Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens Blog - WWW.LEEMCG.COM: May 2008

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

The further update of myself, and life where I want to go, I talked to Manny in Houston, and my grandmother about she finally understood, about why I have to take this truck. I know more about where I have to go, and found some parking and commuter; I think I force a bay area lover who commutes from the suburbs or neighboring counties.

I also yesterday met someone yesterday just a s fucked up as me, or I used to be, when I binge drank, I like watching folks fucked up, which is why I took steps for a internship and training in possibly going into social work, but still pursuing the IT and web development, when I take my trip I might say HI to christen, or offer to make amends in space city. However, if I am asked to leave, I will respect her wishes, per good request and being smart.

I figured out someone who is transgender whom flops between San Francisco, and Houston. (I’m good at not minding my own business) sometimes years ago, before I started drinking, and dealing with my TG issues, I was insecure never thinking I was attractive when I was 350+ lubs now I’m almost back down to 160 lbs again, and loving it

It hurts more to be brave, sexy, attractive, young, smart and with a potential stealth or bright future. I know she still cares even if she is just following orders from HACS’s and outweighing the greater need, of the community and much as my father, I may have lost forever, with no hard resentments.

Fuththermore, I discovered about myself, I like helping others, I am selfish, sometimes it’s my way or the highway, someone else commented on my assertiveness, and security of self, and who I am as an individual.

I further discover more about my soul, and who I am. I also think more about self-termination but I right it, because if I can’t manger those painful feelings and emotions, I will wind up drunk, jail, prison, hospital, or fuck up my body, and loose respect further, and I know folks care, some AA’s are selfish and I don’t take it personally, I’ve learned not to be such the big gossip, and further protect anonymity more.

Sometimes part of my blog is true part is fiction, to protect folks anonymity and as a semi-out the closet AA, I’ve had folks when I mentioned my AA they never pictured me as a drunk, it amazes me stereotypes, and how people are so overly judgmental, myself included.

I learned something about myself more, Its difficult for me to do things, I am much more open to suggestions, but prefer abusive co-dependant friendships, relatshionships, roommates, partners, etc.

The blackouts, I am expranceing are possibly stress related, lack of sleep, not eating enough combined with major physical activity, and flashbacks to Wal-Mart, Hurricanes Katrina, Rita Wilma, storm recovery work, my abuse at home, and resentments toward bad things I did to positional friends to the end.

I feel as if I ruined my life, I feel as if it’s over , I lost everything, and everyone I cared about, or they don’t accept me because I got tired of playing by their rules, I am angry at my mother whom is difficult to fight with because she died, I blame my father for things because out the two he is still around, I feel as if some of my lies, abuse in childhood by a family member, was a result of my parents lying, cheating and using each other and putting little me in the middle of their bickering.

I resent being raised in Louisiana, I resent not being raised someplace more progressive, I resent my mother and father for that, I resent HJM for some early child hood events. I resent some of my right-wing up bring, Houston made more liberal, the culture shock, work stress, abuse I overloaded drank, became a AA from an AL-anon, and had and left hell, and brushed with death between 2005-2008.

I resent my Latter Day Saint religious cure all conversion, but brought me in touch with a higher power belief system which I didn’t have or not have, but I had unseal ideals, views, and viewpoints which were not the best or positive or affirming, for myself or others. I resent other things

I slept good last night, awoke at 3am, this mooring showered, cloned up dressed, a trip to the storage place (one of them is on ruder today, as possibly some shopping, just normal consumables)

Even more intresting in my exciting to dull, dramatic, to pain jane life, is I have a doctors appointment, a few resumes, and leads to follow on, some trip planning, trip burdgenting, and a few other things to plan out, I found a possibly good parking routine where I don’t have to be insane about it, I also don’t want to share it with many folks because best of all, its largely free, and its in s safe place, but I have to move it every so often, and Might bring it into the city on occasion as well.

I look forward to driving my Ford Ranger exd cab 4 door FX4, with the termor Audio system / MP3 and disc changer, 4x4,and a 5.0 SHO Engine that’s supercharged, and limited slip front and rear axels, and class III hitch electric brake control, 4:1 axel ratio and automatic transmission and automatic transfer case

I look forward to 2500 miles of open road camping, wind in my hair in my open adventure back to Califorisnia, and progression into enlightment, I look forward to having to obscces, and have my pick em truck run my life, as far as parking until , I find something more permante with work, life, and hosuing possibly in the east bay.

But I am sober, I have that choice, I want to attracted the right people, places and things while powerless, I have to change myself, outlook, attuide, and how I carry myself, to further progress, into happy, and get my life back.

Right now this is my time, repairing the shithole of damage I did, contuniing, one day at time, progress not perfection, Moving on and leeting go. Admit so submission, and get freedom form my insane bondage.

Sending some checks mail, going to the post office, doctors office, and a few other errands. Have a few other things to do, plus some pointing, deposted some revenue into the bank yesterday as well.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Gratitude list:

1.) I am grateful to have friends, aquances, family who cares about me both in San Francisco, Houston, New Orleans

2.) I am grateful for being able to get up and wake up at 2am every morning (pacific time) to go to a meeting and take very good care of my self in appearance and hygiene matters

3.) I am greaful to be able to be willing to be open to other people’s ideas, and suggestions and less well selfish

4.) I am grateful for my sponsor, whom is firm, someone I feel admitting things I don’t feel as comfortable admitting to the general public.

