My life and feelings of depression and utter pain have grown more and more, the pain of being someone I am not living a lie, the bullshit, lies and drinking my way to zen. The nasty horrible things, I hurt to turn over to a god, there is no god. Why would god put me through this, why would I suffer. Not for pity, why would god have me born wrong, I accept it but don't accept the crap I did, I hurt every day for sins I committed, I chose to try and find peace again. I don't know why, I did these things. Today at the post office some of the documents I ordered showed up. Flashbacks of dreams and other things bad choices and nasty things I did to others are coming back more and more. I am remembering more and more and wrongs I committed to others and myself and bad things I did.
Its hard to forgive myself, some days I want to crawl in a hole to hie and die, I suffer so badly for nasty things I did, I want to run so far away, the blackouts, bad choices, and sins against other glbt folks and transgenders are utter poison and agony, the utter clarity is horrid. But I chose to get better or go camping and alas never return. Jumping ship from Houston to root elsewhere is not unrealistic or impossible, but I don't feel a need to broadcast it when I do,I know when the time will show up.
The holidays suck to be alone, single, and at odd and at a crossroads. The life I lived, bad choices I made I am angry at myself, and the pain. But I move on. I don't know where I will go but I am grateful to be sober, even sitting here at the coffee shop at Catlaina next to the dark horse tarven another place is painful and utter agony but I make it.
I know I am alive because someone maybe my mom, god or some goddess kept me alive, I should be shot many times dead, blacked out or overdosed in my apartment, I have clarity and want life to feel the lost self inside and I struggle to rediscover my old self, accept it again and live it. Sometimes I feel the agony is I lost is she died, and I die sober but that is not a option and unacceptable.
I know I will accept myself and love myself and move on away from the lone star state, (and the beer) also when the time is right, I will know and take action into doing and be.
Today the letter showed up, I went to the zoo, and I ate breakfast with my sponsor quavos rancheros was fucking awesome today, and ironically enough I saw someone else with a car just like hers younger and with the two stickers on the back as well.
I had someone offer me a drink today and I promptly and proudly refused, I also had someone sexually make pass at me in a crude and nasty way and told them where to go, (hell) but in a niced matter.
Blah Live in the moment, and not the dream or bullshit.I am grateful for being alive, having a wonderful sponsor and being in the moment, also the letter came today for the paperwork I need for the gold card and mostly filled out thats my task on Friday and get to shock my wonderful therapist (unless she checks my blog) this weekend with the awesome news,
I am afraid of rejection but hope things work out as I deep down know they will, I want help and am going to any heights to get it. I slept good last night asleept before 9PM and awoke at 5am back in bed and struggled after not sleeping for 2 days and have to set up and get the paperwork for the roundup this week
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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