Progress not prefection

Thursday, December 18, 2008

I Slept well, had toast and coffee this morning, I have some code I want to write, I’m meeting some of my faineance goals, I also plan to lay low for a while as well. I saw the SFPD Officer who mistreated me in Jan 26,th 2008 didn’t even reconsider me, was very nice and didn’t even know I was TS keep in mind this is the most redneck, son of a bitch SFPD Officer I ever encountered.

I moved on from my resentment toward him, I made a complaint to the Office of citizen complaints, and put it to my own personal Jesus.

Furthermore, an Investment for a new computer is in the works, or an additional laptop. I also applied for two apartments not sros, this week where I can live all alone and cook. I also ran into a old friend, who wanted me to go to LA with him, to run high power assut typefirearms, from just some guy who likes me between a source in east Oakland and also the guy whom deals in high power handguns near civic center. I declined, I am going legit. And have been out of my shady past for long enough where Im safe.

Recently at the San Francisco Public Library I got my hands on a copy of the Sunday Houston Chronclie and red something in an advice column which is one of my former sponcess who is a chronic relapser for 20 years, Her well to do parents want to cut her out of their estate, its sad its like the 4th person I noticed that I knew the details seince going straight

When Fishing season starts I might try to get work down at the docks, which also I know a few rough and tough guys, Last night much to my displeasure, I learned more about drugs in AA and in san Francisco than when I was in the club scene, I never did illegal drugs, though one time a guy slipped me a Mickey.

Ideally I think IM going to take the cab drivers class and end the co-dependency, and other issues. I miss my ex-girlfriend in the East Bay, she took advange of my financially over a summer romance, we never even slept together but we shared a bed, cuddled and had some amazing conversations but I was foolish enough to get attached to someone I knew I was not compatible, I think she moved, and do worry about her.

In addition, The SF weekly has a great article about the shady folks in Fisherman’s wrf, Yetesterday I listened to some struggling women talk about drugs, post cards, It odd with my present cirmstances and sometimes having to reach out for help, I know a lot about The San Francisco Underworld, I don’t spend my free time in it. I went legit.

I sent the e-mail to christen per my sponsors request, I also removed some content via Google and other parts which to make amends with my Latter Day Saint Past. Given my online activism had YSAWARD.COM shut down, much to the disgust of my former Mormon Sisters and Brothers. I also found out me leaving had other lesbians in my ward come out, or may have been instrumental, in doing such, the one thing my father has told me seine relocating to SF is “I am a increbatilve brave woman” he is correct. I am brave, and my suffering and agony is what keeps me brave.

I had a friend with a Law enforcement background do a bit more digging on my father. If he ever relapses and hits or does anything to his new wife, I will see to it that I do everything in my power that he spends the rest of his life in San Quentin. He has never done right by me, his rejection towards me even if just given some things I told him a few years ago. Has made it where, to if I ever get partnered, adopt kids, or anything else, I don’t want him around me, as well as his lies about my mother doing coke, and the lies he made when I was eighteen and in foster care.

I was given the 411 on the true nature of his visit, on a former caseworker’s deathbed, due to an illness a few years ago, I drove to Louisiana, and the caseworker had files they kept after leaving. He is a lier, and if I ever find out her abuses his new wife, I am to do everything to make sure he given his age dies in prison, because it’s not the first time. I don’t trust him, and he is still doing wrong by me, I gave up on him a new year is amongst us and I have many resolutions.

1>) Get a NEW place to live alone, or buy into a better c-op
2.) get working part time maybe as a cab driver
3.) go back to school and get the IRS issues taken of, as well as the articles of incorporation sent to the collage for various finance accounts
3.) Buy a new laptop for collage in the summer



Furthermore, I found out something else about someone I hurt that I am jealous of, our bad beef and everything nasty, mean and hateful I did to her, was out of fear, and well wanting what she had. I don’t plan on having any contact with her in SF. I am keeping a ubber low profile in the next few weeks, however we bumped paths three times, I also said a simple hello which she has a good reason to shun me.

More, importantly I have forgiven myself for what I did in Texas. Moreover, am moving forward that’s my new years resolution, It sucks being alone during the holidays but given present cirmstances, I am being a lot more careful who I trust, allow into my personal, professional, and program. Maybe I will not always have to be a lone rider, outlaw, ex diesel dyke.

I discussed with my therapist about some issues about my transition, fiancés, and other issues, I also spoke about SRS, and a few other issues down the road. I looked into a few other matters. I sent the letter to my support group, expressing my feelings and made amends and gave the info, but also gave them farewell, and that uttery made me end friendships/

More, over I think I might go finally see milk today, I need some r&r and haven’t had any fun for monthes, I think Ill take today off for me, because I need to feel better. This morning, I accidently scared a poor woman, when I droped a series of magazines on the floor. I feel really bad for her, I used to be so scared, insecure and jumpy when I was newly sober, and in Texas, SFPD in general treats me well, and I avioid contact with them as much as possible.

But I have contact when I walk in on things, and sometimes my street smarts pay off. It also saddens me that I have had to give statements to the police against people I know, some on the streets, some of whom acted violently toward me, My how the ties have turned.

Threes a under twenty five, transgender woman, whom is much like me at that age, she’s butch, lesbian but also lateen, looks like she deals, but doesn’t use or drink, and also moonlights as muscles, vie also seen her dealing in firearms, and also breaking legs of individuals. I would like to reach out to her but unsure how. I mean the tradition of attraction rather than promotion, imp going to discuss with my sponsor. I really don’t find myself in a position to deal with more drama.

I’ve also decided to cut back dramatically my ties to the SF GLBT Center, as well as TEEI and Clair Fairly not for any reason, just I need my space and I’m the DIY type of gal, and don’t need groups, I’ve also decided other than the commitments I have, and my membership at the Alano Club, imp going t start attending new meetings.
It also sad that SF can be Trans-Phobic, it’s been suggested to me in more conceptive meetings that I’m unwelcome and to go to first place (which I don’t recommend for anyone). Ive encountered transphoobia from the old manger of the Alano Club (the new manger is cool), and the former Manager at the Marina Dock.

The Incident at the dock, prompted me to retaliate, it was an emotionally bad time, and when with a ex-girlfriend who was post op, and the same age Twenty Seven and very stealth and not active in the GLBT community. S
FPD questioned me about it, I was wrong for what I did but was also honest with them about what happened and also saw my part oof what I did wrong, but I didn’t deserved to be called what tony called me, or physically touched in that manner or denied women’s meetings even though I don’t like most other women or myself it’s a place I share things, Irish tony can butt fuck himself at his redneck arrogant concretive new club house, and is a right wing nut job

I don’t like the marina anyway, too stuck up, I also don’t like the northern district, despite I looked at an apartment in the Western Addition yesterday, fuck the tenderloin (tender trash, ghetto, crack central, and parts of SOMA. I like parts of bay view and hunters point despite the bad rap, I have strong street smarts. And protected myself with focrce in a young punk from Oakland looking for trouble, my training at Urban Jungle in Houston Paid off.

Regardless, I have a lot of something, to do today.
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
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(713) 578-0016
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