Today was productive I didn’t quite wake up as early but was up around 3am, sitting up waking up stretching at 3:05, out of bed by 3:20, in the shower by 3:30 and undressed, washed myself, hair, than out the shower by 4:00, fixed my face, groomed, etc by 4:30, dressed by 5:20 and out of the door early.

Slept better didn’t quite wake up as early 4am is my limit to get on with life, I am hard on myself, sometimes physically, I use by body sometimes like a jeep wringer Sahara with the Rubicon package , rugged, but stylish, but utilitarian when necessary, I am what I drive as well I suppose, for that matter.

I further did more for myself, I was quiet lately I’ve been alone, I admit I have a lot of hate in my blood, not against any people, place and thing, maybe just wondering why me, and where do I go from here to t

I do resent myself deeply, maybe that’s why sometimes I eat just a few slickness of bread a day, don’t drink much water and run myself hot sometimes, I hurt in my soul, I bleed pain, it’s not normal to not have panic and disorder, Its weird, I accept what and who I am, but I learned to accept in under less than ideal conditions.

Today in a meeting, I saw a TG person whom I’ve seen around messed up, quiet didn’t say anything, why the fuck did she have to sit next to me, I was pretty selfish, and didn’t want to be bothered, so I got up and moved, it was wrong, and maybe I should have been more welcoming, but I am not in the sprits today.

Truth be told the openness, diversity and some liberal things I disagree with (California, Origean, Washington state Drug Policy for one) But talking to Mr. Hill over the weekend, suggested that the reality is, there’s no easy or right or wrong answer to a very deversitvfied, and widespre3ak and unique on each individuals problem.

I don’t want to grow old to be a selfish, cold hearted bitch, maybe I need more peace, in myself, and through process, and I will attract it more, the reasoning of gratitude. I can attract the right element. I am resentful of someone, and others, and need some time alone, to hurt and sort things out in my emotions.

I admit, I am not perfect, but I want progress and perfection, I want something more, but I know what I don’t want. Moreover, I know there is something I do not want to face.

CW is getting her dream, her shelter, I wish I could face her, I know despite my prior actions and hell, she still cares, and I know it, but I hurt to bad, I fear if I contacted her at this point I would relapse, or maybe not she has like 10 or 20 years, I dodnt even know, others business are not my priority, its why I walked away.

Truth be told I don’t know anymore, what I want, I don’t know myself, I need to find myself, I don’t know what I belvied, for too long I went around family, religious or other ideals. Moreover, it with my drinking, and destruvite actions nearly got me killed.

I have to go to the post office, than I have a support meeting I might go to, and a few other things, I also have to go to my MINI storage, and am doing laundry at the present moment. Called DLG and PMG yesterday, blah.

I might do two meetings today given how I feel.

Kick start my heart

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Gratitude list:

1.) I am grateful to have friends, aquances, family who cares about me both in San Francisco, Houston, New Orleans

2.) I am grateful for being able to get up and wake up at 2am every morning (pacific time) to go to a meeting and take very good care of my self in appearance and hygiene matters

3.) I am greaful to be able to be willing to be open to other people’s ideas, and suggestions and less well selfish

4.) I am grateful for my sponsor, whom is firm, someone I feel admitting things I don’t feel as comfortable admitting to the general public.

I admit, I am not perfect, but I want progress and perfection, I want something more, but I know what I don’t want. Moreover, I know there is something I do not want to face.

I might do two meetings today given how I feel.

Monday, May 26, 2008

The List

Notes
Letters
SASE
Legal Documents
Will (ammend)
Scout Site
name & marker
notice
meal,halt
meeting
phone call
contacts

Letters:
PMG
DLG
MLS
Talleys
Crhistan Williams
Lilly Roddy
Phillis Frye
Montrose Counceling Center
Lambda Center
LDS - Bishop(s)
CP
FK
KM-LDS
Steckler

will
Id
BC
Docs name marker
contacts
ammends

Burtal Honesty

estorys to

SF Chroncle, NCLR

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Monday, May 26, 2008

I recently found out something about myself, I don’t know myself. All of my life others have inspired my ideas, personality and individually, I am in some physical pain, My back aches, My head aches, I had another sober memory loss last night again. I have blackouts and unaccounted time and experiences.

It scares the shit out of me, loosing time, and being lost in space, feeling dizzy and lightheaded, I look forward to the doctor’s appointment more so. I also can move on, I think, I’m still so unhappy, it’s not that I can’t let go, its I don’t know how to accept myself, love myself, I am happier with my self-image and body, but I am insecure, I don’t know how to be a posti9ve influence as a transgender-woman, I don’t know what I like or dislike, I don’t know who I am, I found that with booze, in various Houston, Dallas, Austin, New Orleans, baton Rouge, and San Francisco bars during a week long black out that I had a flashback.

I don’t know how to ask for help, I can deal with people and :wing it, but truth be told I have mixed feelings and emotions and I don’t know much, about me, myself and I. I know what I want, I know where, I want to go, but I do not know much of that beyond my inner self.

I don’t know what I like or dislike, it’s sort of like breaking free of the matrix, I am a liar, I don’t know myself, I don’t know what I agree with, I feel drastically shocked with the change in culture, I mean I like it here, but I don’t, I’m not sure who I am.

