The other factor in life is progress, and development in my self. I recently have a more positive outlook and view, of life, fear of love, hate and fear of the unknown. I am a fear of myself and I false start, I am afraid of fear of the unknown life and love not progress but not perfection of life, love and my own chapter to my own gnosticism and life.
I went to a meeting this morning, I also composed more plans, and Have the fed rial building on my list, I also am having the belts and hoses changed as well. I watched the re-make of house of wax where paris hilton gets slaughtered.
I also saw other things more recently as well, I composed a letter, go through the night, slept well, awoke at 4:30 am. I also ate a begal, and iced tea today. I also have other plans, I found out my stalker did not leave town, another one of her lies, she did not go to LAX, she is insane, as am I to a degree with my own chapter to my gnosticism.
I also have pain, of hurt and kick-started my heart and drive, I miss Texas, I also know with my resentment, I ruined a personal, and professional relationship ship for someone who cared, beyond repair, I moved on. Or I'm trying to, my sponsor told me the reason I am not doing the first step right, is I have to be very detailed over.
I almost want to go back to Houston, but I would be damned before I did, I also want to do more and more for myself, and I have better options of living the California dream. I feel like nothing I ever do is good enough for me, or anyone else. I feel like I am a failure as a person, and individual and person.
The one thing I want in life, but I doubt Ill ever get it, is my folks to not treat me like a failure, I want to be loved, I want to even make up with people I threatened in my drunk rages. I miss Texas my heart is there, sometimes the over-left lib rails here scare me though not as much as far right racist, hateful bigot right wing nut jobs.
I was in a meeting, and I felt upset someone used profanity in a church, in an AA meeting though not threating she was wrong, I have a bit more respect than that, and some of it might be I find most trans genders disgusting, I think the problem with the trans gender movement, is we need equity not unity. There should be no need, for places such as trans-thrive.
Houston is very lucky to have folks, who try and improve things, but you have more fucked up TG folks here and insanity, as well as California, organ, and Washington state lead the nation in suicides. I can see why, but I can see its a good place to raise the bottom is you remain focused.
I left something at someones house and I must retirve it today., I also have more and I should be grateful more, But I deserve better, this girl is not going to sit around and bitch about life all day, she gets out there and does something about it.
I had my doctors appointment more recently, my therapist was wonderful, the doc says the Prozac with the HRT is helping slowly but surely. I also discover more about myself, life and the chapter to the unknown. I want to help others, I know whats its like to drink, lash out, and fear yourself, others and go into paranoia.
Whats awake ward, my current sponsor who I just got (2nd) is a Gender-queer, not TG or female, its awake ward to confess what I did to another TG/IS/Gender queer person, I'm not any better than the ones who hurt me, and I hurt and struggle with my sins against other trans genders, but during my time in Houston, I plan to face that or go back on a 5 year marker. I need to leave those folks the fuck alone, but I hurt and it hurts every night dreaming about what I did and had done to me.
I miss family, friends and my hometown as well, I miss a lot of things, I miss hope faith and well want a better life, I am getting there slowly but surely.
This morning walking through SOMA I had a guy near the metronome, touch me inappropriately, and than get angry, some drunk wasted homeless person the cops had not worked their way that far down, I was afraid briefly but remained calm, collected and confidant and he backed off, I'm pretty street smart also
I'm tired of being sick and tired, day after day, night after night. Life after life, I want better, I want fun pride and joy. But with pain, aa, comes consequences. And I reap them now.
I want so much to be loved, but I feel Ive been taken advance of to some degree, its lonely sort of, I want to get involved with something but My life is unmanageable but its becoming more manageable slowly and surely. One day at a time, I make progress and perfection.
I know my life is good, and will get better, I know I want a better life. I know I have the motivation, drive, and ethic to achieve such matters in enlightenment. Ill find happiness, and zen soon. But I don't feel I belong, I know what I am, I accept myself, more sober now, but I am missing something, stability, a roof, and well pride.
I want more in life, love and myself I deserve a better life of sorts, in progress of myself, my own personal chapter to my gnosticism. And I find it slowly and surely with my soul.
I am tired of being alone, being careful of who I trust, I want someone and a better life, its lonely being me. I feel overloaded and overwhelmed I think anyway or sort of. Ive thought of going to Austin, but alas not I'm at home on the pacific coast more, its scary being so open, and way more lirbial, many disagree with some of my views, its odd not hearing gunshots across Houston.
Some of my capitol punishment, and firearms views are shunned upon, I am viewed as some as a bit redneck,but also I keep the peace sort of, but I'm tired of being sick and tired and I remain focused for what I must do, to archive enlightenment, peace, sobriety, love, and joy, and being happy and success in life.
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
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