4/2/08

The reality of my life is I know more and more about my true self, and inner personal spirt, I learn more and more about myself, life and fear of the unknown, I also know more about my soul, and Inner spirt I know more about who I am as an inddivudal.

I have mounds of debits, rather than be a typical lazy, American I would rather pay them off, go back to school, work and take accountability for my actions, poor choices and inaction's and long term face the consequences of my resentments toward Indidvudals, People, Places and Instuatitons. I now face the concqunces of my actions here but I feel safe, I am not going to rush someplace to stay, mainly due to the factor, of I need to feel safe and have my needs met.

I am not going to go through my trauma, of being hit, abused and raped, and discriminated against., the reality is I became a drunk, got arrested pated my debit to society,l the pain of resentments towards individuals, even her still hurts, and scars my body, aches form being abused by law enfrocment. For the longest time, I had fear of cops, and some cops in san Francisco are trans-phobic, but the trans-hobia is much different here than the south.

Its sort of like a cold war, Trans-phobia, one of my favorite blogs which is simulcast on my Facebook, is questing trans-phobia (google is your friend) I don't want to work with people places things I despise, I am a outcast with some of my more conserve views, I am more of a Indpedndant, person, politically, personally, and a neat freak. And I enjoy the simple things, in life.

I am less materialistic, and less consonmerism. I hurt knowing the reailiyt of my life, actions and in-actions. I could delcare bankrupsy, but I would rather declaire accountabily for mya ctions, I have credit, still some in good standing, as I stuggle to rebuild my life I have resentments toward:

• Victor Enrique, henery, john, james, carl, elmadean, tino (abuseive coworkers at wal-mart)

• Wal-Mart

• Myself

• The Hoston Police Department (refuseing to help me when I was sexually assulted by my coworkers and had been battered and for tazering me while in handcuffs to sign a medical wavier, and being abused while in cuffs)

• The Harris County Hosptial distrcit (for refuseing to provide me assainst with my PTSD)

• The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (for trying to cure individualy and its trans-phobic policys and inversion therpey)

• The City of Jersey Village Police Department (texas) for refuseing to take a report, and being when I had been assulted and chased and stalked by my co-workers after work chased up into their jersdiction

• Houston Area Communiy Services, Christan Williims and My actions toward them

• Lilley roddy, and others and my actions from the support meetings

• The Emergency room, at Memeroail Hermin, and Town & country hosptial for poor or non medical treatment, when I was beaten and waterboarded on a traffic stop by Harris County Prct 5 constiples for not matching up to my id, and handcuffed to my trailer hitch in the cold and waterboarded and being hit with a flashlight when I had just been assulted again and was looking for help

• Harris County Prct 5 constiple (for above reasons)

• Lamba center ( Its diffcult to remain sober when folks have resenemtns toard attend meetings, and folks that worked in bars where you drank, attened)

• Post Oak club (same reason an lamba)

• Ben Tuab Hospital (for trating me horrible 2 years ago oin early 2006 when I reached out for help and the Trans-phobic dr) and for having my Chevy Tahoe towed and impounded, when I had premission to park there. At the MHMRA building. And the religious right wing nut job doctor that handled my case.m the only way they let me go is the fact I was employed and had an apartment, and I had to hide my true feelings, I was abused there when I sought help

I have zero toleriance for drinking, drugs, drunks, people who dont want to help themselves, do for themselves, I need my indepdnace, and being humble and own personal jesus, I like the Unitarin Univerisal church to a degree. I also like enlightment through knowlage and spirtuality and life experinces

But I know the only diffrence bewteen me and the homeless drunk, is one tste or drink, I know because my life was headed in that direction and on Friday July 13,th 2007 I chose to end the insanity. I currently am sponsoring someone with support, and giving her what she needs, and it hurts.

Ray hill whom I adore, I talked to, I felt saved my life, I was in july june 2007 going to light myself on fire and jump I didnt want to be a cripple and droping 20 floors from a roof top service bay, in a building I knew how to circimvent the seruityt and lighting myself on fire, If I couldnt stop being self-dsteriveing, driving others away, I wanted to end my life.

The intreview yesterday went rather well I thought, I had to follow up thursday they will call me, or call them and come back thrusday, mostly due to being honest about my past transgressions, and history in The Harris County Jail, which ironly also fucked up on a few issues.

I hate the fact I am blacklisted in TSA and Home Lonad security databases, due to things when I was drinking, I am required to get screened extra, I am terrifed of airports and crowds, it took a long time before I felt safe in womens shelters, muni, bart or flying. I hate being strip searched, and detained for questioning every time I flying, but thats the concquse of being drunk on a flgiht on 2006 and meeting the air-marshel whom also was in AA and told me to remain seated and no bathroom till we land, (gave me a chance and checked me out) and the camtian, and a flight atteneed was sent to watch me, and I was handcuffed than uncuffed.

I need to be honest about my past, and prior acts, I have had so much anger about not having justice, a civil cuit is not out the question to my co-workers, and sepaeniaing wal-mart for its discrimantory paractice toward GLBT folks typicaly are less worhty and get poor jobs, folks that are beauthfl or straight acting and appearing are a bit better.

I have resenements of myself for sis against other transgenders, there was a incidant in 2004 when one tried to use the bathroom at the bowling allewy and we messed her up, and had the trans-phobic Jefferson parish sheriffs office deputity on duty abuse her.

I hurt, because I understand others, and because ive been abused and the bauser, and broke the cycle

I have zero tollerance for

• Drunks

• Drug Addcits

• Rapests

• Those who abouse women and childern

• Those who cimmit hate crimes, and discrimanet againt GLBT folks

• Sex Offenders

• Child Abusers

• Criminals

• people who steal

• Dishonesty

• liers

• addits

• those without moral strandards

• right wing nut jobs

• far left wing nut jobs

• folks who are not on my level on intellicet

• people who bitch and comaplin and do nothing

• Folks that dont have any self-respect or manner

• folks with poor hygine

• messy people / pack rats

• folks who are overly sexual

• people who sell theiry body for sex for money

• people who arnt into manogimus rewlatisnhonships

There was not treatment place, or resouce I could turn to I had the spiritual awakeing to leave, I knew what I had to do for me, and myself alone, I knew what was right for me, I made the right choice for myself, and did the right thing for me

n

I today, I have work to do whuich I did but the nightmares, and what ever is wrong with me, I want the suffering to end, the agony of my pain. I have these memroies, feelings and emotions and I dont know whats right or wrong, real or not and I want justice, for my abuse, hate crime, by my co-workers, I am so tried of suffering, san francisco is a great city and side of life to see sober, but I want to end it, I shall, the upcming factors hurt, and hurt bad, I hurt so bad death and sucide, doesnt matter any more or have the eventrgy, I push on for a better life, maybbe alone, maybe not. I am tired and sick and tied of huring over and over again.

Maybe Ill feel better tommorw, I went to a GLBT meeting, and I hurt more off and on, I did some of my student aid, and my stress never ends, I am under massive stress and other issues, more and more and more

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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