Lately I’ve been feeling if I can’t learn to love and live again, I would rather self-terminate my suffering, possibly by a self-inflected gunshot wound, possibly jumping off a river oaks office tower or high-rise parking garage in Houston, or maybe just taking a drive off a cliff or something.

But obviously I don’t want that, I almost got death, and something, someone, the flash of light, my mother, and other deceased family members, I want to be with, I honestly have been ashamed I feel banished from Houston, My drinking and self-destructive actions ran me out of the Houston TG community. It hurts, I hate most of them here, I wish I was welcome, I feel home sick, I mean I love SFO, I wish I could be given a chance, but I am not welcome there.

I feel as if I don’t want pity, charity or handout, but I want a chance, I want to have love and compassion for myself, others, education and employment, I am Kind inside.

Christen did so much for me, even when I was so nasty and mean and hateful, and I can’t publicly admit it here, It’s not even about the attraction to her, I hurt, I bleed in pain, similar to how batman became batman, I bleed in agony like a vampire, my soul burns with the essence of time.

I feel old I am 27, lost, hurt, and resentful. I know I need to lift my spirits up in intellectuality, and I will attract more positive affirming actions, but I can’t. I’ve thought of late, that death, after a year sober, or maybe I’ll push that up to 18 months, or maybe 2 years.

I’ve had enough to drink, I am tired of attempting to take things such as Prozac (which made me insane) and other things which made me sick, sleepy or drunk, or stabling over, or drugs such as sera quill, which I had an auto collision as a result.

I am sick and tired of feeling despite I push myself so hard, crashing on folks beds, sleeping on peoples SROs floors, shelters, and sometimes hotel rooms due to colds, flu or sickness. I am still sick in my heart, and head, I think highly of christen, yet I fear her, I can let go, I did, but I have nightmares about just how much I hurt.

My understanding I don’t stand a chance in hell, Trans folks are so cool, nice and lookout for each other, I became drunk, violent, and threating, and abusive even with christens kindness, and others. I fear of going back into those actions.

I feel I am held to utterly high standards as myself, and viewed by my family as a fuckup, and failure but they love me, I feel others feel I have no future, I feel I am a burden to loved ones, and might become such to future generations.

I miss my mother, I wish she was here with me, and could help me, and others. I love myself, and feeling. She and my father were both pretty labial, I even shut my father out. I shut myself out and away, maybe I am prepared to give up with a leap of faith, obviously, I almost had the death by law enforcement epxeracne, and I don’t like meeting that or the drama.

I resent the fact my mother left my feather I grew up in Harvey, LA and other Louisiana and southern towns, I like the weather but because of my drinking the cold aches my numours scars, tazer marks, my forklift accident, and bones and joins form years of hot summers in blue-shit jobs.

I struggle to put food in my mouth some days, I clasped due to my eating disorder, I admit fault, It’s not about not having food, its food that deals with my unique dietary requirements, and sometimes, I just don’t feel I deserve a basic human need.

I walked away from a lot I had, It was made clear to me, that I was not to be allowed at any Houston or HACS or any event endorsed with the Transgender community in Houston, It was made clear to me, that I was unwelcome, and if I attended any events the police would be called, and I would have a restraining order against me, I respect that I did this to myself, I left because of that.

I don’t like to share the hardships I have endured, but I realized finding my true self and inner peace was more important than anything else, I walked away from all, for the simple life, maybe I’ll die on the streets, shelters, friends sofa, or just from burnout or self-termation.

My truck, family, martial things are important but myself, I don’t want to bottom out, the fear of being old, on the streets babbling to myself alone, in panic and terror is wrong, the fear of dying like carniamby, the fear of not seeing violence, drama, abuse, or war, or destruction is normal to me, being open and accepted scares me a lot.

When the police kick someone’s ass I like to watch, when something catches on fire, I like to watch, I learned to accept myself with brutality against me, committing against others, and it is normal to me.

I still have nightmares about the gulf coast, New Orleans, Wal-Mart (Enrique, hennery, victor, Carl, elm dean, john, James, tino, )

All I want is equal treatment, but I feel old, despite 27 is still relatively young, its well getting old. It hurts when your family members who you love, and love you don’t support gay marrage, don’t agree with my follish destrive ways but more ironcly still love me. I don’t know anymore. Im the last of my family tree, Ive accepted maybe just maybe Ill die soon, here in sanfranicso, age 28 seems unreachable.

People find me intretsing I get numbers meet folks, than I crawl into my bat cave, and Im not victm, but I just want the suffering to end, and I think it will, even if at my own terms, on my way. I don’t contact them I self destruct, and well sometimes I just quit calling, or don’t call them or call them back.

My mother and I are so much alike, currently I look a lot like a photo of a 20 something version of my mother here in San Francisco, before she had me and met my father, whom I as well as Christen Williams have also ruined prenatally, and I resent his lies he told the foster family and folks In Louisiana, to save his pocket book, some folks told tales before they died, that worked for the state department of human services.

I knew I could not come out due to my co-depencacy, being a sex worker or having to scares me to death, I don’t want that, I would rather die than have sex with a man, for money or not. In addition, I would not degrade myself like that. I’m more asexual, I don’t even like other (preop) transgender or some, a lot out here scare me,

I’ve wanted to call christen, I obtained through my social engineering skills her number yet again, I wish I could have to courage to leave a message, but I can’t, I wish I could see her and hug her, but I ruined my public opnion of myself.

I only want to be loved, and I know I am, but I’ve leered to lie, use folks, and well I don’t think Ill, ever have SRS or a normal life, despite at times being attractive physically, and as a person, and emotionally, and kind.

I see myself as 27 years down the drain, I feel I am to utterly high standards, when I was forced to do more things by HJM as a child that I didnd twna to because I was to queer, or fairy, I was razed by ultra right GOP folks, I don’t know what I believe, I joined the LDS church as a convert to cure my feelings and only caused me further harm and agony, I ran into a member today at Safeway, that I knew. Moreover, the BYU and Utah plates and others were a dead giveaway, and various phrases such as CTR or return with honor was a giveaway to a prior member

I don’t know how to interact or live, I am a bag of bones in this body, I feel like my time is running out I might extend my life to 18 months sober or 2 years, but at the minimal my sobertiday date and year aneveray of July 13 2007- July, 13-2008

San Francisco has its perks but is rough, I am grateful christen might be finally getting her shelter and center, but too little too late. I have the potential to live in stealth, but don’t see it happening. I wish I could be a client of hers, but again I felt it was made clear to me I was unwelcome, but I never really completely heartily asked, I have a lot of blackouts and emotions from my drinking.

I’ve also as opposed to suicide, been thinking of robbing a bank, than getting caught, at the bank, than on a interview if the FBi doesn’t give me the max time and allow me to go to federal prison, Commit a offense that You don’t have the freedom to joke about, the one thing in your 1^st amendment rights you can’t say, even just as a joke is a crime, with the us marshals and secret service, the world’s most powerful person, and our trusted leader. Given already I am on thin ice, which I state; I am a patriot and love my country even if I do not like the way it is going politically. However verbal, written acts are take very, very seriously and could be an act to get a very very long time in isolation and solitude in SUPERMAX, and to be alone without outside contact get to sleep all day, and have veg meals. And just rest, what more could I ask for.

That are just some thoughts plus I’m bitchy from losing something last night from a blackout, I’m going to get a MRI and Catscan referral, I’m worried I damaged my left frontal lobe or frontal lobe more than at birth right here across the bay in Oakland.

I wish I could ask for christen, I wish I had a community to be a part of, the folks here suck a bit. I duno, I feel like I am unwelcome on HACS, or at any TG event, I wish I could be welcome, I wish I could be an early client of the TG shelter, but I think not. I wish I could ask if HACS and Christen would help me not out of pity, or charity but helping another girl out of kindness but not pity. Maybe eventfully Ill get the security to directly contact someone but mostly not.

I sort of have a sad, depressing plan of action that well ends not so favbolary to me alone, but no one else is harmed directly, but indirectly, and maybe I’ll share more later, but I want to hang in there, and fight this feelings, and stay sober.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Last Night, I slept good, and well, but the nightmares of the gulf coast, destruction and my own well horrors in Houston before I quit drinking at the peak of getting voer it and moving on. I did some outreach work to someone, whom it turns out we have a siamulr resentment, our issue is.

With folks, I tried to explain to someone who is a chronic relapser, that you cant control other people, and people in the program are selfish, you have to be acocuntbale for yourself, you have to want to change, even if folks don’t like you, because of past transgressions.

I did want to change, built a foundation than walked away, not because of fear, but because of shame of my bad blood with CW, I hurt often, I even have resentment nightmares as such, Im even afraid of her even in obscurity, I am trying to rbanch off into social work, I have the service prject mentoring Trnagsnede rand GLBT youth for larkin steet before I finish my dirty laundry for a while, I have my trip in aug as well as other factors, and than a long drive home on the road again.

Its not even progress not perfection, I also hanned out flyer about pro 99/98 for the rent control and housing, I handed tham out at the Safeway this morning on church and market, I composed more code, and did further research for the future and progress of my site, and database for the San Francisco Area Transgender community fourms, which I am launching, I also might redo my current index.html page with a xhtml version of sorts or more basic and link to the current html version.

The Vbuillent database is still being built, a collerbation of applications, and resources and possibly some fourms, and a listserv simmulr to phillis fryes list, might be in order or carol wyatt, I want TO do something for change, and make something for myself in the process, whats better than mentoring transgender and GLBT youth and getting paid to help others avoid my pitfalls, the transgender and youtn movement was very new when I was 18, and still is and not much research or even in Transgender ageing, or much documented health research, we are crawling out or shadows, I dont like to admit fault with Christan, but I must, and I am doing what I must

Monday, May 26, 2008

The reality of what I need to do for myself, and continue to progress for myself. I went to a meeting today, I gave out rent control flyer at safeway for the upcoming election, called my sponsor, did my homework, I also have a few other things, which due to the holliday I will progress, I am feeling in good spirts, and indpednatm outgoing and cheerful, whatever was troubleing me I think worked itself out more or less, for better or worse

I also ate breakfast before 10 am per my sponsors request

Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Friday, May 23, 2008

Took care of the Medical issues today, relaxed and recharged back to enlighten, talked and had a productive therapy session last week. Continued more into myself, I also have the IRS also on the agenda, some job hunting, an upcoming trip, called my sponsor.

