeling of the wind blowing in my hair
--Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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