Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Gratitude list:

1.) I am grateful to have friends, aquances, family who cares about me both in San Francisco, Houston, New Orleans

2.) I am grateful for being able to get up and wake up at 2am every morning (pacific time) to go to a meeting and take very good care of my self in appearance and hygiene matters

3.) I am greaful to be able to be willing to be open to other people’s ideas, and suggestions and less well selfish

4.) I am grateful for my sponsor, whom is firm, someone I feel admitting things I don’t feel as comfortable admitting to the general public.

Today was productive I didn’t quite wake up as early but was up around 3am, sitting up waking up stretching at 3:05, out of bed by 3:20, in the shower by 3:30 and undressed, washed myself, hair, than out the shower by 4:00, fixed my face, groomed, etc by 4:30, dressed by 5:20 and out of the door early.

Slept better didn’t quite wake up as early 4am is my limit to get on with life, I am hard on myself, sometimes physically, I use by body sometimes like a jeep wringer Sahara with the Rubicon package , rugged, but stylish, but utilitarian when necessary, I am what I drive as well I suppose, for that matter.

I further did more for myself, I was quiet lately I’ve been alone, I admit I have a lot of hate in my blood, not against any people, place and thing, maybe just wondering why me, and where do I go from here to t

I do resent myself deeply, maybe that’s why sometimes I eat just a few slickness of bread a day, don’t drink much water and run myself hot sometimes, I hurt in my soul, I bleed pain, it’s not normal to not have panic and disorder, Its weird, I accept what and who I am, but I learned to accept in under less than ideal conditions.

Today in a meeting, I saw a TG person whom I’ve seen around messed up, quiet didn’t say anything, why the fuck did she have to sit next to me, I was pretty selfish, and didn’t want to be bothered, so I got up and moved, it was wrong, and maybe I should have been more welcoming, but I am not in the sprits today.

Truth be told the openness, diversity and some liberal things I disagree with (California, Origean, Washington state Drug Policy for one) But talking to Mr. Hill over the weekend, suggested that the reality is, there’s no easy or right or wrong answer to a very deversitvfied, and widespre3ak and unique on each individuals problem.

I don’t want to grow old to be a selfish, cold hearted bitch, maybe I need more peace, in myself, and through process, and I will attract it more, the reasoning of gratitude. I can attract the right element. I am resentful of someone, and others, and need some time alone, to hurt and sort things out in my emotions.

I admit, I am not perfect, but I want progress and perfection, I want something more, but I know what I don’t want. Moreover, I know there is something I do not want to face.

CW is getting her dream, her shelter, I wish I could face her, I know despite my prior actions and hell, she still cares, and I know it, but I hurt to bad, I fear if I contacted her at this point I would relapse, or maybe not she has like 10 or 20 years, I dodnt even know, others business are not my priority, its why I walked away.

Truth be told I don’t know anymore, what I want, I don’t know myself, I need to find myself, I don’t know what I belvied, for too long I went around family, religious or other ideals. Moreover, it with my drinking, and destruvite actions nearly got me killed.

I have to go to the post office, than I have a support meeting I might go to, and a few other things, I also have to go to my MINI storage, and am doing laundry at the present moment. Called DLG and PMG yesterday, blah.

I might do two meetings today given how I feel.

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Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
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