I continue to progress, discuss the auto moving, and a few other things, learned to ask for help and be more honest and open, and more selective of whom, what and where I share with, I move onward, I have even thought of changing some of my blog info.

I’m back sort of the IRS even seems plausible, It’s easy to get side tracked in laid back san Francisco, but I’m back in the saddle again, and on the road again to success, I love being myself, I love life, I love my family, I love my friends, and those who gave up on me here and far away, and most of all I want recovery from my insanity of my own bondage, and self, and selfish inner bitch and complaining, and dominating personality.

I have plans, and have to get up very very early, thismkr9injg I awoke around 3, tomorrow around 1am or 2am at the latest, I have much to do, for ,myself and to continue to progress for myself, future and inner enlighten.

Todays List

Grateful for weather,

Grateful for good night’s sleep

Grateful for rejuvenated gratitude

Saturday, May 24, 2008

The reality of what, I need to do, Called my sponsor today, went to a meeting, moved out the hotel where I was resting due to health issues, rented a storage locker, and met with someone I confide in and adore at the GLBT center, went out for coffee, ate, and did my homework, and gave the dog a bone.

I also might go to church tomorrow, maybe go see a long lost firned or two, I also composed a few things, and made arangemenets for the New San Francisco Transgender Community fourms and majordomo listserv, and other matters, I worked in C-Panel a bit today on one of the other database servers, and possibly a directory of community resocues, I also am planning on going into social work, Larkin street youth mentoring with Transgender youth seems good, given I am a little older, and can work with 18-24 year old Trans-youth, if I save oen more, and T started transitoion in part in that age range, sobered up and continue to progress.

Its sort of like having kids, I also progressed in a few other areas, the legal notice is published, as are other matters, I also composed a few other things, and con8itnue to grow and progress.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Thank you for the Kind words, you are correct that I am like my
mother, I changed a lot in Houston and in sobriety, I am struggling to
readjust to sober living. I need to move on, I need to stop with my
somatic complaints and move forward.
I also need to do more for myself, and move onward, with work,
housing, I know what I want and know what I don't want; I also plan to
go back to school. I have some problems, and I am not going to settle
for less, I do have hard work ethic when some folks I worked with
found out, and my obvious changes, some folks were threatened by it.

I had some bad influences, and a few bad very close friendships and
some more with a another transgender female, and a gender queer trans
man that were not the best positive influence on me.
I created some controversy, but manged to keep myself and old bad
actions under wraps.
I would like to discuss more with you that, perhaps maybe I could meet
you some place for coffee in the east bay, I need to make a run to the
target in the east bay regardless soon. And I have a few doctors in
the east bay, I like the city, mass transit, and yes I do need my
truck, I might go back to doing messenger work or newspapers, wish the
city has a lot of.

I do have a lot of resentments toward my mother and father, myself,
other GLBT folk, I tried for so long to "cure" myself my Latter Day
Saint past is a result of such.

I am working on cleaning my dirty laundry (that I created) , and have
become a bit lazy in doing such, and cleaning all the junk out of my
truck when I was drinking. I have no desire to return to Louisiana,
Texas I would love to visit again in the future. I came here due to
having better civil rights protections and being in a more friendly
city, were you are less forced to live stealth, gender queer, or do
illegal activity's, or work in bars/Nightclubs or get into the adult
industry.

I am working on these issues, with my wonderful therapist whom I have
known of for years before I started transitioning, and came out, I
later used beer, wine, vokkia, and screwdriver was my drink of choice.
I had a few progressive leads at my job fair i attend yesterday at the
San Francisco GLBT center, and continue to do such, I also am planing
(possibly) depending on my therapists opinion taking a trip to
Louisiana in aug for the porpoise of returning to san francisco, I
have found some parking, and made some arrangements, and other things,
I need a year and around 18 months sobriety, a lot of my dirty laundry
I created between jan 2006 - Friday July 13, 2007 (when I got sober)
jan 26,2007 when I had my near death experience and all most died on
the pavement due to a tazer at the intersection of FM (farm to market
1093) and Chimney rock I had my awaking in between march 2007-may 1st
2007 when I saw daylight for the first time in many many months
(windows are viewed as a luxury and security risk in texas jails, and
prisons) and are virtually windowless, with fake windows that are non
exist ant.

The pride fest is comeing up and pride is a very big time when I
usually get drunk, I might leave the city.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Sole Proprietor
leemcg.com Media Group
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://s121.photobucket.com/albums/o211/mlgaetjens/ (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
mlgaetjens-yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038- aim/aol messenger

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Wednesday, May 21, 2008

The reality of myself, and self-discovery and whom I am as an individual, where I want to go tonight and in life, is odd and obscure. As of late, I have been a bit close to muddy waters of the past and dangerous resentment.

I have to move on for fuck sake, I hurt badly, and am tired of fucking same old bullshit, I must move on-ward a productive discussion with MLS just across the bay was very very enlightening and productive, and I moved forward for myself. I know what I must do for myself, and where I need to go.

I must move onward, I rested well, ate ok, and attended a job fair with some success, the employer I wanted was not present, but I moved onward, my former co-depending NAM almost like a Nazi, controlling freak, and despite the fact just as close friends (and later adamantly I wanted more) she used me, was controlling and very co-depend, and Negative and had negative effects to my program.

