Tuesday, December 4, 2007

I spent part of the night, hurting badly. I hurt and urn for something more the weather is dark, nasty and depressing just as my soul is. I hurt and want more and more. I grow tired of the pain. I am much happier, but I am searching for something else. Something more, my old self back. I feel something unlike something else in Buddhism and something odd, and it attarctes to me, but I have not the discipline for Buddhism or the life.

I am tried or searching night to night, life to life looking for something more meaningful, I want love but don't want to give it I am cold inside, and shall possibly drift off into the path of darkness, death and despair. I want more but its lost, hope seems impossible, gone ever and ever.

Alas, I find myself, drifting life to life finding what once went wrong each day hoeing I find the love, I so truly desire. But I think not. I have given up, I want my true self, again, I want to accept myself again and If I can not self-termination seems more obvious, and more prob bile but alas its not. I have these odd and obscure memories and am unsure of what is what I want peace but will not find it.

I don't know what I do or don't remember, I am lost strange and obscure gone with the wind, the nails all but hit into the coffin. I am loved, but don't love myself, I cant live with myself, and I cant pickup another drink, I don't want pity, I want closure at the end of the tunnle of love of pain, pity, rape, and abuse. I want the tunnel to end, I want acceptance even if in the after life or Buddha or the next life, I want to take a leap of faith with my brains splutterer on the ground,. Rice round like a record baby, I spin tumbling closer and closer to death and despair, my brains bashed in and lifeless body lies on the ground, people come and gather around.

The fire, police, ems and those who care the most have a small remembrance at most, I cry and night in my bed, wanting the end to come through swift, to die before I wake of a heart attack in the sleep I die at Night hoeing not to live another day, I shatter my blood, soul, and brain.

I am smart, and kind at most, and a good soul at the best of most, but I want more and folks don't understand so I shoot myself In the head.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)