12/07/07

I have been thinking a bit about my uh encounter with those I resent in the past, I wish the person had approached me. I don't have a resentment, I know you and Chris at least still checks up on my blog now and again.

I want to make peace, and open the door. The only factor is I don't want to cause more harm than good, for myself you, or ethical boundaries or other affairs. Regardless of what happens to me, what I choose to do. I know you care, and I am grateful for everything you and others tried to help me.

I admitted my defeat, and honestly am just plain sick of the pain I caused, I'm sick of living in this shit hole every day, I'm sick of what I don't have and I know I am selfish. I have a fuck of a lot of be grateful for maybe I am embarrassed of my wrongs, inactions and lashing out.

Maybe I want to totally bottom out to start over or die trying on skid row, I don't want your pity, I just want a message. Otherwise after January 10,th and if things go to plan I shall leave, I wont be in your hair any longer, No forwarding address Ill walk away from what I have left and vanish to start over elsewhere.

I don't want to but If I am continued in my rejections and quest for help, id rather leave and go AWOL else where and hope for the best or die being true to myself even if I am treated like shit. At least Ill be at peace.

Im sorry I scared people last holliday season, I feel badly about lashing out. If I ever last out at any one in that nature, which is honestly very unlikey, it would be at my abusers, but I have been more humbeled even though I am lucky to sleep 4-6 hours and I am forced into preforming sex acts, beating, hit, vebraly abused, and taunted at my apartment, harassed on the highway and I am tired of being mistreated. I am tired of being afriad to leave my apartment. I dont want your pity.

Maybe a distance of 2000+ miles would change, it I dont think it would. I am sligtly more comfortbale at my new safe home but I am not. Thanks to victor, henery, john, carl, enqique, elmadean, james, johnny, tino. I dream of being abused day and night, I am harassed over and over again. Im not miss iniocant I lashed back but the harassment was beyond belife, thanks for my nightmares wal-mart. Thanks for my religious and insecurties and low self estem which drinking didnt help, not seeing that many folks claudia (lesbain mgr), karen (LP) , Kris, danielle (ON support lesbian couple) I hurt badly, (nicole ftm) amd her dad (pete) I am sorry for burning bridges and runing my life.

I want to open up, the abuse on the highway, harassment a HPD panic alarm response, fear in my life, fear going to tg meetings, getting on of my documents of being hit by the dates and times of thefts the transgender status than hiting me and calling me a dyke and lesbian and queer bitch.

I am tired of the flashbacks drinking, sober . Being raped over and over again in the mind. I want help but there is not gaurntee of being placed in a single room or worse being place with black or haspanic males. I cant deal with the pain, I must start over someplace else. I will become homeless by choice for the denial of services, burden of others and loved ones who still care but dont understand is so much. I choose life and might even spend time in jail (by choice) to quicky clear up this manner go back to school and become the butch truck driver at least for a year or two while obtaining residancy OTR maybe drive with another girl whos transitioning that I know to put myself though collage.

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Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)