I wish I knew why I prefer friendships, which are negative and close friendships that are as well. I don’t like it, I have someone else in mind but moved onward, I have to make progress and move forward in my life, for fucking sake I’ve been here almost 6 months, I am becoming old, I had my rest and recharged a bit, a meeting is in order today, and worse I totally forgot to call my sponsor today, I fucked up bad today. Tomorrow I am back in the saddle again (not like Travis tritt) but close, surprise, surprise I am back again.

My flight to MSY in Aug is ongoing as the drive back to SFO and gosh darn it I am going to pick up my chip. I might visit MM, as well, I told her I would look her up when I am in town, self-acceptance and awareness.

NAM was very un-healthy for me, other than being close friends, it was not feeling that way, I did not fell respected, and I felt used, and abused and controlled. I also found out on my visit to SJIM that some stereotypes and information is wrong, her work ethic, sleeping patterns and goals in life, are very un-realistic, drastically different, and un-healthy for my Capricorn individuality true to my brith roots.

NAM can be controlling, demanding, minulipilkaive, abusive, co-dependant, and well odd and obscure. I think I might have a good fit, and my life doesn’t revolve around going to church, aa meeting to hook up with a star-stuck unrealistic life, of a husband. Blah she is so neivie, but I learned in meetings, I am powerless over other people, palces and things.

Bad things happen to good people for a reason, in obscurity I saw the book about Gnosticism, written by a rabbi, I also ran into LDS missionaries again today, and the job fair was somewhat Productive and myself esteem, and confidence is boosted, the problem is I grow tired of being alone, and I have come close to burning out into mental obscurity, and potentionaly death.

Nevertheless, I am secure, and optomisictc, I sometimes being sicker than others, prefer to hang out around those that don’t have what I have, After all I was an al-anon at one time before I started binge drinking in texas, despite never going to an AL-anon meeting,.

MLS was correct, I may have ruined any chances at having a relatshionshoip with MCG despite, my intentions I have resentments toward him, and even my Mother KMG, I am powerless over that, maybe after I pick up my 2 year chip (being optimistic) I’ll let things cool off. I was wrong to slander him on the phone (MCG) or look him up.

I feel in love with the city, and also want more of myself, and continue to progress, and enlighten in my soul. I also want more for myself, all or nothing in controlling my inner bitch, while keeping progress, enlighten power and balance of the above staying in Zen, working my own personal program, and own personal Jesus Christ.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

The reality of myself, the reality about my life. I have not slept as well, I missed my train this moring and had to reset my apointment, my health is ok, The dizzyness, confusion, and misunderstadning and blured vision, and dislexia, is scaray. I talked to my wonderful sponsor. The reality of myself, I am still sober, and contunie to progress, and still grow in myself.

I know who I am and know what, I am, I know I don’t have to drink on my airline flight, I don’t have to drink on my drive back to san Francisco from New Orleans International, I might visit my folks, friends, and go to the NOLA Lamba Center, and also pick up my 1 year chip ta Lamba Houston, Visit Phoxix, and Los Angeles, or I might just go through Oklomaha, and bypass old slipperly places, where the wiskey drowns to the oasis, and firneds in Low Places. But I am going to fire up my pick up truck and let all 385 horsepower roll, but not have the wiskey, and smoke, but maybe the women, Get down turn around back to San Francisco.

I reset my appointment, also Have a legal clnic to attend to for transgender women, I also know for me,and what My body needs.

On top of that I was offed on a forum, it sucks, that I can understand I am having verbal and some writien commucation problems, I am afraid of my health, but I am fighting this and for my indpedance, the nightmares have started again. I feel I am flipping out, I am also very afraid, and probelly going to stay alone, until the doctor figures out whats wrong, the blackouts scare the shit out of me, dearly, I admit to being afraid. I also know it turns people off, I cant understand where time goes, sometimes on a task I feel confused doing a task over and over. I am afraid, I don’t understand whats wrong with me.

I also have a trip to the IRS office, to deal with some tax issues, I feel as if my body does not have the entergy, I almost passed out again today. But I have faith things will get better slowly but surely one day at time. The doctors think its stress, lack of sleep, eating, and general just major stress and pressure and deadlines, and learning to cope with life again without drinking.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

I feel as if my helath is better, but my body is falling apart, I am alive outside, but dead in soul. I remember things, painful things I need not remember, physical, emotiuonal tramma, and also the dizziness, and blackouts, like I am on a boat in rough tides, I feel lost at sea, when I walk and move, I am very afraid.

It hurts, I have this anger, rage, and emotions built up, and my mind is slipping sometimes, It scares me deeply, that I haven’t lost my marbles yet. I got sober and than Have to deal with this bullshit, why the fuck me?

Anyway, I am going to get through this, one day at a time, the nightmares have started, the nausuia, the blurred vision, confusion, loss of words, on pen and paper, I feel I am getting sick, theres something wrong with me and the doctors, cant figure out what, they agreed to do a blood work, MRI and Catscan, regardless, I am going to take my trip against medical advise, I must keep moving and do what I need to do for me, a trip to the post office, and maybe the IRS today might be in order.

I admit I am depressed, some days I eat once a day, and I have an eating disorder, But I am fighting this, and I am not going to drink, I am buring bridges, but at least I am aware of it and respecting bounderies, I just feel so sick, and I don’t want to drink, and I also feel dizzy and have trouble visually, vebraly focusing, which is why I compose some here, and some elsewhere, for my doctors or incase I become incapasetaed, I feel my health is delicneing, I feel Like I am dieing of something, and the doctors cant find out what. Something is physicaly wrong with me, some think its stress, which could be correct.

