sucide girls

11/14/07

I am composeing this lettrer of my own free will, sober and of sound body and Mind. I am sorry for the wrongs I have done, I have been hurting my whole life, I am not me, and I am just so tired and full of pain and suffering. I went to get help, and was turned away.

Being a female in a males body, I hurt and suffer. I am tired of abuse, I am tired of hurting, I am sick and tired of being tired, I am sick and tired of awakening daily and hurting. I want self-termination and death, and the pain to go away. I might apper to be happy with my truck, and laptop and life but honestly I am not the suffering must end. I am glad I have folks that care, but I scared people away from me people are terrified of me and rightfully so.

I am no better than those who have hurt, me and I am evil, depressed and just wrong, for my transgressions against other folks like me and those who abused, me I don't deserve pity, being alive is not making a living amend, so I will make a dieing self-termination amend.

I will die, alone, cold and not understood. I crawl into a hole to die, due to the fact I was honest and I got fucked, well fuck you harris county. Just let my pain and blood flow, alone and in a place meaning ful to me. Carbon monoxide poisoning on a camping trip seems nuro romnationc enough, while sober maybe a sedative to assist in the external sleep of my lifeless body in the pain, I blow my brains out in the rain. I slash my breast left to right, my wrong gentialy bleeds to death in sight, I blow myself up on fire, fire in the hole, I shatter down, up to the stairway to heaven I climb.

I go now away, to die another day. And live in pain and agony, I now grow up above in heaven, dead like me you stop to ponder.

I am no better than the girl who hits her partner, who slaps the kid who the kid kicks the dog. I am the kid above after being fucked around I spread violence and hate, I die the same fate, for being a vigilante on the run is no way to live, so I die another day, I gave up long ago, on hope and faith up above I go.

I am a female now and than, but others don't see me that way again, I came out at work and explored myself and was mistreated verbally, physically and sexually. And hurt other Trans gender folk just as I was hurt, spent my time in county jail, an d became a rambling drunk, flunked out of collage, lost love, and killed myself for I was abused out of hate, and self-fear being moron and a latter day saint these feelings are wrong and sinful.

I die and self-term anted given my wrong. And I was abused by a bunch of blacks and a maxicans and a few interracial, I worked just as hard or harder than they did while on hormones and was tough as nails but insecure with herself, Now I die just as they killed myself will.

I have much to be regretful for but I am not, Now I go camping in the rain, to die and end the pain over the holiday season I die for this reason.

I did what others have done died now and came undone. We are long lost and deverse and left-behind in edna. Now I go the way of the pain to die in the rain.\

I hope people can forgive me for what I have done but people do not understand the agony of it all. Now I fall down below.

I became a petty criminal and terrorist now I cant tell those who cared the most, and I hurt. So I die to keep from causing them further pain. Now down I lie down to die. Praying for forgiveness from the Houston Trans gender community that I can be forgiven in the next life. I lie down to die in spite and shame my name lost long ago in pain. Being bad news is what I am now I die again and again.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)