The truth of what I know now, it sadness I am a hermit much as my mother, I hurt bad knowing what I did for myself, and what I did the reality, of mind I hurt in my soul and want more and more, for my inner child and enligjhtment for myself and soul, I need more in life and myself.
I went to a meeting this morrning, Oddly enough I had a story that met more, someone spoke and shared that they got sober someplace, elese moved here to start over, and they were uncomfrotble there given past things they did there and the move on. I told my hterpsit and showed her some of my past transgressions and shame and guilt and resentment toward an indidvusla in my past.
I hurt, I think I need to cut my ties to texas for a while, I just need to get back here and start over, pay taxes on my truck find a place, school is going through, my health is in some declaine from stress, and overworking and I had some health problems as of late.
Also more recently, I have been sick, I also am nervious about my upcming flight going through TSA being trans, out and lviing full time, I also have to drive back from new orleans, and might stay with my folks for a few days, I have meetings planned out in New Olreans, and beyond that the trip is a mystrey, I also shall share part of my mother with my blog readers and for my own reasoning as follows (some information is removed to protect confidance of others)
I don't know that I have much to tell you about your mother and the Bay Area. As you know, she left here about 24 years ago. Your mother was a bit of a hermit. We lived together off and on for about 12 years after high school, and she mostly stayed home behind closed curtains, and did not like to have folks over much.
Your mother worked in the Children's library in downtown Richmond for a while. I do not know if that library is still there, and it is in a very bad part of town. She liked Tilden Park above Berkeley. I know we went there a few times. We did not go out to restaurants that I can remember. We did not have the money.
I met Kathy at St Scholastica's in Covington. I am a year older, so I graduated the year before she did. The summer after I graduated, your Mom and I became friends, since we both lived in New Orleans. After she graduated and started at LSUNO, I had some problems at home and needed a place to stay. That is when Pat and Mack (who died just one month later) took me in. I lived in Pat's house on So. Roman Street for about 2 years. Then I was making enough money to get an apartment, so Kathy moved out with me. When Kathy graduated from LSUNO, she decided she wanted to live in California and we moved out here together (1972). We first moved to Santa Rosa and both got jobs at a winery. But those jobs were seasonal and we were laid off 6 months later. I was able to get another job in Berkeley, so we moved to the Bay Area. Your mom did not work as I recall. She eventually decided to go to graduate school in Oregon to get her Masters in Library Science. When she moved back here, she got a job at the Richmond library. Through a mutual friend, she met your father.
Your mother was actually quite brilliant in my opinion. She was in honors Math and English classes at LSUNO, and that was a very hard school. However, I do not think she was often happy. She stayed at home most of the time and spent a lot of time reading. But as I said, she was a hermit and quirky.
I am much as my mother in somewhat of her foot steps, and my father lviing the bronx for a new life in the 60s. I hurt and move forward more, I miss my folks, but this is home, its just so open and scarey my health is not of the best, I had some more ininicouations and shots recently, and my health is doing a bit better.
I also take a volenteer training session at the GLBT community center in san francisco, and move on with my life, and finding meaning, the community center I visted my 2nd day in san francscio, I did not venture past octavia and market for a while, given I knew my prior history hanging out in areas like the castro, I had other tasks avoiding slipperly places, people and things.
I also have some mail and some things to mail home, and some other tasks to do now as well. I drank some OJ and ate good today, at a indie rock diner, where I usally get coffee in the morning and sometimes a bowl of frys. I do what I must for my health and to move on, yestedray I unwionded at the castro country club and went to bed around 8pm and awkoe at 2am took a shower (keep in mind this is pacific time) and got out the shwoer at 4am, and got dressed andf left around 5 or 530 am, and did my hair and make-up, my back hurts badly, and I have some body pain.
My primary care, dr vacanated me agaisnt TB, hep a + hep b as a prevnetive mesure given the bays areas history of TB, and in casue of accident, given Im more asxual anyway, I also have some doubts about some things with friends and personal matters, and meetings. And my program and confuseion.
I am greatful to be working my program today, one day at time, and leeting go of priors, and moving onward, I move on to life and enlightment, I find peace, love and well self-love
-Lee McInnis Gaetjens
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