Anyway I have lost my sponsor due to my demanding selfishness and self center ness. I try to get sleep had another encounter and ass kicking with some of Houston's Finest more recently. I grow tired, I want to make amends and stay sober. I try to educate and inform. My old timer acquaintance whom convinced me to give it another shot.
Some new comers are starting to piss me off. God if I get old and gray I hope I don't turn into a little old grumpy bitch. I attached a 1st draft which I will try and condense of a letter and plan of action I will take to try and make amends, I am tried of the bullshit trying to cut through red tape to get the help I need. I must remain focused to archive happiness and zen, went to two meetings today.
I am grateful for today I am not drinking in between meetings like some people, people who fucking bitch in and out of aa, are starting to piss me the fuck off. Some days I want to rip the repeat new comers throat out, to tell them to get the fuck out when they are ready. Now I know how some feel and my sponsor feels.
Some dickhead, keeps calling, and that relationship needs to end and be termantied it was a bad idea. I also have been viewing ads, and lonely due to the holidays amongst drinking season. I talked to someone today in honesty have homework, housework and amends and a task for therapy on Monday.
If I have to geographically change to get or try and get the help I need my priority in life are as follows
staying sober
transtition – trangender issues
education & employment
as they say all else is gravy baby.
Anyway here is a 1st letter I attached which I will allow my therpist to open the door or try to. As well as myself, as diffcult and stubborn and as much as a bitch I am I am willing to admit fault, defeat and be submissive something I fucking hate not being in control I am a cold hearted bitch.
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
John Koppen
1710 west 25th street
Houston, Texas 77008
Dear John Koeppen,
I am writing this letter not for pity, but brutal honesty. The reality is I have done wrong things in the past 2 years, and humbly as you to over look past transgressions. I have made great strides in the past year. I have been sober seine Friday July 13,th 2007 after leaving my old apartment and putting things in the past before paying my debit to society earlier this year.
I want to be honest and open, I need help, I have been rejected for help, and not treated with respect and dignity, I have made the honest choice that if I am not ammenedable, I am willing to go to any means to stay sober and progress in dealing with my Transgender issues, and transition other than drugs, drinking or escorting or sex.
I am remaining in Houston at the very least until traffic court In early January I want help I have been rejected by MHMRA, and want to be a part of the community and make amends, I am willing to sign a release to allow you to talk to my wonderful therapist whom I have started to open up with Melanie Morrison at Montrose Counseling Center (ext 306) I am having the power to admit the wrongs, fear I caused others and want help and I am willing to humble myself and go to any means to get it.
I have wanted to talk to you on the phone in this manner, and others, and its hard for me to admit defeat I worked hard for my Independence, and things and had it taken away by not standing up for the Hate Crime committed to me. It is approaching the 2 year mark I would like to remain in Houston, Texas and make a stand before the statute of limitations runs out.
I am not saying I am miss not-guilty And have been a habitual lier, and bitch and put fear in many people. I want help, but I want someone to treat me with respect in a safe place. I am not proud of things I did to you and other people locally in the GLBT community but I humble myself and admit wrongs which my higher power, you and others and most importantly I hurt knowing the fog has lifted.
You have the choice to accept my individual invasion of forgiveness, with being humble, and overlook past transgressions. Or you can ball this letter up toss it away, and never receive it, you have the choice of calling law enforcement and handing the letter over to them.
I want to make a stand for the physical, emotional, and verbal and sexual abuse I had committed to be starting around Jan 2008. But I am wiling to be honest, humble and submissive given the past things I had. I'm tired of being so suck up in my narcissism. I worked hard to have what I had and threw it all away. I am so humbled that I am willing to go where ever it Have to, live on the streets, leave everything that I have left behind, including what is my safe place my truck, not my apartment, cut family, and friendship ties and start over in a city far away fresh with nothing more than what I bring plus a few hundred dollars.
I want help, and want to make a stand up for my injustices, but also realized I am not much better than those who hurt me. And thats being honest. I hope you have the heart to forgive my wrongs. Please don't see this a letter of pity, but a letter of being humbly honest and true to myself. The Fog has lifted for me, has it for you?
That is what you must ask yourself, Please don't call me, a written response would be better. You can use the po box listed above, my website and blog at LEEMCG.COM is available if you wish to look, My personal cell phone that I carry is (713) 578-0016 but if you don't identify who you are and most of the time I don't answer due to financially problems, skip tracers and people I don't want to talk to anymore.
