Wednesday, May 28, 2008

The further update of myself, and life where I want to go, I talked to Manny in Houston, and my grandmother about she finally understood, about why I have to take this truck. I know more about where I have to go, and found some parking and commuter; I think I force a bay area lover who commutes from the suburbs or neighboring counties.

I also yesterday met someone yesterday just a s fucked up as me, or I used to be, when I binge drank, I like watching folks fucked up, which is why I took steps for a internship and training in possibly going into social work, but still pursuing the IT and web development, when I take my trip I might say HI to christen, or offer to make amends in space city. However, if I am asked to leave, I will respect her wishes, per good request and being smart.

I figured out someone who is transgender whom flops between San Francisco, and Houston. (I’m good at not minding my own business) sometimes years ago, before I started drinking, and dealing with my TG issues, I was insecure never thinking I was attractive when I was 350+ lubs now I’m almost back down to 160 lbs again, and loving it

It hurts more to be brave, sexy, attractive, young, smart and with a potential stealth or bright future. I know she still cares even if she is just following orders from HACS’s and outweighing the greater need, of the community and much as my father, I may have lost forever, with no hard resentments.

Fuththermore, I discovered about myself, I like helping others, I am selfish, sometimes it’s my way or the highway, someone else commented on my assertiveness, and security of self, and who I am as an individual.

I further discover more about my soul, and who I am. I also think more about self-termination but I right it, because if I can’t manger those painful feelings and emotions, I will wind up drunk, jail, prison, hospital, or fuck up my body, and loose respect further, and I know folks care, some AA’s are selfish and I don’t take it personally, I’ve learned not to be such the big gossip, and further protect anonymity more.

Sometimes part of my blog is true part is fiction, to protect folks anonymity and as a semi-out the closet AA, I’ve had folks when I mentioned my AA they never pictured me as a drunk, it amazes me stereotypes, and how people are so overly judgmental, myself included.

I learned something about myself more, Its difficult for me to do things, I am much more open to suggestions, but prefer abusive co-dependant friendships, relatshionships, roommates, partners, etc.

The blackouts, I am expranceing are possibly stress related, lack of sleep, not eating enough combined with major physical activity, and flashbacks to Wal-Mart, Hurricanes Katrina, Rita Wilma, storm recovery work, my abuse at home, and resentments toward bad things I did to positional friends to the end.

I feel as if I ruined my life, I feel as if it’s over , I lost everything, and everyone I cared about, or they don’t accept me because I got tired of playing by their rules, I am angry at my mother whom is difficult to fight with because she died, I blame my father for things because out the two he is still around, I feel as if some of my lies, abuse in childhood by a family member, was a result of my parents lying, cheating and using each other and putting little me in the middle of their bickering.

I resent being raised in Louisiana, I resent not being raised someplace more progressive, I resent my mother and father for that, I resent HJM for some early child hood events. I resent some of my right-wing up bring, Houston made more liberal, the culture shock, work stress, abuse I overloaded drank, became a AA from an AL-anon, and had and left hell, and brushed with death between 2005-2008.

I resent my Latter Day Saint religious cure all conversion, but brought me in touch with a higher power belief system which I didn’t have or not have, but I had unseal ideals, views, and viewpoints which were not the best or positive or affirming, for myself or others. I resent other things

I slept good last night, awoke at 3am, this mooring showered, cloned up dressed, a trip to the storage place (one of them is on ruder today, as possibly some shopping, just normal consumables)

Even more intresting in my exciting to dull, dramatic, to pain jane life, is I have a doctors appointment, a few resumes, and leads to follow on, some trip planning, trip burdgenting, and a few other things to plan out, I found a possibly good parking routine where I don’t have to be insane about it, I also don’t want to share it with many folks because best of all, its largely free, and its in s safe place, but I have to move it every so often, and Might bring it into the city on occasion as well.

I look forward to driving my Ford Ranger exd cab 4 door FX4, with the termor Audio system / MP3 and disc changer, 4x4,and a 5.0 SHO Engine that’s supercharged, and limited slip front and rear axels, and class III hitch electric brake control, 4:1 axel ratio and automatic transmission and automatic transfer case

I look forward to 2500 miles of open road camping, wind in my hair in my open adventure back to Califorisnia, and progression into enlightment, I look forward to having to obscces, and have my pick em truck run my life, as far as parking until , I find something more permante with work, life, and hosuing possibly in the east bay.

But I am sober, I have that choice, I want to attracted the right people, places and things while powerless, I have to change myself, outlook, attuide, and how I carry myself, to further progress, into happy, and get my life back.

Right now this is my time, repairing the shithole of damage I did, contuniing, one day at time, progress not perfection, Moving on and leeting go. Admit so submission, and get freedom form my insane bondage.

Sending some checks mail, going to the post office, doctors office, and a few other errands. Have a few other things to do, plus some pointing, deposted some revenue into the bank yesterday as well.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger