Monday, January 12, 2009

I don’t often blog about things, or feelings or true emotions, I view emotions as a obstacle to life, people come and go and are expendable in my world, it’s not that I’m selfish or controlling or even dominating, it’s just I don’t allow myself to become attached to any people, person or place or thing.

It’s that My selfishness, and inner struggle and anger are a emotional obstacle, it’s not that I deny being Transsexual, or female for matter or are un-sure about it, it’s about the pain of de-transitioning, the suffering of myself, and the fact is I am sure of who I am, it’s just others prejudiced, the time and other flats, but having experienced de transition, I know it will make me more chronicle depressed.

In the movie Death Proof which by the way is filmed in one of my favorite Texas towns, only surpassed by Houston, and Dallas is third, but also having a love for rural east Texas. Kurt Russell makes a quote that he doesn’t drink because “alcohol is a lubricant you have women, beer, sex, and music in the bar” before he starts his murderous psychopathic rampage.

The Point is my suffering to Transition, outside de-transition and Vikki, beer, and red wine withhold my pain. I don’t go out and generally dislike the drunken cesspool of church street and Castro street and the mission at night, not to say I haven’t been in a queer, or dyke bar, but I’ve been maybe three times séance in san Francisco for over a year.

Moreover I notate that I do on brief but rare occasion in my various morning meditation spots such as Delores Park, Ocian Beach, Baker Beach, Golden Gate Park, uc Berkeley campus. I find that I do on occasion concider de-transiton but also know it would, hurt me and I do not feel I can go throough that again.

My suicidal feelings and depression is around the through of giving up and admitting defeat in transitioning, which I won’t do, a lot of my life, I had the bricks laid out for me, I almost married a few times, I was a Latter Day Saint, I watched my life and world collapse in Houston, Texas which I miss the Cajun food and culture, redneck towns, ranches, the Houston Rodeo, The Astros, The Texans, The Rockets.

I miss Montrose more also; My blood and baby steps toward finding myself, and drying up and my blood and sorrows were shed there. In various watering holes, churches, restraints, and instructions and even rooftops in the area, and also various utility condors on the far west and south west, and north west harries county.

I hurt because of that, I am ashamed of how I behaved and acted. I am ashamed of things I did both known, and unknown. I feel poorly, but I worked with my sponsor on these things, I am on step 2 again, and working hard, and these feelings shall pass.

I admit I have a crush on someone a guy, whos very straight, but I suspect might be a closeted case of attractions to trans-women. I feel “peer pressure” keeps him away from me. That’s a confessional, and he shall remain anonymous.

I also flirted with someone this week and was rejected, blab love stinks.

Nevertheless, I have an appointment this morning; I got up about 2 am pacific time, and had a rough weekend. I also saw a coyote near the San Francisco Cal-Train Depot while awaiting the N owl at 3:30 am. Than later this morning
, I saw a fight break out on the 91 OWL which was very well bad, SFPD got there quick, I saw one of the officers I flirt with a few occasions when I witnessed a botched robbery, and a traffic stop and that took a report from me when a guy tried to rob me inside the Jack-In-the Box at 4th and Mission at 4am back in fall 2008, and damaged my Motorola Razor, in addition that location is no longer open 24 hours due to that event.
I also had a dream last night of a motorcycle and riding through Big Sur, and through death valley and up to lake Tahoe, one of the nutty women I live with, my anger toward her drinking and disruptiveness, boiled over, and I took action and another person gave the varying assertive role and it seemed to and hopefully got better, I got a decent night oof sleep.

Perhaps my own anger, social awkwardness, and resentment is part of fear of being hurt, but the only thing to fear is fear itself, and I broke free. Alternatively, am breaking free.

Maybe my problem is being to overly displayed and seeking others self-seeking approval. Maybe I should do more for me. And start to live my life on my lifes terms.
I have shit to do today, and have a very busy week ahead.
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
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