The truth is today, went to the olive garden, rested and slept well most of the day. I didn't use any sudafed today or use any cough stuff. The bug seems to have passed me. I met with my new sponsor at lambda. Went to the 8pm meeting sat with my sponsor. And my higher power had it someone that works at mhrma is going to pull some strings for me.
I am feeling better about myself and my soul. I find it odd I have tasks and chores I no longer enjoy, I don't enjoy preforming preventive maintenance on my truck but I do it. I have so many chores, I need to do but cant.
I ran into taxi bill last night when I went to purchase some light bulbs for my safety inspection, I might need a rear brake job soon and new tires also. I was honest and have capacity to be honest. I am terrors ed of large packs of black males and has panic males.
I want to transition and be in a supportive working ennvormine, and I kept my promise to my wonderful therapist at montrose counseling center, my sponsor is going with me to the elegablity center. I hurt badly but admit my faults in honesty. I had to brake a commitment last night with the HATCH kid I give a ride home sometimes, some drunk guy left a foul odor in my house.
I have to draw and paint a picture of a safe place for me., My safe place is my truck, a bar or my mini storage. I will never get over the bad things they did to me victor, henry, john, enrique, james, elamadean, carl. But I can let go and put what ever happens regarding their abuse to me at wal-mart #3296 and my old apartment on hayes road, outside the beltway near briar forest and wilcrest behind me.
I fear living, and living in reality due to the horrid, verbal, physical, emotional and sexual abuse they committed to me. I have committed to remain here and deal with my issues for the moment, and hope I can repair damage I have done. And ask for a handout and maybe get a gold card, and my future is uncertain. I get 4 months sober on Tuesday.
I also cooked a little recently, and I am very scared of reality but I will be ok and have someone I trust now, maybe I opened up, Maybe I was humbled out of resentment and can see forgiveness and be honest. Maybe Ill be loved, maybe even Ill make living amends or other amends with my current sponsor.
I miss things but also Like the future and one day at time. I think people still care otherwise Id be in prison, dead or based on nasty things and death threats I made to others I would have my ass locked up.
I hate being at home, Id like to be able to live life and not have to feel so crash pad and out of the suitcase again. I want to live, and love and have faith again. And its close again and that scares the shit out of me but also makes me happy the pain is going to end soon. I'm going to get better.
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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