Monday, April 28, 2008


Even Bill Gates Windows on The move promo Does Crash! or get stuck in hilly San Francisco
-




Had a good referral with the service, I had someone bitch me out ironically, the crazy right wing nut job, likes to have coffee, in the mission area, bastards that assaulted me yesterday, Why the fuck does some crazy bastard pastor, have to harass GLBT folks and bother them with their games, such as blocking the sidewalk, pushing you down to try and get you to repent, in Texas if he did that he would get locked up.


Stupid ducking liberal laws, if he cares, leave ,me alone go brain wash a cracked in the tenderloin with the grange, feed the homeless, leave me alone and let me live my life and don't bother me. Futher more, I had some guys bother me at the KFC near my fathers place, (Had a friend with access to various Law Enrformcent and Private database run my fathers back round.


I also ate oak today,. And pushed more, overhead the hateful bastards plotting to hassle folks at the AIDs place, or the FAG place, where god is supposedly punishing us, blah. It stinks that so much hate, when the world has bigger problems, the economy, jobs, debit, homeless, cost of living etc. why bother GLBT folks who just want to live their life.


-
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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4/28/08


Today I progress more into life, and my future. I disocvered more of the answer, even though I knew it already, the problem is part of the answer. I slept good, awoke early this moring got myself together. Went to my meeting, met a old texan from Houston conutniue to progress, I dont regret the coutnry club or dan or others. I am a sick indidivudal.


I have things to work on, Im powerless over the past and others. I have the tools and foundation and rase the bottom in being humble. I had some hot lesbian hit on me on church street today. I keep progressing into the life and enlightment for myself.


I had grilled onions and veggys this morning, and potatos and coffee and water, slept good groomed, yesterday the bible tumping church folks attacked me with words, blocked my path and two pushed me down, hate is a bitch. Than I called a friend in the program we talked a bit , and she got me together, I also ate, and than had two guys really be nasty to me and I left some things in a fast food estblahsment, where I stoped because My sugar was low.


I know some of my health problems are from not eating and the PTSD and being sad and hopeless, I know I am insane, and learning to deal with my insecueitys in a postive and productive manner, I am shamed of my past, and built a foundation but would not submit to defeat over resenement toward self and how I treated others.


Regardless progress not prefection. One day at time, I make peace and keep my inner selfish, coldhearted bitch under control. I have a doctors apointment today, and one day at time, I dont rush things, I am having some other health problems, also I might make a meeting given the proximity at the time of my drs apointment, Mike makes me uncomfrtbale because he reminds me of my resentments, and old self.


Forgiveness, progress not prefection one day at a time.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Sunday, April 27, 2008



4/27/08


The reality of what I need, is clear. I progress. Yesterday I was able to kick my bitch swtich on in a controled manner, and discuss the issues that were upseting me, I am spening most of the present in lonely solitude, I have some personal matters I need to work out.


I am composeing more for my soul. I know more for my self. I also have some homework for threpy this week on the adgenda, I have more to talk about. I have some resentments to work through. I went to many meetings this week.


I also discussed with friends the truth, I know more about my soul and innser self. Ive been pondering some matters as well. I spoke with other folks more recently about myself, I am determeand more than ever to rebuild my life here, remain here.


I spend time alone due to needing to work out some issues, I have a crush or two as well. But I have utterly high standards. I also have the collage thing to work out, the lost documents, a police report, and a few AA realted manners, it stinks to be called into service, but I like it, love it.


I talked to DLG, PMG, AND other factors, today. I took care of some fincial matters, I had to compose more. For myself. I also see a person who scares me in meeting as much I did others in 2005-early 2006 and onward. My resentments were bad mostly myself, But I am such a selfish bitch I dont want to admit my fault, I ran away sober, doing my geogrpahicl understaning the jounry, hardships I face now build me a good foundation for my contunied soberity, growing and prospering.


I posed a bit on various forums, I occasionly visit everything from Transgender equity, to GLBT rights, to my 4x4 tailgate, and other fourms with network and system admin. I worked more on my SQL, and PHP Database(s) and also updated more code, googles failure is fixed, and also worked more on my Upcoming San Francisoc Transgender Community and Resources, Maybe CW and I are not that much unalike, however discussing with my theprist, i associate my abuse, hate crime, and sexual assult with her, and I lashed out at her.


I have chosen to make arangements for my truck, I also met a few new folks today, but as of late just as my mother was most of her life, and as am I, a hermit, rarely comeing out of her shell, to often I am misunderstood.


I also have to go to the collage this week, and also look at a few places, my finical health has gone downa bit lately, I also took steps to begin repairing my credit, and repay debits, I did some job hunting my resocues and option I have is stil open, I have some closure, I lost my name and gender change documents, recently on MUNI hopefuly they will be rightfuly restored, the prospect of further idenity theft is unsettleing.


I ate ok, today, yesterday I had a yummy salad, and smoothie, I am enjoying the wide range of fruits avialbale in san francisco, and the deverity. I also have been sleeping a bit better. I have some palces I am going to look at in Ingleside, and Tresure Island as well as one or two in Oakland.


