The day was semi well counter-productive. I hurt, and bleed in my soul. I want what others have and yes I am willing to go any and great means to achive it. My soul, bleeds. Days pass. And I suffer. I want to get better. Tommorow I have to seek the atty, My dad and I fought tonight, he is much somewhat correct, but I suspect even though he and I fought badly, that my mother was a sham, and played him, my folks and the system. It hurts to have my father, while loving me, afraid of me.
It hurts to know I am terrosit, and bleed and suffer in my soul, it hurts more and more, wanting something more, being afraid of bounderies, and to have someone hassle me, some days I want to fucking have enough of it already, I am afraid, cold at home and lonely, and sacred, its bad, and well my father tells me to go back home to my family, sucides are at a all time high in that reigon.
If I move to the bay area, my father has told me two of his friends are FBI agents, and he took precautions just as he did for my mother, and my mother and I are so much alike, she medicated with pills, at the doctors depression, hostility, and lieing and hideing and it killed her it allmost killed me. I dont like my father fearing me, my mother and I are to much alike, it scares me. I susepct my mother also was a hibitual lier, as was another member of my extened family now decied. It hurts to have a father who loves, me to fear and if he dies in an accident, or suspicous matter, his FBI friends will haul my ass to SFO and prove me the killer of my father.
It hurts to be afrid, and open up but I know the best thing I have going for me is to not have any family near, me it humbles me. I am willing to go to any leginths to remain sober, and get help and do. I saw a version of myself 10 years from now it scares me.
The tears of pain being someone you are not my whole life is a lie, I am who I am and have a great many fears but I must remain humble, greatufl and more passive. I need to love, and be plesent and loving. People see the changes in me, I notice it, today I brushed someone away that I should not have that hurts. People care, still care I see it. People are nasty hateful and misinformed, and sterotype, yet I am nasty and judgemental, self-distrucive, and want love but brush it away for abuse, panic, pitty and dramma. I want love, and need more meetings, someone told me today what My problem is and I fucking get it already, and will do what I must for this matter.
Clarity fucking sucks, but I AM on the emontional, spirtual and sober, and resentment rollercoaster ride of my new life, so fucking deal with it already. I know I am wired, my mother is the problem somewhat, her own fucked up way of dealing with life fucked me, my familys fucked up views and the courts sideing with her. I need to fucking get over resentments
-Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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