Wednesday, December 12, 2007

The reality of my life and path sets clear. I am going to become a recluse start over, leave mostly all. Things I have to be grateful for. I have made my choice, and path to enlightenment and zen. I know where I want to go in life.

I am tired of the lack of awareness, shame and guilt I feel for my actions and inactions I have only 28 days until the path of enlightenment is there, the way is close, the day is closer. I have a choice and path to make, I have the clarity to jump ship, and die for who I am or die trying.

Today and the month of December and January leaves the fact I am going to do all, and get out of my pity and depression. Last night at Hollywood I saw a guy talking to a plant on the patio, another talking to a t-shirt at the super center. I am afraid deathly afraid of becoming those folks. But I will if I remain here the fear, and path to enlightenment has spoken to me

I also ha Ive learned myself and what I need to do for me, my path and I must follow or die for who and what I am. Life doesn't mean much to some folks. I must leave here the pain of going back to myself.

I am in a southern style redneck type bar and patio establishment and hurt, hurt bad for who I am and who I have become I have a pain in my heart I often think of Killing victor, henry, Enrique, carl, john. I want to kill john between his eyes for verbally abusing me every day. Victor, enqueue, carl and henry abused me physically, emotionally and verbally. I want to leave, kill them or myself I do not want to leave or relive the pain that started in December of 2005, and in the end I though drinking and half ass doing things got hurt and disabled at work in September of 2006 I want to get revenger but have found forgiveness.

I saw much though booze, drinking, bar hoping and self-destructiveness actions. I am going to leave my family, possessions, truck and other things wondering. I must leave for enlightenment I am going off the grid and out of style.

I want to take care of those who wronged me in the wrong, way I forgive others, myself but cant let go of the pain, the reality is the lack of awareness for my cause, denial of honest help, and depression and hurting has led me to dieing and enlightenment and suffering termination of others, myself is not a option my first holiday out proud and hurting and sober since 2005 hurts bad.

I started drinking in Houston, quit drinking, discovered myself, whats wrong and got better and got worse here. My priority's in life are clear. I am afraid of life but do not fear death. Today I am going to seek help and enlightenment but in reality it may not come. I may leave start over and go away and off line the shadows a drifting spirit of life, enlightenment and help.

I have peace within myself today, gratitude toward not being as fucked up and bottomed out as I could be and be grateful to be inside, and have a place to sleep.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)