Tuesday, January 13, 2009

I Thought I’d take a chance today on my blog and share something alas a bit personal about myself, as well as let some enlightenment get out the closet.
I’m selfish, I am picky, I have utterly high standards. I am careful whom I associate with, I am careful of the company I remain in. Its nothing personal, I don’t think Im better than you, even if I aspire to become such.


My sponsor, whom shall remain anonymous, but is on my face book page, and wont share much more than that.

Has something in common, he grew up in Houston, He knows someone I am face book friends and that still will speak to me I suppose one of the Big LGBT Leaders in Houston, one who has witnessed me drunk and crashing a few events including a infamous blackout I don’t 100% remember in 2006, where I crashed some sort of event.

But today is a day of major achievement, between 2005-2007 I thought I was doomed, I gave up, I was angry, I honestly thought Id be jumping off a rooftop in Houston, which I spent many nights in parking garages, afterhours night clubs, and on rooftops, and utility corridors in my 4x4 truck out of depression.
I convey to my sponsor that I miss Houston, He even suggested that I maybe visit my uncle. Nevertheless, he is correct, just I need to have my shit in order to do such and now is not the time. I also conveyed that in my sobriety, I am in misery. I mean I have a few contents and friends in Montrose, and even Baytown and other parts of the USA.

My father’s displeasure with my arrival in San Francisco is understandable, I have some amends to make with him much as I do, and I understand if he never forgives me, I have remembered portal of my blackouts with Martin Clark Gaetjens and Christen & Lilly as well, what the hell can I say, I moved on with my life?
However, my selfishness, overlooks what I have going for me, I am in the proper place for the moment.

I remember once a utility corridor in far southwest Houston, near 59 and the sw beltway I was tailgating drinking bud light, hopeless, alone listening to Ministry, and Depeche Mode smoking American spirit. Thinking that I was doomed to death and was crying with loaded shotgun. Which I spent a lot of times like that or sitting on a ledge of a parking garage or a rooftop of a commercial building in west Houston or the galleria area. I felt I was doomed at times.

I continue to bear witness to things I do not like seeing, places I don’t like to be. I saw more recently a friend and foe (formerly) dive down into addiction, I am watching another trying to pull herself out and has even merged as an aspiring leader of the TG community here.

I feel closer than ever to my mother when she moved to the San Francisco Bay Area in 1971, from New Orleans. I feel in some way also I am walking in my father’s footsteps in San Francisco & Berkeley as He did from New York City in 1970.
I understand my mothers insanity from when I was younger, I have had suppressed memories from my early childhood of age 2 or 3. I feel closer than ever to my parents. Even if My father is not in my life, and I lost my mother at age 20 in 2001.

I have failed in some areas of my life, but have grown and are growing in other areas. I’ve cut out something’s, and are growing in other places.

Maybe I’m overlooking some things, I have of late cut back my meetings to work on some spirituality and personal study. And am becoming more set in my ways and like a hermit much as my mother was most of her life.

I just vow not to hit so low and die and become alone. I don’t quite understand things that much, but I am learning that the right and proper path and life is not a Disneyland sister.
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger