Who is Me?
I am someone who is insecure with herself, who struggles to find her self and accept her self in sobriety. I struggle for the first time in my life un-certain of what to do, that I am physically and mentally able and of the mindset to handle and struggle to find inner peace with myself.
I struggle to accept things, let go of the past. I find that I know I am transsexual but hate others like my self. I struggle to accept and be rational about myself.
I feel at odds, I don't like people and went though a terroristic mad at the word, man hater due to the abuse, and self-abuse and mistreatment at the workplace and drinking. Took peoples advice as hostile and over-judgemental and even became somewhat of a vigilante. But I let go.
I am someone kind, charitable, honest loyal, would give my life to save another, like helping people, but I don't like to ask others for help. I have trouble and self-esteem issues do to abuse, and don't like asking or allowing others in my life due to being abused a lot. But I am a fighter (in spirit) and willing to go to whatever weighings inside my values, beliefs and morality and not disgrace myself, body or soul any more, with abusing others, myself, or being self-distributive.
I like the outdoors, adventure, camping, But also like cooking ,gardening, and power tools. I like helping others, church, faith, doing good deeds, being a angel on the freeway. Giving to charity with my time, and money and service work.
I have a heart and would give my physcal possitons things or give away to help others, I like to spend at home and read but like to be out and about given I like to be active in the community and enjoy camping, and learning and have a curiousity about the world about me.
I face those who don't understand, the folks who don't understand me, the folks I hurt with my drinking, and self-destructive actions. I am a spirituality strong person, I really hurt and struggle with explaining gender and transexuality to those who don't get it, or those who don't understand it. I am slowly with 90 days of clarity of life.
I know I accept myself, I know who I am, I know I am female, and transsexual, but my fears, insecurity and resentments and the Mormon thing, and family led to years of resentments. And insecurely. I know I will probably always be alone, my life is rought. But I know what direction I wish to grow and progress into. I know where I want to go today, and know Id rather be sober and I being selfish to myself now am stuck going to meetings till the day I die.
I know I want meaning in life, in work, education, and don't like being idle, and want to be active. I don't like being at home much due to being lonely. I have a likening to coffee shops and conversation and being social and things of that nature.
I like giving to others, but have trouble being close to others or building friendships or keeping them I either destroy myself. Or hurt myself, or hurt others or withdraw. Meaning why I don't keep a tv at home or Internet as those are time watchers.
I have grown into who I am, but feel 90% of people don't understand me or what makes me tick but rather than try to explain or inform trans gender issues, I withdraw into depression, homophobia, or drinking which is no longer an Option I broke free. I abused my body and have been abused, so fitness and healthy living has become one of my largest goals, running and doing chores or work which is physically demanding is very important to me to stay in shape.
I know I like myself, I know I want myself, I know I am a fighter, but the garbage I see and folks who do the drag show thing disgust me. And just get tied off seeing many lost into the cesspool of drinking, prostitution and prison and crime. I broke free but don't know why. But I just grew tired of the bull shit drama.
I want to help people, travel to places, write inform people about the world. I like being mobile as I never though I would have. I learn not to take others stereotypes and over-judgmental feelings as a resentment but to try and inform those who don't know much about the differences of gender identity and sexual ordination, and develop and teach as a missionary of sorts, a missionary of love, peace and information rather than mis-information.
Knowledge and spiritual, and interpersonal growth is key. Key to love, life and self-growth in yourself. I know who I am. And accepted it not because of others but for me. I wasn't ready some lie to them selves, and I hate or rather more politically correct dislike folks who are not true to themselves. I did it for years and years and years. And sometimes have resentments or things which is very dangerous. Some people never come outside the box and remain a square all of their life.
I also want to mention that I have seen enough death, dieing and dramma. And while I feed of negativeity maybe with my messed up so called childhood where everything is supposed to be enjoyable. That I miss it I have trouble fiting in and living.
I love life, and myself and wish the Latter Day Saint church would allow me to break free and grow and prosper into myself and evolve beyond the box, or ex-commucate me or remove my name for the records, I am a very tough person when I have to be but I dislike doing and fighting battles by not minding my own business, not speaking up and allowing things to get bad, or enjoy and feed of my own pain and inner suffering.
I love my aunt Darline and the talleys, but they think I am a pervert and another reason I will never remain home, why would you want to be a female, how can you be born a male transition to female, yet like other females it must be a sex thing. They don't get the differences and Houston was my choice as I prior mentioned inner city was more progressive than outside. I miss living in my old west chase apartment but don't like the neighborhood, crime and rising traffic like being able to walk here, while I love cars and the open road and outdoors. I don't like traffic anymore or being an extrema commuter.
I also dislike and have a lot of phobia or males, large packs of males that may or may not be unassuming or accepting, and black and has panic males due to those were largely black males and some has panics who abused me physical and emotionally at work and growing up I was tormented by black males and well you get the drift.
I fear letting go and being sober But I made ,it I deiced I must stay sober for not being such hurts me and destroys myself, my life and just sends things to hell. I have grown and found some insecurity's in myself but also it hurts for poor things I did to other people out of self-destructive actions, or making a bad substitution worse by being a drama queen which I have no desire to be anymore
But when working on therapy, employment, taxes and other issues I have allowed my life to fall into almost the gutter of unmanageably and death, with dishonesty, loyalty, drinking, and near suicide and being naughty.
While being life is not all fun and games. I have found nothing power, and ego while I enjoy it is not the most disreputable and most are under constant stress and scrutiny and drink or kill themselves with overdose or further destruction.
I find I want somethings which the church wanted or could have given me even my trucking and diving into work, family, someone I care about, adventure of the open road, travel for work, fitness, physically demanding field work. Or might want a office deal, but in my spare time and on the weekends my camping trips.
I still often sometimes sleeping dream of my Baja fooling camper in the back of my pickup truck often as do I dream of living in Montana or Wyoming in retirement in a pop up rv or truck camper and a big boat and large disel 4x4 pickup truck in Canada and Alaska as well. I love high altitude and rural America and the snow, and ice I grow tired and disgusted with the city. And often wonder if my dream will ever be reachable but don't want to do that alone.
I admit my life and ego rules around me and I can be rude, obnoxious, over-judgmental, and selfish and have trouble shearing, being honest and being with others, and often I judge and stereotype other people rather than learn about them.
I find more and more about myself, I find I love my more insubstantial, electronic, and obscure music. But country, jazz., and classical relaxes me and reminds me off my mother. And as is running is very important to my sobriety. I feel before leaving Houston as I often speak I need to work on myself or my problems will follow me which is very bad due to the fact I'm almost gasp 30 years old I feel old, I milestone and while I progressed more in some areas, I allmsot sank down the tubes in others.
I also have discovered that I have issues with my self I have grown more into someone or something or somewhat of an obscurity and self-well confusion and misinformation. I find I burned out a lot of brains, knowledge with my drinking and self-distributive actions. Positive thoughts bring positive results, what I eat affects how I feel. And what I do and how I treat myself, or allow into myself writhe its media, music or popular culture affects my over all implementor.
I find I need to do what I must do for me and no one else to obtain enlightenment, and the search for knowledge is very real and urgent to the task and had to get better not to pump my body with poison, medication or more drugs to serve ego, and self comfort and inner- personal growth and enlightenment. And find myself.
I may find something else.
--Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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