10-13-2008
The reality is I continue to grow as an individual; I slept ok no nightmares last night. Doing well with my spirituality, prayed this morning to a god of my own understanding, continue to grow as a person and individual.
Further noting with my dream log, I did not have any nightmares last night about my hurting, or my recent loss of a loved one. Was able to talk to Gayle McAuliffe and Odessa McAuliffe today and catch up to speed on things.
Further documenting my so-called-life I did some home work for therapy today, tomorrow have a doctor’s appointment in the wee hours of the morning in The east bay, and have to drop off some crap and pick up some crap from the MS, I also have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow evening, and to check the PMB, and Box. I also have to restive some documents from storage.


Gratitude List
1.) Grateful to be sober 1 year, 3 months today.
2.) Grateful to have family in San Francisco & New Orleans who cares
3.) Grateful to have Friends & Family In Houston, Dallas, New Orleans, Austin, and San Francisco who care
4.) Grateful to be progressing in moving on for my resentments in Houston.
5.) Grateful to have food, clothing and shelter
6.) Grateful to be 4 days coffee and and back on my strict diet, and working back into my fitness routine.


Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Slept well last night, Continue to grow as an individual, and prosper as a person and grow as a individual. Zero nightmares last night, dreamed of life, again, I remember when a year or two ago I saw no hope no future, Just the bottle, and chrome desert eagle. Moreover, sin and anger, and resentment. I also remember many nights alone, in Texas brown fields, utility corroders, abandoned warehouses, factories, plants, mills listening to led zeppelin, patsy cline, Johnny cash, dépêche mode, Metallica, brooks & Dunn, Kenny, Little Texas, Elvis, George strait, Ministry, The cure, The clash, the Ramones, misfits, etc.
With no hope in sight, the pain, death or prison in sight, I wanted to spare the world, I still have those feelings but see hope and a future, I talk about them more, My trauma, my rape, my hate crime which the only person still hurting is me, my bullies moved on. I wonder everyday when I awake if it will be my last is that man going to beat the shit out of me?
I was very angry and tough for a long time, I have grown more and more disgusted with the United States of America and its greedy capitalistic, views, concerning, pissing off allies, making wars, and even thought about marrying or leavening the country I have no future for a government that hates me, and refuses to accept me the most basic human rights
I know what and understand the anger toward the USA that individuals such as timothy McVeigh, and other notable terrorist domestic and international but I value life and don’t advocate murdering others, however I think the government murdered the Branch Divisions in Waco.
Nevertheless, I know how it feels to be angry enough to put a bomb on your chest or fly a airplane into the twin towers, which 9-11 was actually an inside job by the lies to the American people. It was blown, just as Katrina was a test for the 1984 police state of the future.
My views are a bit radical, and often I am viewed as a nut job. But I would not hurt anyone, I advacte3 peaceful protesting, nor do I want to be a revolutionary. Nevertheless, I speak my past and where I have been, today I just want peace, and chance at a normal life but the US doesn’t have any protections for young women such as myself.
The reason I want to work at Larkin Street is to help youth given I understand what it’s like to want sex, drugs and rock and roll, queer, lesbians, trans, bisexual, religion nut jobs, you can’t be any more strict than Mormon, or latter day saint. I know why kids run away from home to live the California dream, and want to help them kick their addictions, habits and prevent them from contracting HIV in street work or get hooked on drugs.

The point is Progress not perfection, one day at time, not rushing things I grow as a person, and would love to carry the message to others, perhaps my number one resentment and I christen Williams and I are more alike, she sobered up in her mid 20s as well, perhaps Ill follow in her footsteps, I do miss Houston I wish I could return, I don’t like most of the trainwomen here threes one right now in my life not by choice, who is arrogant and I think has other problems than just gender stuff and might not even me TG.

She doesn’t pass very well, has a loud mouth voice, and is well very miniplive and mean to real women. And a bully sort of remind you of where I was, and I think she turns tricks something I never did, or the drugs part however I did abuse my hormones from time to time.
I cleaned up and remember where I was perhaps some of it may be bias, and resentment toward someone else she reminds me of.

It was much easier more dramatic to run a load of Mexicans across the rio Grande, or assume labiality for firearms across the border, or work as a bagwoman and enforcer for a loans shark, the only thing I ever did in the adult indisustiry was as a phone sex operator, or as a dominatrix whom did fetishes but did not do sex. Maybe I had respect for my body.

Perhaps my issue with this anger I had and work on is I think I’m better and wish to shut the door on it but I cannot, I need to carry my message of what I have, I would much rather be a diesel dyke, or dyke cop, but don’t see that in my future at this point. With my record, background or other factors it is harder but not impossible to find work.
Even with the temp work I’ve done and polecat campaigns, as well as some of my student clients. I feel well and like a good person in search of a better life and the California and American dream, one day at a time.

Perhaps If I am able to work at Larkin street I would be able to share my experiences straight and hope with young people some in my generation and get to work with transom and queer youth

Gratitude List
1.) Grateful to have this opportunity with larkin street youth services.
2.) That I have people who care about me in Oakland, Berkeley, San Francisco, Houston, Dallas, Austin and New Orleans
3.) That I am sober
4.) That I have a program
5.) That Ill be able to make a meeting today
6.) That I am Meeting with my friend later today
7.) That my father is IN San Francisco and I want to win his aproveal in the long run and understand we need time apart right now
8.) That my father accepts me for being transgender
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Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
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