Tuesday, May 20, 2008

The reality of myself, the reality about my life. I have not slept as well, I missed my train this moring and had to reset my apointment, my health is ok, The dizzyness, confusion, and misunderstadning and blured vision, and dislexia, is scaray. I talked to my wonderful sponsor. The reality of myself, I am still sober, and contunie to progress, and still grow in myself.

I know who I am and know what, I am, I know I don’t have to drink on my airline flight, I don’t have to drink on my drive back to san Francisco from New Orleans International, I might visit my folks, friends, and go to the NOLA Lamba Center, and also pick up my 1 year chip ta Lamba Houston, Visit Phoxix, and Los Angeles, or I might just go through Oklomaha, and bypass old slipperly places, where the wiskey drowns to the oasis, and firneds in Low Places. But I am going to fire up my pick up truck and let all 385 horsepower roll, but not have the wiskey, and smoke, but maybe the women, Get down turn around back to San Francisco.

I reset my appointment, also Have a legal clnic to attend to for transgender women, I also know for me,and what My body needs.

On top of that I was offed on a forum, it sucks, that I can understand I am having verbal and some writien commucation problems, I am afraid of my health, but I am fighting this and for my indpedance, the nightmares have started again. I feel I am flipping out, I am also very afraid, and probelly going to stay alone, until the doctor figures out whats wrong, the blackouts scare the shit out of me, dearly, I admit to being afraid. I also know it turns people off, I cant understand where time goes, sometimes on a task I feel confused doing a task over and over. I am afraid, I don’t understand whats wrong with me.

I also have a trip to the IRS office, to deal with some tax issues, I feel as if my body does not have the entergy, I almost passed out again today. But I have faith things will get better slowly but surely one day at time. The doctors think its stress, lack of sleep, eating, and general just major stress and pressure and deadlines, and learning to cope with life again without drinking.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

I feel as if my helath is better, but my body is falling apart, I am alive outside, but dead in soul. I remember things, painful things I need not remember, physical, emotiuonal tramma, and also the dizziness, and blackouts, like I am on a boat in rough tides, I feel lost at sea, when I walk and move, I am very afraid.

It hurts, I have this anger, rage, and emotions built up, and my mind is slipping sometimes, It scares me deeply, that I haven’t lost my marbles yet. I got sober and than Have to deal with this bullshit, why the fuck me?

Anyway, I am going to get through this, one day at a time, the nightmares have started, the nausuia, the blurred vision, confusion, loss of words, on pen and paper, I feel I am getting sick, theres something wrong with me and the doctors, cant figure out what, they agreed to do a blood work, MRI and Catscan, regardless, I am going to take my trip against medical advise, I must keep moving and do what I need to do for me, a trip to the post office, and maybe the IRS today might be in order.

I admit I am depressed, some days I eat once a day, and I have an eating disorder, But I am fighting this, and I am not going to drink, I am buring bridges, but at least I am aware of it and respecting bounderies, I just feel so sick, and I don’t want to drink, and I also feel dizzy and have trouble visually, vebraly focusing, which is why I compose some here, and some elsewhere, for my doctors or incase I become incapasetaed, I feel my health is delicneing, I feel Like I am dieing of something, and the doctors cant find out what. Something is physicaly wrong with me, some think its stress, which could be correct.

I just want the suffering to end, one way or another.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger