The reality of my life and chapter to my own gnostic and self discovery and awareness, is the fact I know more about myself than I ever did before, I learned more and more about life myself, and where and who and what I am as an individual, I know more now than I knew before, I know who I am, and where and what I am as a person and where I want to be in life, I know more about myself I also know more about my interpersonal life.
I am feeling good I have a meeting planned this morning, I am hurting as of late, I have laundry on the agenda, after My early morning meeting this morning, I am, tired of more and more of what I do, and need to for myself and what must be done for my soul, and what I need to do for myself, I am tried of hurting folks sometimes are nasty to me, and I understand more about myself. I want more for my soul. I hurt my body is falling apart in the cold.
I miss my family and other folks, I hurt more and more for my soul, I also hurt more knowing what I must do, for my soul. I also remember what I must do for myself, and life and enlightenment. I also remeber stupid things I did before, and in Houston. My biggest resentment is myself, and actions. I hurt often but I look forward with high hopes and optimism for myself and interpersonal growth.
I started composing some letters I need to send to Houston (4th step) . I walked away, its the most adult thing I ever did my whole, Life, i felt unloved and alone there much as I do there, but I don't burn bridges here, I don't know why I hurt, I am smart, I also have a crush that I don't think would happen.
I discovered some more trans-phobia today when enjoying coffee more recently, some folks are nice to me, others are assholes, bitches and etc. I also just feel wok, The meetings make me feel better, i went to the doc on Thursday and talked about Christan and said the Prozac made my PTSD and depression worse, I hurt more and more. I also ran into a friend of mine recently, I am afraid of taking my trip soon as well, I feel overloaded more and more for my soul.
I push myself, hard, I have a plan to reach of enlightenment. I am a bit fearful of my trip, and angry of life and what I am as a person, progress not perfection, I wish I could share parts of my plan, but sometimes you have to make drastic choices during drastic measures. Maybe I will figure it out later today. I'm tried of this body, I'm tired of the physical and emotional pain, my health is in decline. And I am tried of hurting because I made others suffer. I was wrong and I have a plan to do some right with awareness, it might bring shame, but I would get my 15 seconds of shame. And make the history books, or at least contribute something more meaningful to the world awareness, fighting trans-phobia, and drawing attention to our cause.
I don't like the vigilantism spirit, or the pain, but on the other hand,. I need to vent and bitch the world wide web, at least maybe folks understand me or want to grow further in my faith and higher power\
The other factor is more of myself and reaching further enlightment for my inner soul and actions for myself. I know more for who and what I am as an individual and what Needs to be done for me, the path to progress not prefection, eating, resting, and remebering to access and think and use the 12-steps when angey or lonely and go to a meeting, and be honest and ask for help and admit defeat when I need to.
Regardless today I am greatful to have gone out with folks thismoring, to have a warm bed, a roof over my head, be sober, and well fed, and going to meetings I enjjoyed chapter 13 of the first edtion of the big book 4th edtion, I keep comeing back it works!
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
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http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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