Monday, May 26, 2008

I recently found out something about myself, I don’t know myself. All of my life others have inspired my ideas, personality and individually, I am in some physical pain, My back aches, My head aches, I had another sober memory loss last night again. I have blackouts and unaccounted time and experiences.

It scares the shit out of me, loosing time, and being lost in space, feeling dizzy and lightheaded, I look forward to the doctor’s appointment more so. I also can move on, I think, I’m still so unhappy, it’s not that I can’t let go, its I don’t know how to accept myself, love myself, I am happier with my self-image and body, but I am insecure, I don’t know how to be a posti9ve influence as a transgender-woman, I don’t know what I like or dislike, I don’t know who I am, I found that with booze, in various Houston, Dallas, Austin, New Orleans, baton Rouge, and San Francisco bars during a week long black out that I had a flashback.

I don’t know how to ask for help, I can deal with people and :wing it, but truth be told I have mixed feelings and emotions and I don’t know much, about me, myself and I. I know what I want, I know where, I want to go, but I do not know much of that beyond my inner self.

I don’t know what I like or dislike, it’s sort of like breaking free of the matrix, I am a liar, I don’t know myself, I don’t know what I agree with, I feel drastically shocked with the change in culture, I mean I like it here, but I don’t, I’m not sure who I am.

Lately I’ve been feeling if I can’t learn to love and live again, I would rather self-terminate my suffering, possibly by a self-inflected gunshot wound, possibly jumping off a river oaks office tower or high-rise parking garage in Houston, or maybe just taking a drive off a cliff or something.

But obviously I don’t want that, I almost got death, and something, someone, the flash of light, my mother, and other deceased family members, I want to be with, I honestly have been ashamed I feel banished from Houston, My drinking and self-destructive actions ran me out of the Houston TG community. It hurts, I hate most of them here, I wish I was welcome, I feel home sick, I mean I love SFO, I wish I could be given a chance, but I am not welcome there.

I feel as if I don’t want pity, charity or handout, but I want a chance, I want to have love and compassion for myself, others, education and employment, I am Kind inside.

Christen did so much for me, even when I was so nasty and mean and hateful, and I can’t publicly admit it here, It’s not even about the attraction to her, I hurt, I bleed in pain, similar to how batman became batman, I bleed in agony like a vampire, my soul burns with the essence of time.

I feel old I am 27, lost, hurt, and resentful. I know I need to lift my spirits up in intellectuality, and I will attract more positive affirming actions, but I can’t. I’ve thought of late, that death, after a year sober, or maybe I’ll push that up to 18 months, or maybe 2 years.

I’ve had enough to drink, I am tired of attempting to take things such as Prozac (which made me insane) and other things which made me sick, sleepy or drunk, or stabling over, or drugs such as sera quill, which I had an auto collision as a result.

I am sick and tired of feeling despite I push myself so hard, crashing on folks beds, sleeping on peoples SROs floors, shelters, and sometimes hotel rooms due to colds, flu or sickness. I am still sick in my heart, and head, I think highly of christen, yet I fear her, I can let go, I did, but I have nightmares about just how much I hurt.

My understanding I don’t stand a chance in hell, Trans folks are so cool, nice and lookout for each other, I became drunk, violent, and threating, and abusive even with christens kindness, and others. I fear of going back into those actions.

I feel I am held to utterly high standards as myself, and viewed by my family as a fuckup, and failure but they love me, I feel others feel I have no future, I feel I am a burden to loved ones, and might become such to future generations.

I miss my mother, I wish she was here with me, and could help me, and others. I love myself, and feeling. She and my father were both pretty labial, I even shut my father out. I shut myself out and away, maybe I am prepared to give up with a leap of faith, obviously, I almost had the death by law enforcement epxeracne, and I don’t like meeting that or the drama.

I resent the fact my mother left my feather I grew up in Harvey, LA and other Louisiana and southern towns, I like the weather but because of my drinking the cold aches my numours scars, tazer marks, my forklift accident, and bones and joins form years of hot summers in blue-shit jobs.

I struggle to put food in my mouth some days, I clasped due to my eating disorder, I admit fault, It’s not about not having food, its food that deals with my unique dietary requirements, and sometimes, I just don’t feel I deserve a basic human need.

I walked away from a lot I had, It was made clear to me, that I was not to be allowed at any Houston or HACS or any event endorsed with the Transgender community in Houston, It was made clear to me, that I was unwelcome, and if I attended any events the police would be called, and I would have a restraining order against me, I respect that I did this to myself, I left because of that.

I don’t like to share the hardships I have endured, but I realized finding my true self and inner peace was more important than anything else, I walked away from all, for the simple life, maybe I’ll die on the streets, shelters, friends sofa, or just from burnout or self-termation.

My truck, family, martial things are important but myself, I don’t want to bottom out, the fear of being old, on the streets babbling to myself alone, in panic and terror is wrong, the fear of dying like carniamby, the fear of not seeing violence, drama, abuse, or war, or destruction is normal to me, being open and accepted scares me a lot.

When the police kick someone’s ass I like to watch, when something catches on fire, I like to watch, I learned to accept myself with brutality against me, committing against others, and it is normal to me.

,

I still have nightmares about the gulf coast, New Orleans, Wal-Mart (Enrique, hennery, victor, Carl, elm dean, john, James, tino, )

All I want is equal treatment, but I feel old, despite 27 is still relatively young, its well getting old. It hurts when your family members who you love, and love you don’t support gay marrage, don’t agree with my follish destrive ways but more ironcly still love me. I don’t know anymore. Im the last of my family tree, Ive accepted maybe just maybe Ill die soon, here in sanfranicso, age 28 seems unreachable.

People find me intretsing I get numbers meet folks, than I crawl into my bat cave, and Im not victm, but I just want the suffering to end, and I think it will, even if at my own terms, on my way. I don’t contact them I self destruct, and well sometimes I just quit calling, or don’t call them or call them back.

My mother and I are so much alike, currently I look a lot like a photo of a 20 something version of my mother here in San Francisco, before she had me and met my father, whom I as well as Christen Williams have also ruined prenatally, and I resent his lies he told the foster family and folks In Louisiana, to save his pocket book, some folks told tales before they died, that worked for the state department of human services.

I knew I could not come out due to my co-depencacy, being a sex worker or having to scares me to death, I don’t want that, I would rather die than have sex with a man, for money or not. In addition, I would not degrade myself like that. I’m more asexual, I don’t even like other (preop) transgender or some, a lot out here scare me,

I’ve wanted to call christen, I obtained through my social engineering skills her number yet again, I wish I could have to courage to leave a message, but I can’t, I wish I could see her and hug her, but I ruined my public opnion of myself.

I only want to be loved, and I know I am, but I’ve leered to lie, use folks, and well I don’t think Ill, ever have SRS or a normal life, despite at times being attractive physically, and as a person, and emotionally, and kind.

I see myself as 27 years down the drain, I feel I am to utterly high standards, when I was forced to do more things by HJM as a child that I didnd twna to because I was to queer, or fairy, I was razed by ultra right GOP folks, I don’t know what I believe, I joined the LDS church as a convert to cure my feelings and only caused me further harm and agony, I ran into a member today at Safeway, that I knew. Moreover, the BYU and Utah plates and others were a dead giveaway, and various phrases such as CTR or return with honor was a giveaway to a prior member

I don’t know how to interact or live, I am a bag of bones in this body, I feel like my time is running out I might extend my life to 18 months sober or 2 years, but at the minimal my sobertiday date and year aneveray of July 13 2007- July, 13-2008

San Francisco has its perks but is rough, I am grateful christen might be finally getting her shelter and center, but too little too late. I have the potential to live in stealth, but don’t see it happening. I wish I could be a client of hers, but again I felt it was made clear to me I was unwelcome, but I never really completely heartily asked, I have a lot of blackouts and emotions from my drinking.

I’ve also as opposed to suicide, been thinking of robbing a bank, than getting caught, at the bank, than on a interview if the FBi doesn’t give me the max time and allow me to go to federal prison, Commit a offense that You don’t have the freedom to joke about, the one thing in your 1^st amendment rights you can’t say, even just as a joke is a crime, with the us marshals and secret service, the world’s most powerful person, and our trusted leader. Given already I am on thin ice, which I state; I am a patriot and love my country even if I do not like the way it is going politically. However verbal, written acts are take very, very seriously and could be an act to get a very very long time in isolation and solitude in SUPERMAX, and to be alone without outside contact get to sleep all day, and have veg meals. And just rest, what more could I ask for.

That are just some thoughts plus I’m bitchy from losing something last night from a blackout, I’m going to get a MRI and Catscan referral, I’m worried I damaged my left frontal lobe or frontal lobe more than at birth right here across the bay in Oakland.

I wish I could ask for christen, I wish I had a community to be a part of, the folks here suck a bit. I duno, I feel like I am unwelcome on HACS, or at any TG event, I wish I could be welcome, I wish I could be an early client of the TG shelter, but I think not. I wish I could ask if HACS and Christen would help me not out of pity, or charity but helping another girl out of kindness but not pity. Maybe eventfully Ill get the security to directly contact someone but mostly not.

I sort of have a sad, depressing plan of action that well ends not so favbolary to me alone, but no one else is harmed directly, but indirectly, and maybe I’ll share more later, but I want to hang in there, and fight this feelings, and stay sober.

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Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
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