Today was productive I cleaned house some late into the early morning, its been cold like a meat locker in my apartment as of late. I have been resting, met with my wonderful sponsor who gave me a good chalange to go back working part time given the stress I am under at the moment with starting over, and other tasks. I am hurting knowing the wrongs, rembering the past and trying to find faith.
I feel the spirt or some faith I once had but I knowninly deny it. I am angry at god, or something. I respect sonny even though I fucking hate sonny sometimes, that someone who does not belive in god, has so much faith, serenity and soberity. I dont like being dry but I am. Today I made a bad choice, I smoked two american spirts. My old brand. I regreat doing so, its addiction. I will start running again, and takeing care of myself better in a better manner and fashion today and now and into the future.
I hurt so good, and bad due to knowing the rights and fixing the wrongs,one day at a time. I admit sometimes I think just go fucking take a shot of vokkia, or bash some fucking drunks brains in but I dont. I go to meetings, dont drink inbetween meetings. And I try to listen and let go of the wrong past, and bad choices. And the pain in my soul, past and mind and body. I want what sonny has and others have but reality scares the living shit out of me.
I Know slowly and surely I get better others see it the ups and downs and spining around. I will start running again, and keep progressing into enlightment, faith, religion and zen. I have the knowlage for the out of body experance and zen and enlightment and other issues but its hard it hurts and it suffers.
Today I have not left houston, or harris conty for more than a day, other than the occasional trip to ft bend, or montgomery or glaviston countys and once waller county. And Have not left the lone star state for over a year. Im a texan darnit.
Had a wonderful session with MM, learned a lot about myself, life and growth and what I need to do. My no bullshit tough as nails sponsor is good for me, myself, and I and my many personalitys and watched tv more and more often and life is good or more or less ok or progressive and progressing.
I have some spirt and holy ghost today and this weekend, I have let go more and more and have some self-confidance.
-Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment