The reality of my life and who I have become the demons inside are discussed in the rooms of AA, I ran into someone from LAMBA center yesterday, I resent my abusers JOHN, VICTOR, HENERY, ENRIQUE, CARL, JAMES, ELMADEAN, TINO, but I move forward.
I also resent others such as christan, lilly, but who I resent more than anything else is myself, I was wrong, I hurt, I hurt that one of my assults was downgraded to a criminal misgiff, I resent HPD for refuseing to take a report, I resent the emrgency room, where I went after I was sexualy assulted by John.
It took my years of drining, to fog the pain, It took my more and more. And now I have nothing, and in reality I hurt because of it. I also have plans to ammend my pains. I am highly intellgent, beautful and resentful, what scares me the most, is I dont know myself, I know I am female, I know what I like or thouggh I liked years of resentments, hurting and suffering and hideing the pain and agony, I hurt for what I did I made a shame to myself.
I love the weather here, somedays when its colder lower 40s, my back hurts more, My body aches from the joints of numrous beatings by my ABUSERS named above, my hate of myself, my own homophobia, and trans-phobia brough on by my former religion Latter Day Saint which I still belive, more and more and less and less.
Myself, I hurt I still suffer from PTSD, my upcoming trip, I wont be in houston very long if even at all. Or I might avoid texas all together for the most part. I am tried and tired of hurting and suffering over and over.
It took years and months of suffering and pain and agony to release my pain and hurting of my soul, I hurt more knowing the reality of my indegressions. I hurt knowing I was wrong, clairy is a bitch.
I know more about who and what I am as an indidivudal, and person, I am tried of being hurt, or messed over or my kindness used and abused, Ive accepted the reality at 27 that I will allways be alone, and devote my life ot change for other trans-women and folks in policy, and advoacy and with media, and garphics design I do stil ldream of traveling as a new or indie media journelist, money power and presge dont intrest me as much as activsm.
I also worry a lot about enlightment, zen and faith and fear of the unkown and enlightment for my soul, and life for enlightment for my self, and life. I know more what I know now. I know more about myself, reaching out and admiting defeat. I hurt and suffer because of what I did, and didnt do.
Moving forward I hope the thing with macys works out, I would love to work and eventully be able to travel to other people, places and things such as texas, oregon, washington state, new mexico, and arazona long term, I have to many painful memeorys in texas and lousiana and dont go back much.
I hurt today, my back pain in worse than usual, my body aches more and more and is breaking down, I dont know what could be wrong with me, I am so much like my mother, brilliant, young, beauftul, and I alloed myself to fall apart in addiction and obssession-and complusions and even became an AA like my father, I suffer and still do and work thorugh therpey my PTSD, It took long many years of venting.
Reality check, I burned out, and beacme insantiy, when the insane child-hood of my upbrings, my mother,
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
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http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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