The reality as of late, I have been a utter bitch to fellow friends of bill w, I am scared shit less, my PTSD and flashbacks to hurricane Katrina, my sexual assault, abuse by co-workers, workplace discriamntion, sins against other GLBT folks, sins against other Transgender.
I just want equity and some degree of stealth, I hate living someplace with so many TG folk, I long term urn from working from 5th wheel in the mountains of Montana, with my big diesel guzzling 4x4 pickup truck, being a full time river, and coming to San Francisco, or living in rural northern California.
I had another female show interest in me, right now I am going though some spiritually tough times, I have been a utter bitch, and being very overly judgmental and stereotypical. I was wrong, and have a step letter to compose to a few folks, CCC-Dan, Frank-The dock, the alano club.
I feel unwelcome, its not other people, not being screamed at, hit or when I am is utterly traumatic, I just need to find inner peace, which I am doing better at., My therapist and I discussed finding balance, the young guy at the community center, talked to more I printed my name change documents, and I might have more to do, I've also though given my many contacts, friends and aquances, i might (again) follow in my mothers footsteps to get work and maybe transfer back to san Francisco, still stay a san Francisco resident.
As of late, I feel a bit well moody, it hurts with some of my friends I self destructed, I have had flashbacks to my past, and resentments, yet I am still sober, I also finally convinced my doctor to get me a MRI and CATscan I am deeply concerted about my blackouts and memory loss, I am in great health to diseases, and strong and fit as an ox. I am not infected with any sexually transmitted deceases, or have ever done prostration.
I know what I want, I am assertive, here are some e-mails from various local San Francisco residents, as well as an observation from chapter 2 of the BIG Book of AA
Chapter 2 Of the AA “Big Book” pg 19+20
“Most of us since that our real tolerance of other peoples shortcomings and viewpoints and a respect for their opinions are attitudes which make us more useful to others. Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers depend upon our constant thought for others and how we may meet their needs”
My lately actions, inaction's while border rlineing on the dry drunk, on myself, and the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, I have some server trauma which not an acceptable excuse, I need to be alone and deal with some of these issues, and physical health problems, conventional centers, and my tendency to become codefendant are not healthy, and there for being alone outside the needs of the other few, are in my and everyone else best interest.
I also love more of myself, and share more of my inner peace, I need to rest and eat more, met someone else again with ties to Houston I also like giving more back and charity, I plan to rerun to visit, one day but Not live, but with my 5th wheel RV and big diesel 4x4 pickup truck is all I want in life. San Francisco's Heyday has come and gone.
Progress not perfection one day at a time, peace has grown a bit again, I also have some appointments and let my dirty laundry is my misspelt youth and coming out in Houston, I love more of myself, life and need to work on my co-dependacy issues. I also hurt remembering the fork-lift accident, and truck accident many eons ago, I also have to do something about my debits, and possibly declare bankruptcy, I don't ever see myself getting out of the hole I am stuck, though I have tired 30,000 is bad to be in debit. Which started as a 10,000 is Debit, though is growing due to two unsavory creditors, I might still be able to get out of the hole as I am able, and willing, though its rough.
I have resentments toward some folks, and find I don't like some folks here but I have to learn tod ela again, I have another person that wants to lease server space via FTP on my web server and host a few small paps, which proviso promising, per say.
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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