Thursday, January 15, 2009

Furthermore, I continue to grow as an individual and have a few issues I need to confront before I walk right out the door

I have more recently understood my cause of depression. I hurt for my regrets shame and more importantly resentment toward various individuals such as myself, individuals in Texas, Louisiana, family, my father and others

I am going to tell my therapist today about how I feel and hurt the suffering of my soul, The Fact was I understand my pain, and suffering in my heart, and soul, I cope with it more or less these days. It is just that the day might come when rather than performing a radical event, or acting my resentments toward other individuals.

The way I will likely die before my 30th birthday will be alone, problem on a camping trip alone, in my truck or jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge, with my best poker face on, and dropping letters to friends, family and loved ones off on the way on a Sunday or 3 or 4 day holiday weekend. Due to the lack of mail service, it would be very successful in my endeavors, and during a hard January storm or season, would be equality beneficial due to the impairment of the United States coasty guard of launching a rescue.

But that’s fucking Disneyland I suppose, These days I doubt my death, or even vigilantism is much enter for, I don’t go out to the marina, or the presidio much due to the depressing nature of it.
The point is I struggle to feel alive inside, Its not the lack of entry or motivation, its more the worthless self-image of myself, and just not that I don’t have people that care about me, love me, or wish the best for me. Its that I don’t love myself, I mean I take care of myself out of necessity, but I don’t get it, Life.

I deeply miss Texas, and even more so Mississippi, Louisiana, and especially Galveston Island, Houston, karma, Crystal Beach, Corpses Christy, Austin, Dallas, Jasper, Tomball, Spring Branch, Katy, Cypress, Sealy, Luckkenback, etc.

I suppose, I feel just lost, I am unhappy, I miss feeling like I fit in, I miss feeling part of like I belong, I miss feeling like I have a home, a family, people who understand me. I don’t feel people get my complex nature. I also feel Im not going to live to 30, I thought that at 25,26,27,28.

I remember once in a utility corridor I attempted to commit suicide by carbon Monoxide poisoning in rural west Houston, I failed due to hitting the “auto down” of the driver’s side window on my ford truck. I remember another time, I sat in a rooftop pondering jumping in river oaks on many nights a few parking garages I pondered if I was alive or just a bag of bones, another time playing Russian Rolette alone I bent the firing pin, and was lucky.

I understand individuals such as the investment banker who hit a dark place, which by the grace of my own personal god or lacking of my understanding, I have been there, you go nuts. You have shame; I have some faith, and also had the life experience that death or the closeness of it is not very fun. I almost got myself killed that fateful January a few years ago.

Anyway, today I have an appointment with my therapist, and my shrink. I also have an upcoming doctor’s appointment. I have laundry to do soon in a few days. I also worked a few hours for one of my clients. I added a few lines of code to my site. I also am defragging and optimizing my computer today, which it very badly needs.

I fixed my mp3 player and digital cam, I also am in love with my pocket pc I can compose my blog entrees and other items with office mobile and sync them to my computer for posting and even have a program that I can write code for my website while on Bart or main, ac transit, or the cal train.

The idiots in my birthplace of Oakland rioted and selfishly destroyed other individuals property, I love Oakland and Berkeley its more sane than the city, but threes things I like more about the city in some ways as well. They also don’t tolerate the bullshit that far left labial nut jobs put up with in the city.
Saw the Cop I like writing a ticket this morning, I also had coffee at orphan Andy’s and wrote code on my AT&T Tilt, I also got Skype working on my Smartphone to make calls, My other number I might try to roll over from metro pcs to boost with the new national unlimited plan perhaps anyway, but regardless Im going to keep my 713 AT&T number at least for the forceeablle future.


I duno its just another day. I think im going to do more walking soon.





"Born Californian, Raised Cajun (With Gravy & Lagniappe), Came Out Texan"
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