12/13/07

Days like today, I just want to take a gun to my head and kill myself. No pun intended. But I'm tired of being disrespected being kind, and trying to ask others to respect me. I want to go camping and crawl into a hole and die. Get into the end, and just be with my beloved mother.

I am tried of the pain, and want to die in the ice and rain, I want to continue to be kind, only to have others stab me in the back. I am tried so fucking tied. And I shall die soon. The truth is I want the pain, gone I am tried of being disrespected.

I am tried of the pain, a 4^th step is being worked, but I cry and slash and bitch and whine only to be ignored and people disrespect me and don't understand. I am going to self-term ante or go into insanity soon, I want better and a sponsor that is worth something and the pain to end.

Little things, kill. Its the little things that matter why the fuck don't people listen. I am grateful and tired of the insanity but am grateful I got to bond and fix someones computer and write code into the wee hours of the am and weekend. Blah. The bitch switch is rolling.

Everyday That I do not avenge those who abused me, stay sober, and stay alive and deal with the pain with writing, bogging and the bitterness and more commutation and work the steps and go to meetings. And do not walk around with a knife or handgun on my person is a good thing. That I do not become the judge, jury and hang-person. Going after those who abused me at work. And become a vigilante.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)