reading the big book

11/26/07

Self assessment daily and what I am greatful for learning about my self, toward my birthday

Friday July 13^th 2007 Soberity date.

I discovered I am a con-artist, pity and put so much effort into things My way. I learn more and more daily as I write, read and discover I also learned the big book something a housewife that drinks at home., to doctor bobs nightmare, he lived to drink, the man who mastered fear, the never ending cycle. All and every chapter has application in the insanity of the blue book/.

I find disgust in those like spears, lohan who disgust the book who saved our lives, but thats a resentment, my dishonesty, lies, and paranoia, and UN-manageability. Hurt more and more, I must heal and rediscover more about myself, live, learn and grow.

I Am a fuckup, a nobody who wants control, power, money, and to rule the world. I am dominate, selfish, careless, and spend so much energy growing and lieing, lost faith, burning out bitching, complaining but doing nothing about nothing and bitching about something.

I romance myself as a dark angel, a vigilante and stick my nose and worry about and want to dominate the rule the world, its my way or the high way. Thats how I feel and one of my favorite lines from the matrix from switch one of my favorite charters that dies in the first movie, and the best.

I don't care, pretend to care, and still do and when I cant have my way I fill with resentment, control and drain people, I use people , I put up my wall with people to maintain domination and control because reality sucks, life sucks, and even though I work hard, I want life on my terms and I want it now dammit, I fucking hate letting others in to my twisted world, and chos, panic and disorder, I liked it I learned to like the pain, even though I didn't start the pain, I did some my share of it. I liked the adrenaline, drama, and like the drama queen, romance, of adventure, booze, cesspool, and creating chaos, panic and disorder.

Fuck working for it, mind-fucking and being a con artist, and spending my brains and haste on waste, booze, wine, vokkia, and the occasional mixed drink I learned to dance, enjoy the narcissism and loosing my inhabit ons and distorting reality. I hurt to open up but slowly do. I fear reality so worst of all while overcoming the trans gender part, reality sucks, the unrealistic, panic and disorder is more well brutal and my way maintaining dominance and the vampire nature of my narcissism and emotional vampire games,and mind games and well you assume the idea, use em than abuse them and on the next victim to bite and drag into my view of the world, or the world in my view, rather than being a little more submissive, open and honest and experiencing reality

The reality is I hurt badly, no one gives a fuck about my emotional vampire, narcissism dominatrix view and spiritually draining, my mouth and not fucking minding my own business is 60 of my problems and10 percent is my submissiveness zncx not opening my mouth, 20 percent is not being in the movement, 20 percent is complaining and not acting, and viewing myself as goddess of the universe and no faith and being a cold hearted bitch.

What I am grateful for is discovering this and learning change and slowly learning how to deal with the pain and mind fucking. And deal with change and why they call it a birthday and I want to stop spinning around like a record baby, I spin me rice round, rice round... Like a record Baby into the birthday! : sobriety date Friday July 13,th 2007

I discovered and grew up outside and acted out my inner child, now I have to start over close to aproaching 30, I had my day or thought I did, in my own twisted way, and dont want it, I want inner peace, and my true self. I am afraid of the walls keep tumbleing down. I fear life, reality, letting go today in the moment. I need meetings more and more. I need more as in the midnight hour I compose this message about myself, inner child and myself.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)