12/24/07

I wonder why I wake day after day, touching the light, and why death does not follow, why I live and not die. Why clarity and soberity has passed me by, I reject the bottle, and toss the gun, now I dont cry on roof top parking garages at night, playing russian rolette with a 45 auto at night I do not.

I wonder why I dont go to hell, pull the trigger and go down I fall, shock myself with the TV or microwave, slash my wrist left to right, cut whats left of my former self off down below and bleed to death tonight, I pull the trigger but I keep coming back.

I sober up and understand, I understand what I am and where I want to go today, I know who I was and lied to myself and lied to others, I know the path I am takeing is correct for me, myself and I just dont know how I get by.

The reality is I do what I must to grow, live learn and prosper. I know I am right and wrong, I know that being over thinking, and not controling my inner bitch and self is right and wrong. I know I know nothing, I know a Mind is a shame to taste. I know Myself, is nothing without soberity and love, and peace love and a dry fist.

I discovered more about life, and living not exisitng but being out of body into zen, enlightenment, and love, and myself I know its not just me, me ,me but I have to grow, blossom and be more and more into life myself and I.

The also growth of myself, love and I is good for what I need to discover in my soul, life and the after life of myself I and life and living and learning about who and what I am. I hurt for the fact I know I am not about me myself, and I and the dark side of the force and I must grow to achive enlgihtment, peace and forgiveness of myself, and self-love. I must shut the fuck up at times, and set my mind into inner peace.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)