The pain hurts so bad, I did not know or fully understand the pain, was so bad. And had forgotten how much my soul, bleeds with scars, bruses and pain and suffering. I want what I once had but not drinking. I was hurt but understand those will allways not understand my pain.
It sucks that I want help but can not get any with peace, love and faith. It sucks that I have to commit a crime, be chronicaly sucidial, or homicidal or be another tradgty in Harris County that just went insane due to the suck ass system. There are many to name, Andria Yates, Claria Harris, Richird reed, the Acres Homes serial killer (unsolved and still out there killing)
The crime is out of control in Houston, crimminals drug dealers, and other unsavory elmants are everywhere, we dont have enough cops at night, or law enfroecment, the country is deeper and deeper in debit, sold out to forgin powers, and corprate intrests.
Elections are bought, power is bought. The country is looseing yet another war, gas is back up to $3+ a gal. Fuel Economy for light trucks is lower than ever, smog is through the roof. Illegal immgration, is out of control. The houseing and credit slump is also kicking in.
The world and allmighty united states of america, is not so united Bad news, sells and little but any news, I dont give a fuck that Britney spears got wasted again, and fancy prancys disgraces the big book
I in other matters Had my feelings hurt last night, by someone that does not understand sex is anotimay and physcal, and gender is in the brain, mind, soul and body, teeling me I need to go to SA bullshut;. Also this person was I think a bit wasted. I met some folks whom had to lie about soberity to get in and seek help. It sucks the system and way of life we have become. I visted the 24 hour club near northline mall.
In my own twised, reality distored more and more I suffer. I bitched at Brandi today, and shes pissed, I am sorry for doing such. I fear being crazy ending up a drunk, trash on the streets. If things contunie to look as bleak and I am unable to get help, I am very pro assisted sucide, and I will self termante if I am not able to get the medical and medicine I need and require, I am falling apart in pain.
Big Bend natioal parks is one of my favorite get aways and a Place I am found of just south of elpaso, Texas. One of the best views of the rio grande. And One of my beloved vacation get aways. In addition to east texas I love driving up us 59 between houston and I-20 in a convertible wind blowing in my long hair is very relaxing.
I had a talk with my grandmother more recently, she said that when she dies, she is going to be cremated and not be told till afterward given she loves, me disapproves but accepts the fact and doesnt want me to spend money to come see her in her last days, which I respect.
She has lived a old life and I am greatful for many things such as knowing how to use the BCC feature in e=mail to respect others confidance and privcay rights and anomity.
I know My neighbor is negaitve we might be viewed, as trash misunderstood. But I accept things and overcame my challenges I continue to stride and grow. She doesnt understand if she views her self a a transgender or woman as trash and understood, she will never fucking stop sleeping with men and get better postive outlook brings positve things when you are down and right, its the truth.I bitched at brandi when I was driving. And hurting. I hurt, and could hurt myself, but choose soberity, pain and getting better and help as painful as it is.
I know I have been draining and a bit angry as of late but I must do what I must for me, everyone I know goes away. I enjoy being pleasant around other people. And I must do what I must to live long, grow and prosepr. Which In other news, I want to start again 2000 miles away, and I will find a way, to the path of my birth place, and enlightment. And I will watch the cars go by as I compose this at Westheirmer and dunlevy, I watch the world go by in the neon lights, chrome and drunks and locals a Like in devesty, the goths, freaks, queers, and just closet cases, and normal joe and jill smhoes.
I enhoy composeing this post, to grow on the north side of montrose and even the westmore land, and east montorse area. I enjoy growing. I like my area back by castle ct, its cool semi convient to the medical center and the rice jogging path. I also have to watch the world go by, lost and adrift at sea.
I have a lot to be greatful for, But I am scared of past bad choices, and transgressions, but Grow better to idenity myself and love who I am, and want the photo of my blogger back I want my old beautfyl self back, cute, sexy and nicely dressed and pleasnt to bre around but without the backstabbing, messy bitch self and cold hearted and bar fighting person.
I think of of someone and let it go, my family ,loved ones, and painful rememebrances, and choices, I dont like crowds and talking to others who dont get it, but I try to educate it and them. Which it was a intresting club to visit, the one down south near passdena, I passed when I was popualr at SJC collage driving from katy I miss being down on wayside, airport blvd etc. But love my old self, but being alone and opening up trust and honesty sucks but I must grow again into hemy life and inner self and true self and Inner bitch and find the lost stange litle girl inside myself again
I think she got lost somewhere between jan, 26 2007 – and friday july 13,th 2007 and was found in and out inbwteen more and more. She grows more back and forth and I find inner peace and zen again and again. I know shes there. And having a photograpic memory follwed by 2 years off and on of binge drinking, draft beer, red wine, and screwdrivers and vokkia is starting to compute in my big mainframe huge head of a brain, and the cobwebs are getting flushed out more and more. She is returning more and more and remembering the pain.
I was wrong a few nights ago playing with my 4x4, and fucking around. I havent been myself, I am afraid, and alone during the hollidays and it scares the shit out of me. So I know I will be ok in the long run, but I am afraid, of ebing alone, turning 27, and a new year, but also embraseing and toughing up the pain and suffering to myself, others, family, loved ones, and people I worked with, people who cared in the GLBT community
Wrongs commited, and drinking to cover the pain and suffering for my whole life everything I eblvied did acts and worshiped and who I was was a lie,so its a birthday of myself, and soberity of my trueself not supressed with lies, drinking and self-distrctuiveactions and nasty things to others.
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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