I chose this method of written commutation to open the door, due to it doesn't , further harm anyone else, it doesn't scare others of me, doesn't further harm others with my presence. I not drinking am remembering pain, and hurtful things I did and I want to be honest and make amends.
The choice is yours and I shall respect your boundaries, and the boundaries of others whom I put fear into due to my own religious issues, to whom I am no longer affiliated with the church of jesus Christ of latter day saints, my homophobia which I used religion to cover.
I wrote this letter in humble honesty, I figured the holiday season is upon us, and maybe you could have some charitable room in your heart, but I don't want pity, just a chance for help, but I'm willing to sacrifice as I abandoned my old apartment leavening things behind to leave that abusive situation.
My former Mormon bishop Craig Pettery when I lived in cypress, spring area. Saw the physical abuse, I went up there often after being hit, and abused. But wasn't out and was still a member. At the time this is my first Christmas totally out and proud, even if somewhat still insecure.
I also had a alarm at my old apartment in west chase. And had A HPD panic response once and could not tell the officer who felt something was wrong but I would not talk, I want to try and get my hate crime prosecuted and I need professional help, and want it with some place with dignity and to reenter the workforce and go back to collage.
I'm tired of being rejected and the horrific lack of awareness to my issues, and after traffic court given my many brushed with local, state and fed rial law enforcement but no felony's (just misdemeanor) I am willing to leave all behind for a fresh start and a new life elsewhere.
I know the way somethings where handled due to me being humble, and working the 12-step program at Lambda center but I am willing go elsewhere if I burned my bridges where beyond repair. I was humbled during my last trip to the Harris county jail and to the ICE Deportation center during another brush with law enforcement.
I ask for help in humble hands, and to over look past transgressions and prior bad acts. My concern is being treated with respect regarding my trans gender issues, which largely I was not and used drinking to deal with. I want help and I am willing to even leave all behind and totally bottom out to relocate to a another area to seek help, If I have damaged myself beyond repair. I am willing to be honest and open and ask you for help,
I am willing to walk away, to get help, and will if I shall. I don't want to. My priority's in life are as follows
staying sober , therapy
Transition
Education & employment
T
I do not like who I became after here, nor do I justify my actions nor do I want to go back out and drink. I admit defeat and fault over what I did, what I didn't do and how I allowed my life to spin out of control. I hope you can see the fact that I want to change, and I am trying but I understand if you can't.
I do not want to run away from my problems, I learned after moving from my old residence of 2 years that geographic changes don't solve problems. I am tired of burning bridges, mistrusting people, to demanding, my bitching and complaining. I am tired of the nightmares of being physically, emotionally and verbally abused. Which In turn I did to others, I want to break that cycle. I don't want to be like the philosophical saying of the Man has a bad day at work, comes home punches the wife. Wife smacks the kid, kicks the dog. I'm the wife in that example. I don't want to be that evil, nasty hateful person I became.
I also understand change does not happen overnight, and its a constant struggle to zen, enlightenment and faith again, my faith became in vokkia, wine and beer and being self destructive, messing with law enforcement, security guards, and hanging around bad folks. I'm tired of being sick and tired, I am extending the branch of fellowship, faith and getting help.
he choice is yours, I made bad past choices and pay the consequences of them, I have extended my hand, maybe you could extended yours. I hope you can have the humbleness in you to extend you hand. As I have extended mine. I am willing to exchange more information honestly with my therapist present if you chose further correspondence. My actions and inactions are one of my biggest resentments and issues. I am extending my hand in goodwill, faith and fellowship and honestly.
I want to say I am sorry, for the past, and want to look forward to the future of a bright future between myself, you and others whom I offended. I want to offer a token of peace, and serenity and to say I am sorry, for scaring and terrorized others.
Looking forward to work with you,
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
CC: José Ayala
I also need to cut the red tape out, the bull shit, and get it down to one page, keep it simple stupid.
I want help, grow tired of lack or awareness, self respect and dignity and want to make amends but am prepared for not being able to, my truck and physical things are less important than sobriety, family or friends if I have to move to get help I shall all is expendable and achievable.
I don't want to leave or run away, but if I have to I will. I might stay in Dallas, or Austin before doing so. I am uncertain I might just get the fuck out of Texas, who the fuck knows all it matters is I stay sober, accept myself, be happy and talk more rather than bitch or hurt people who care and treat everyone like shit and garbage.
-Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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