I just want the suffering to end, one way or another.

Monday, May 19, 2008

The reality of myself, and awakeing of myself and interpersonal enlightenment, I further discovered more about myself. And who I am as an individual. I made a complaint directly to the human rights commission, and MUNI, and have contacted the TGI Jusitce project, and The Law Center.

I have my appearance in San Francisco Civil court for my change in indemnity, McInnis Lee Gaetjens is going to be Leigh McInnis Gaetjens, as documented on my cards. I also have some things and a legal semnar to discuss with my wonderful therpsit. I also spoke more for myself, and learned more about life. I also know more about who I am and what I need as an indivudal and where I want to go in life and who I want on lifes terms.

I posted more about that, MLS is correct I am hard on my father, it is a huge resentment toward my past which I am powerless, over I recently visted a NA meeting given my problem is only booze, AA, a person in the program suggested I go to an al-anon meeting given I was an al-anon who became a drunk.

I know more about where to go in life, I posted more documents for my life, and past I also have a conference to attend tomorrow, and have a few other things to work out, I have un-scuessfuly attempted to reach luanna, as well. But I progress not perfection, I also am going to a meeting at the GLBT center at 6pm tonight (the first aa meeting I attened with 5 months of soberity and before my 27^th birthday) after ariveing in San Francisco, on Jan 6^th, 2008. Life rocks.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Slept well, had an intresting e3ncounter wioth MUNI police, and also filed another complaint regarding gender indeity discumrantion based on MUNI police, and their attempt to cover up my assult on the 16^th of this month on a inbound TT 2 car from church station to van ness kudios to the two good semeratins that assisted in that matter.

I ate well, and slept well, and good for what I did, I have a new suition and spoke out for my rights at the present and contunie to do such. I slept good,c alled my sponsor, and am about to go to a meeting

I feel angry and potrayed about it, Im wokring it out with my sponsor. soberity date Friday July 13th 2007, Right now I have a room down in the mission district, with someone, This weekend, I was a victim of MUNI police burtality, I have not been charged with anything, and have witnesses of a MUNI Officer, which is not a commiseions officer, addressing me as sir, and many toursits and locals, and biting hit by the officer in powell station, I have a complaint filed with MUNI, SFPD< and the city and county of san francisco.

I also was assulted and the MUNI police, would not arretsed the guy who touched me, and two big guys pulled him off of me thursday I was assulted on a TT car, by a older white male, whom I had no prior contacted and became angry of me rejecting his advances, and pined me in my seat betwene church station of a 2 car T train inbound from church and exited to van ness, the station agent called SFPD due to MUNI polices refsuel to arrest the subject.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

, May 15, 2008

The reality of myself, life and further enlightenment for my soul, I like the fact my sponsor pushes me hard into inner peace, love and joy for myself. I choose life, I choose reocevry, and I chose honestly, freedom, security, and justice, and being socialy correct.

I also talked to a few folks, have a few things going on at the moment, as well as my health problems, but I know I am ok, I am going to fight this and win, I know what I want, and also have to play by the rules written and unwritten, but I am willing to get true recovey, she is a wonderful person to work with, and I enjoy seeing her every morning, and want more and more recovery.

I know more about who I am as myself, and where and what I want out of life, I have goals, spirt and I have peace in my heart I kick start my heart. Also the new bra, has helped my back pain massively, I also have a new top, and a few things to pick up today, and other things on the adgenda, the cayoties attacking in the pricillio and golden gate park scare the shit and living hell out of me.

I know more of what I want for myself, and I want more for myself. I also know more about my life, and what I want, I also have goals, and suppose I have to admit more or some defeat.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Slept good last night, woke up around2, again at 3, My back is hurting bad, I got a new bra, which is helping a bit the old one was sterached out, and picked up things from one of my wholesale connections.

I also have a few appointments, a letter to compose, and also my letter for reasonable accomations, and a meeting on the adgenda.

Im also happy about good news, and things are looking great, and I feel great, and more assertive and confidant, and my bounderies, I also have plans later with someone a friend but I hope she and I become more. But I respect her bounderies, I also have some step work with my sponsor this weekend, and a few service commitments.

I have therpey today and a doctors appointment as well.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Had a talk more recently with someone, as of late By my own admission I have been a bit out of line while 10 months as of yesterday of continues sobriety., I have not been as of late acting such, (some are sicker than others) But I keep on, The doctor has agreed to continue to book, and well offer, help for my PTSD, and assistance, I ate ok today, and might do more walking.

I also talked to some folks in the program about life, while I have a fuck of a lot to be grateful for I have other things not, I discuss with the possibly maybe toward the fall getting something for the winter, and next spring early next year when I should have residency for a year next Jan. Maybe moving out to the east bay and taking that flight to New Orleans, and driving back with a few stops in Texas.

I might get something more semi-perm ant. I came to san Francisco for a fresh start with 6 months of sobriety, and continue to progress, I grew tired of The Lone Star State I am a Texan by choice, native Californian who grow up in the south Louisiana and Miss, due to my father’s drinking, which in his own sickness, won’t admit his well documented faults.

