Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Ive been thinking about what I did over the coarse of my drinking, and self-destructive actions. For the past 2 ½ years I hurt my potenetional and former friends, lost my job, flunked out of school, drank and got arrested for misdemeanors, and victim less crimes using my first amendment rights, and expression.

But the reality is they were not so victim less, the victim was me (or so the drinking told me) I scared a lot of people, ruined a one kind, charming young lady with a bright future. On the other hand, I hurt the Trans gender and GLBT community's in Houston, and in the end and sober I struggle to stay sober, and want to move on I want to be welcome but I don't feel welcome, because well I was wrong, I hurt my friends, family and folks who cared, in the end the real victim was me with the cause and effect and consequences.

Maybe I should let go, maybe I should move on. I think a lot (I try not to) I have nightmares about what I did, didn't do, and what was done to me. It hurts living with myself and trying to make peace for what I did. I was wrong, I want life, but its hard to let go.

I want to give a big warm hug to the community with open arms in Houston, I miss Texas, but I also know well, It will probably not happen and if it happens it will happen with the god of my understanding and powers at be, I feel in debit to return in kindness or service if anyone needs it or If I could help and If I was invited.

But I have to remain strong in optimism, its not healthy to talk about it, but it hurts. I also was recently around someone while beneficial to me, and I had fun with her as a friend, she was spiritually draining to me, someone at a club yelled at me to shut up and listen more and I shall, be the quiet girl in observation in the corner, I am to outgoing and open and drain folks. I am self centered and lazy I have become I think.

I need to remain focused and disciplined in spirit of sort, and set goals, and priority's. Which I did prior to coming to san francisco, I did what I need to do, had flash backs out here and more confusion.

The gay marriage debate in San Francisco as the events, bible thumper and insanity in UN plaza is nuts, as are folks who might burn me at the stake. I'm watching the debates currently on the public access cable channel. I also feeling well odd, I have a doctors appointment in the next few weeks, as a therapy appointment later this week.

I also composed more of myself, past and chapter to my own gnostic, I ran into last night some folks with the missionary and church group. I slept good awoke at 3 am Pacific took a hot shower, ate oatmeal, and fruit for breakfast. And cleaned up, groomed and took care of a few other things caught some shut eye, composed more.

I have an appointment at the doctor later, and a drop in doctors appointment later today, and a few affairs to take care of again and again.

I also composed more for myself, and life and fear of the unknown life and slowly I make progress but not prediction one day ata time, it sucks getting old, but life goes on. I progress into enlightment, and zen and one day at time my own personal jesus, true self, and inner peace grows more and more. I find forgiveness and minding my own business.

Which is why even though the GLBT marriage debate, I don't want the drama down there, I want happy memories.

Which is why even though the GLBT marriage debate, I don't want the drama down there, I want happy memories.

I also saw some protesters outside the court that were reading decriminalize sodomy, which I did not take a photo of to spread hateful bigots, if they care so much about jesus,go into the tenderloin, or mission feed the homeless, do a good dead, donate money to breast cancer, leave people alone and don't be so over judge mental and mind other peoples business and play god.

Live by example and forgive and let others make their choices and have rights and human equity and dignity, I also think the person who had re-criminalize sodomy, as in Lawerance vs texas, and thats wrong, which by the way Mr Lawerance died last year, and was the joke of many hoots and toots in Houston (Montreal neighborhood) Gay Bars.

And honestly I didn't want to go around a bunch of folks that hate me, for what I am, and face folks I find the reference to Mr. llawarnace, who was himmulated for doing things it his own private home, and to be caught by and ex, and have the ex call 911 in a false b&e and sexual assault, he faced himmualtion and became the patsy for decriminalizing gay sex, and while caught in the act, he was a activist and community leader that was the face of jokes in many montrose bars when He walked in , during my drinking years I had a drink or bought a drink for Mr Lawerance before he died, as a friendly gesture in JR's once not my typical bar But I occasionally visited.

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Lee McInnis Gaetjens
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