Wednesday, May 21, 2008

The reality of myself, and self-discovery and whom I am as an individual, where I want to go tonight and in life, is odd and obscure. As of late, I have been a bit close to muddy waters of the past and dangerous resentment.

I have to move on for fuck sake, I hurt badly, and am tired of fucking same old bullshit, I must move on-ward a productive discussion with MLS just across the bay was very very enlightening and productive, and I moved forward for myself. I know what I must do for myself, and where I need to go.

I must move onward, I rested well, ate ok, and attended a job fair with some success, the employer I wanted was not present, but I moved onward, my former co-depending NAM almost like a Nazi, controlling freak, and despite the fact just as close friends (and later adamantly I wanted more) she used me, was controlling and very co-depend, and Negative and had negative effects to my program.

I wish I knew why I prefer friendships, which are negative and close friendships that are as well. I don’t like it, I have someone else in mind but moved onward, I have to make progress and move forward in my life, for fucking sake I’ve been here almost 6 months, I am becoming old, I had my rest and recharged a bit, a meeting is in order today, and worse I totally forgot to call my sponsor today, I fucked up bad today. Tomorrow I am back in the saddle again (not like Travis tritt) but close, surprise, surprise I am back again.

My flight to MSY in Aug is ongoing as the drive back to SFO and gosh darn it I am going to pick up my chip. I might visit MM, as well, I told her I would look her up when I am in town, self-acceptance and awareness.

NAM was very un-healthy for me, other than being close friends, it was not feeling that way, I did not fell respected, and I felt used, and abused and controlled. I also found out on my visit to SJIM that some stereotypes and information is wrong, her work ethic, sleeping patterns and goals in life, are very un-realistic, drastically different, and un-healthy for my Capricorn individuality true to my brith roots.

NAM can be controlling, demanding, minulipilkaive, abusive, co-dependant, and well odd and obscure. I think I might have a good fit, and my life doesn’t revolve around going to church, aa meeting to hook up with a star-stuck unrealistic life, of a husband. Blah she is so neivie, but I learned in meetings, I am powerless over other people, palces and things.

Bad things happen to good people for a reason, in obscurity I saw the book about Gnosticism, written by a rabbi, I also ran into LDS missionaries again today, and the job fair was somewhat Productive and myself esteem, and confidence is boosted, the problem is I grow tired of being alone, and I have come close to burning out into mental obscurity, and potentionaly death.

Nevertheless, I am secure, and optomisictc, I sometimes being sicker than others, prefer to hang out around those that don’t have what I have, After all I was an al-anon at one time before I started binge drinking in texas, despite never going to an AL-anon meeting,.

MLS was correct, I may have ruined any chances at having a relatshionshoip with MCG despite, my intentions I have resentments toward him, and even my Mother KMG, I am powerless over that, maybe after I pick up my 2 year chip (being optimistic) I’ll let things cool off. I was wrong to slander him on the phone (MCG) or look him up.

I feel in love with the city, and also want more of myself, and continue to progress, and enlighten in my soul. I also want more for myself, all or nothing in controlling my inner bitch, while keeping progress, enlighten power and balance of the above staying in Zen, working my own personal program, and own personal Jesus Christ.

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Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
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