Nevertheless, I am powerless over other people places, and things. And I only hope he is not hitting is new wife, which might be a younger middle-aged Russian mail order bride, and he goes of to the YMCA, Ball park and OTB, and while might be sober, will not admit he hit my mother, and she left him due to fear of me, he also cant admit, the fact is if the university saw the photos and papers of burses on me, and my mother. He would be out of the job, the only thing he has to fame is a paper that was published about Barry bonds, which by my own admission, is good just as my mother, I have the creative, smart and brains, my mother was highly intelligent, smart, and I even look like her much as she came to calfinoia in her 20s, I even have the same glasses and hair. I’ve been in the same libraries, places, and things even out to Richmond where she worked, I followed in my mothers and fathers footsteps, just as they did with hardship, stayed in rough places, my dad left the Bronx, my mother left new Orleans given her liberal sprit, I came for change, and progression. I continue into my own inner sprit.

I resent my father about the lies he told Debora st Martin, and the fact he, lied to folks. Mr. al was out sick, now that dead men tell to tales, al was a wonderful person, and went to his funnier. He also told the dark sides of my father’s bullshit, he did not want me to tell PMG & DLG He was in town, so he could “settle” and not pay child support. He wanted out of the mistake; he and (I) became very agreeing and saw a dark side of my father, and even myself and my mother, in our own insanity. I told him the reality he did not like the reality of such factors, and his lies exposed.

I made some progress had a Legal friend, who is going to try to pressure one of my large former employers to do right regarding my 2006, 2007, Tax returns and progress into enlighten, had a meeting this morning as usual. I also the legal notice should be out today, and as such, I might copy it for when I go to San Francisco Superior court, with the self-filed documents, amongst other things I need to do.

I also progressed further more into my own admission, life after death. And have a meeting with my sponsor, whom I feel totally comfortable after so much, I’ve worked steps but never very well, but I built a good foundation on prevention and program with my sobriety 10 months and 10 sponsors, and finally found “the one” That I think could work, we discussed the 5^th step this morning in the meeting.

I meet with her, it is nice to have a sponsor my own age, somewhat more lacerative rocker, and in a women’s meeting, and a Bartender sponsor. That I think fits well. I feel well for life and myself and further enlighten for my soul.

I also saw TM recently I think she went back out drinking, and relapsed after 10 years. She was a mentor it and hurts me, and she saw I noticed her, and “oh shit” what have I done? I also ran into someone else as well half hung over, this city is great, but a easy slippery place, and amazes me the liberal bullshit pot laws, maybe it’s just I got my foundation and gratitude with my auto accident, and days in The Harris County Jail. Moreover, enjoy watching shows such as cops, amw, busted on the job. YouTube police chases and video, I like the action drama, and Adriane rush of such.

I have a the3prey appointment and appointment with my worker, and a few other things, I also have to refill my HRT and a few other things, I also have thought of going to visit my dad around father’s day, and hope he shows up at the picnic. My friend got some seine into me, my problem is I got out of touch with the transgender community; I’d rather hang out with dykes, or be alone. I even used to drink in dyke bars, and Goth, punk, and live music, and afterhour’s clubs, and illegal casinos. (Its also why I get flagged by the TSA, and despite not having any major priors, nothing worse than a Class B Misdominer, I m flagged in NCIC as a possible organized crime, and other dtatsabes in Texas and Louisiana. (I was very naughty at one time but never crossed the line, and knew or was informer when to get out)

I also composed more about my life self and good self respect; I got a good self-conference, since of self, and awareness and acceptance. For my Inner sprit. I feel good, love myself, respect others, listen more and well as of late am more humble, one day at time, not so stuck up miss AA, goody to shoes, I have life. In addition, for that I am truly grateful. I hope my father and I can patch things up, I do not know him, I would like to, I don’t want anything from him, except to attempt to build a relatshionship, even if it’s awkward. I know my mother was just a fucked up insance, and the insnity of my childhood, and amdit she was just as wrong as He was, but I feel he owes me a amends. DLG filled the father role, more. After all MCG is my closest living relative.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

The reality of enlightment for myself, and inner peace is slow, hard and painful though the good bad and ugly. I know as of late, I have been a utter, cold hearted bitch, but at least, I manged to keep my pain under some type of control, but alas I am sliping and moving forward.

I feel as if socitys over judgemental, hate, AND insane librials do much, not to say I am not libral in my own ways, just there comes a point of well takeing action.

Anyway I was successful in fileing my paper work and the bay area reporter will publish such documents in compliance with legal bull shit.

I ate sort of ok, and need more water but for the most part am doing quite well and plauable.\

I went to my meeting, have a few errands to run, and also have a few other spots. The blackouts, confusion, and irritabely are not as bad. I look forward to getting a MRI & CATSCAN, I feel as if my medical condtion at birth has worsened. I feel as if I am slipping. I want the insane things to end. I also feel very alone, and helpless, and don’t want pity or someone to do for me. I don’t like asking for help, but I don’t want to drink anymore, I want recovery and some of us are sicker than others, I want the pain to end, I want recovery and healing and inner most enlighment.

I want more for myself, and life, and enlightment and inner most peace, and want more and more recovery, and want more of a soul, and enlightment for my innerself.

Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens Blog - WWW.LEEMCG.COM

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Kick start my heart

Monday, May 26, 2008

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Monday, May 19, 2008

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

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