Sunday, March 16, 2008

I discovered more of myself, and my own chapter to my gnosticism, self-discovery and enlightenment of my soul. I dreamed of myself, and enlightenment for my soul. I learned more talking to my friend Ariel yesterday.

I discovered more of my self, past, present and future. And Learned more about my soul, self-will and discovery, I also spoke to a few folks about my transgressions. I have these flashbacks, and points of loss. My Theresita and doctor think some of it might be related to HPDs use of a tazer which I rightfully owe my life to but I don't deserve to be razer 50 times and more,

I also learned more about myself, and did it to my own chapter to my gonsoticm, have an appointment with the therapist this week , doctor, appointment at the womens clinic, and the collage and with the legal help to go to the San Francisco FBI field office on Thursday as well.

I have trouble leeting go and putting things over to my higher power and working my program, maybe I haven't been to enough meetings, and the flashbacks were occurring more frequently when LT Le hay with HPD kept calling me sir, and the other factors triggered a flashback from the PTSD and when I was at the meeting a few days before in question and was told to get out my face.

The nightmares started back, I spent part of Friday and half of Saturday, altering trying to get myself committed, I had my friend and case manager call SFPD to commit me, 4150. and I was taken, and felt better they also stupidly at the other hospital gave me some sedative painkillers that made me feel drunk, happy and angry. Ill never go back to st Marys again. A law suit might be in order.

I also know more about my chapter of my own gnosticsm and self will and discovery and love of myself, and honestly even if the truth is not pretty, I must be honest with my dealings with my fellow man, and keep my own humanity and self-love and discovery for my own gnosticism. I also loved myself and discovered more on my own life

Dealing with my own resentments, and not letting go in powerless, it was suggest that I deleite all numbers, names, peoples and places from my roldex mental (photo-graphic memorey) and on paper and let go. Its hard, but I think I can manage.

I have a lot of anger at HPD, jersey village police, bellair police, and harris county constiples, and sheriffs. And a few hopsitals for their inaction, un-compassion and lack of takeing a report for what happened. I am angry at my co-workers for abuseing me which are victor, henry, enrqiure, carl, james, john, elmaden, tino, for abuseing me at work, home on and off compnay propeery, when they abused me, I was starting to deal with a new life in houston, my gender issues, transiotn, life and away from my folks for the first time in my life.

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I also was dealing with my crazy homo-gender phobic Latter day saint, or moromon backround, work stress from abuse, working long hours, and just not being taken seriously. I also started drinking around eaerly 2006 and burned out really bad. I am ashamed for what I did t o christan, but I feel as if being post op she thinks she better than us. I don't want to hurt her, myself or anyone else. I might have angger and be victimed in my dreams at night, abuse became the normal wheither it came from work, or law enfrocement or bar fights.

I did at one time want to die, a lot of that changed with my near death expearace from HPD and the tazer, I had a seziure and cardic arrest. I wanted to get checked out but I did not, 3 hours or a period I dont remember, I also saw my mother and angels as well as well as an abusive realitve whom is now deceased.

I learned a lot about myself, drank myself into stupidity. I also learned more about my family, self and who I really am I broke free I was lviing a lie, being someone I was not. And I dont give a fuck as much anymore. I was wrong for what I did, but I hurt, I want to make ammends, socialy and personaly I am lacking meaning, but I am planning on going back to school in the fall, amongst other thiings, I made a new more postive life for me.

A few weeks ago I tripped out when I had some flashbacks, Ive been takeing some prozac and started HRT again and ive been a bit moddy, I manged to back down for quite a amount of time, I did have contact with christan once she talked to me and I flipped out in june 2007 at a HERA function for the pride pradade.

I also went back out drinking for about a week given such, I am afraid of her, yes I am angry at my co-workers, some were arested for steling from work, others quit, left or work different jobs and shifts/ I hurt being verbaly, physcaly and mentaly abused by co-workers. I hurt having see my mother die brutaly,

I am sort of like the woman whos married to eb abuseive husband, when he comes home he hits me, than I smack the kid and the kid kicks the dog. I want to break the cycle, I was unable to get help in texas, and have gender ID protectiosns which I never want to go through that again, so I came to make a new life.

My only item to go to texas, is flying in the fall from oakland, to new orleans to retrive my truck and personal items. And drive back to san francisco.

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Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
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