Saturday, March 22, 2008

Yesterday was semi-productive, I slept well, went to bed around 8pm awoke at 3 am as usual. I also met with Ariel and wrote code and updated my blog, website, and played Counterstrike yesterday, stopped by the CWP event and met with AL yesterday, at the coffee shop, I also know more of what and who I am, and know more of what I am and where I want to go in life.

I had the self-assessment and spiritual experience of understanding NM would not be a good roommate and AL mingt not be as well, but I also understood that I need someone sort of between the two individuals, theres a vacancy at nice complex, I also know more about life, and the power of a Higher power, forgiveness, resentmet and honesty and moving on.

I also dream more of my life, and what I had, and everything I belived and my value system is crap, and bullshit I feel failed and potrayed as an Indivdual, I feel hurt and potrayed and I talked about it, I feel embrassed and shamed and I shared it with those thatl, I trust, love and that love me.

I have laundry today to do I did not do yeterday, I also have a meeting on the adgenda as well as some fincial matters and mailing documents as well, I miss my mother dearly day after day more, and more

I also have to pick up my meds at the drug store, and mail a letter and documents and pick up mail and a package, and ret ready for church on sunday as well. I saw something intresting this moring someone I know from my past, in a viction but in the rooms, I also saw someone whom I might have resented much as I did

My fear of being abused recently a few weeks ago when reaching out for help, was apparently unfounded as well, and I am greatful to be sober and on my program today as well.

I also know more of who I am and my own personal past, present and future, and reality as I love myself, and know more about Myself, I spent allmost my entire 27 years of my life not knowing who I was lieing, and in so much denial and pain,a and shame. I sturrgeled with my faith, I converted to the LDS church for faith of who I am and the infimous religious cure-all. Which inverstion therpey does not work as folks know and is well documented.

I also know more of who I am and where I want to go in life, I know I broke free, but I hurt, I hurt bad for my sins againt others, I hurt bad for being hurt in houston, and hurting others who cared and tried to help. I have trouble leeting go of resentment, but I pushed things beyond repair. I am unwelcome and not any better than those who hurt me, I have to move on, and hope fate, a higher power one day can reunite me, or allow ammends to be made, but Ive accepted people are afraid of me, and well dont want to be around me.

The reality is I know more about who and what I am as an individual and myself and my own personal jesus, I know what I am, where I am and who I am, I need to go get my trcuk because I dont want it to become like DLGs 1976 BMW 2002 , I want to keep it in good, shape, its a rare trim (FX4 with the tremor package) and it is in good shape, the first new auto I purshed, and it was my safe place, and I have my coming out memeory in there, a lot of drinking storays, a soberity memeory, and travel trips and vacations and many good and bad memeorys and also memeorys or my life and things few and far inbetween, it was my safe place sometimes and was good to me, I plan to keep it to a classic, ford is discountinuneing the rangers after 2008 and it means a lot.

I had some french frys and cofffee this morning while composeing this letter and document, I also washed my hair, svaed my legs and did my makeup after awkaing at 3am, I also slept like a rock, Not a chevy truck but allmost like one. My dreams of life are becoming a reality, It means a lot to me. The reality of what Imy chapter to my gnosticism, I also know more about my life

Furthermore, I have much to achive I am young but becoming older, wiser to my insecuritys, stupidty and indegressions, and Know what I want to become, I know who I am, I dont care about others, which brings me to NTM she is ok, a good friend but she bitches about folks assumeing about us together, or when folks say somethingt nasty she reacts and causes a big scene, and profolks them further into rage and makes and fits sterotypes, her story is she is standing up for our rights, but actrully she is causieng a big scsne and doing more harm than well, and whonestly she makes more folks reads us, and draws more attention to us and dramma, even given the fact we are the same age, transgender, same size, body type etc. the diffrentrce is, shes stright im lesbain or bisuexal, asexual.

I respect her oritnetaion and values and she does mine, but she bitches and has to much dramma, and negativeity and poor choices and complains and doesnt push her self as hard, I know what I want fame, fortuine, power, and money and wealth and education and control, my life is unmanageable and I admit such and she doesnt get it, she cant understand the facor of my self, chapter to my gnosticism or enlightment, so I progress and walk away.

Anyway I have a good day, I am loved, I am moving on and working my program, and I make progress not prefection one day at a time

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
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