The reality of life and what I do, is more. The reality of myself, and who I am is what I know more. The reality is what I know and who I know, is what I feel. I discovered myself. And my chapter to my own awaking. I slept good, no plumbing problems this morning in the bathroom, I got opt late late night 9:30 ish, and awoke around 3:45 AM (PST) this morning and continue to the path to enlightenment and inner peace.
The reality is, I look foward to the future, I accepted defeat, that I cant change the past, or resentments about the past. I cant change resentments toward, Houston Area Community Services, The Houston Transgender Unity Community, Chirtsan Williams, (HACS / Transgender)Antique, Victor, Carl. John, James, Elmadean, Tina, Henry, (Wal-Mart 3296) i ALSO know I have to let go, and with working on my resenemtns and starting over with-out repeating prior transgressions, I tdcidded to cancel and rebook, my trip ot phonix for the poruopse of transporting my truck and little proepty seince I purged and walked away.
Many years later, I shallk return to houston to make ammends, but First I must get some managaabilly in my life once again. I had a wondeerful womens meeting, our lady of safe way might get swapped for the Alano Club or The marinia Dock again.
I am unsure as to what I might do, but one day ata time, progress not prefection I make peace withmyself and chapter to my own gnositism.
4/21/2008
In other news, today I ate ok, some (gasp) fish even though vegan, to keep the bitch swithc off I shall, I further progressed and got my health back I have not been eating well sometimes doing a day or two with only a begal for lunch or so, and drinking to much coffee or to little water of fluids.
I supposed I am depressed, and stressed, but still sober. Today was ok as far as producativitey but semi lazy, I ahng out at the center a bit and took care of some leagl forms, and fincial ammends to people places and things in texas. I also found out someone I know from my party days is back in conty and going to huntsville on a 3rd strike for numrouis felonys.
I also found out more, about past things, and was a bit busy-body as I am very good at doing. I ate ok, rested, and took care of life. I further progressed into peace. I talked to ray, and thanked him, and asked for his plans of 50 years sober the golden soberity. I e-mailed ben some things.
I talked to danille a bit, and moved on but I have been being alone latey, Pushing folks away not calling, I think I found a sponsor that works for me, and I can be totally honest with. I also have a new crush to speak of, that I like, and I contunie further into enlighemnt even if at my nown scoail life a bit down, and mellowing out, and becomijgn less self-centered, needly and busy bodyish.
I love life, I just am leanening to live again, I had a salad recently and also saw another fucked up cracked out transtgender whom “knows me” I dont know you well, I dont asscoaite with people who drink use drugs or at least make a honest effort to stop. Its not my problem.
Maybe sometimes I am a cold-hearted bitch, but at least I admit my faults and admit my fact, and views are not mainstream GLBT or Transgender, or women or my LDS (former) faith.
TODAY went to our lady of safe way MB was disruptive, and carried a “CLUB” into the AA meeting, I stood, up and called 911- at 7:30 AM this morning and SFPD arrived at 8:15 way after the meeting, I am tired of not being safe this week, I have been bothered I hate when drunks hit on me, grope me or otherwise don't make me feel safe inside the church which I attended meetings, I saw Ben is morning who is going to Houston for a conference, which I told to say hi to old friends, and aqauinaces, and gave him some resources to use.
In other news, I slept well had a wonderful shower, yesterday was somewhat productive, I am planning my trip amongst other factors, I also have to pick up my MUNI fastness soon as well. And have much to do, I checked mail some of the Trucks Tax documents were enclosed.
I understand moving, and geographics is stressful for sobriety, but I understood, like hell as selfish and cold hoarded and even as MB was this morning, that could be me, and furthermore I have no Hard feelings toward my biggest resentment myself, but To be damned if I admit defeat to those I associate ith me becoming a drunk.
I am acoutnbale for how I deal with it the meeting is deviled with this. I am tried of MB coming to the meetings drunk with booze in the back pocket, why the fuck should I change where I go to meetings, the next step is to contact the church administration about my concerns, I am not going to let this go. Just as I was in the past, I now am put in a simaulr suituion. I go there to be safe, and sober, and around someone who day after day, drinks, uses, bums coffee and gets out the cold, to use over and over again, AA isn't really the place, county jail or a detox, is the place. And yes I am afraid and no I will not sit idle, that's how I rashionaled my drinking, acts of violence, and other affairs.
You cant help someone that doesn't want it, but you can send them to jail, maybe they will have their moment of calory maybe not, I am powerless over someone's choice not to be sober, but if My safety and sobeeeirty and someone armed with a potetnional deadly weapon and drinking, needs to stop, I will take this where ever it needs to go, how ever far it goes. I don't have a problem, with MB I have a problem with Mbs actions, and behaviors, much as others did with me.
The irony, I'm going to stop my eating disorder thing, take better care of myself. And move forward. I need another meeting, because my meeting is bound by threats of valiance; that stupid far left liberals, try to forgive, why the fuck should I by cookies out of the goodness of my ehart to slow chronic active drug users and drugs to sit in a meeting, that obviously daunt want to change they want coffee, shelter from the cold, and food and go back out again, fuck that shit, Id rather maybe a moment t of sober and reality in jail would give them desire to stop. Maybe getting beat up by law enforcement would help.
It worked in my case, I realized I wore out my welcome and moved forward. Maybe others need a moment of clarity as well.
In any matter a huge vegan lunch nis ion order, I have some banking and other forms to print later at the center, I have a appointment with some civil legal matters and move on with my life, plus soon a trip to the DPS office is in order. Caio.
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
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