My my mother and others are doing, more about myself. And what I need to do for mysoul. I know more for what I need for myself and interpersonal enlightment for my soul. I love more myself, listen more and talk less, and observe the insanity of life, the world and work my program.


I also have an apointment with a socil worker this week for the depression and other issues I am faceing at the womens colnic. I have a makeup and hair apointment and consult, as well as an electro consult, and I have the collage, and also have an apointment with my doc about my HRT, and levaels and further letters and documents for me. I just am burned out and utterly pissed that my papers were left due to being so tired, but I had some really good food friday. I am less of a bitch and my bitch is under wraps.


I love life and enlightment.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Saturday, April 26, 2008

Ive been a trike both drunk and sober, and had more puzzlement if I'm a fem but tough when I have to be, The world seems to be more accommodating to us, But I get nasty comments every day, I also hate it when businesses that are not Trans-Phobic go out their way to do so, I am pretty liberal, but being overlay accommodating is well, Depressing and wrong.

I just want to be treated as a equal, not a transwoman. Just female, Blah equity sucks.

But what do I know? I'm not as they say a woman boran woyman, Ive even seen things which are funded by the city of San Francisco, to go as boldly to say "Only women born women" are allowed to attend. Needless to say it was a outreach rpobram it was on an event fl yer widely given out to drop in centers here

I would never go there, or want help from a group Like that, its like totally weird, the Trans-Phobia that exists is drastically diff rent than In Texas, Louisiana or Miss. But it exists but less so in San Francisco, I wonder if it exists due to fear of law suits, sometimes I will notice places will mam or sir folks but wont me, I also know some local businesses have even outed me as a trans-woman to other employee's.

But Given the Free Enterprise of capitol ism, I can chose where to spend my money. I only make a stand when It is just But Quietly observer, Ive thought of making a database of Trans-phobic businesses, in the bay area, and rate things on my upcoming San Francisco rescues forums

Ive also noticed GLBT friendly businesses are not always T friendly but I don't go out the way, to cause trouble. these days. Maybe a Unofficially appointed Unofficial watchdog is in the order for me. some of these businesses make the comment, and go out of the way to keep other employees from "miss" me or "out" me.--


I also lost some documents on a commuter train last night, called 311 and filed a Police report, a meeting is in order, Ive been a utter butch lately slightly insane, but just crappy. I lost my name maker change paper work tired aorund 10pm last night after a late night dinner a a lot of DMV paper work


I slept ok, I ate somewhat ok thismorning, and rested well. I have a concuelignapointment about my depression and PTSD at the womens clinic.




Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
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Friday, April 25, 2008




4/25/08


Today I am stressed out and close to buring out, I feel lost, and hurt. I feel my friend potrayed me and used, me. I feel hurt, I feel I was taken advange of, and debits not repayed. I am sober, and clean and productive but for what?

For what fucking reason?


I lost all, walked away from all, have not much to go back to. I hurt, badly and suffer daily in my soul. I try to find inner peace, joy and enlightment and progress into life.

The answer is I dont know, the answer is I cant answer, the truth is, I dont know.


I sobered, up in the reasoning of stoping drinking, I left houston because I reseneted my prior actions, I was honest with others about past actions.


I am tried of suffering, badly. I feel potrayed my good, friend was a sham, she fliped out, even when I was honest she used, me. She is lazy, and doesnt know much, but was fun. I will never become co-dependant that way again, and be used. I am afraid.


I am tired, if I cant remove my desire to drink I want to kill myself, the desire to drink or kill myself to scrafivce my safety given when I drink I am a danger to myself and others is very real. Instutuoin is not, I cant admit defeat for this reason, but I move on but death and the grim reaper is near, I am tired, hungry, lonely and sober and tired of fucking suffering.


This Document Composed by


McInnis Lee Gaetjens “Leigh”

PO BOX 425081

SAN FRANCISCO, CA 94142

(713) 578-0016 MOBILE PHONE / VOICEMAIL

LEEMCG.COM / LEEMCG@LEEMCG .COM



04/24/2008 This Document composed on 4/24/2008 for the weekly meeting and upcoming board meeting


To the Board and fellowship Of the Morning Church Street Fellowship of AA 12-step meetings




Section I – The Problem


I present that Mike Has been Loud and Disrupting, and makes many members of the room feel unsafe. And further more,


  • (1.) Mike Continues to carry a Illegal Concealed weapon and publicly brandish a “auto club” which is not being used for its intended purpose, and also has stated “He gets beat up and in flights, and carries it for his own protection”

  • (2.) Mike carries a bottle of booze, into the meetings in his waist band,

  • (3.) Mike continues to come into the rooms under the use, of drinking and crystal meth, (self-admited) and possibly other unknown illegal and mind altering substances

  • (4.) Mike has made some minor threats to other women, and made many folks unsafe, and Jepordises the people who are new in sobriety (less than 18 months to 2 years)

  • (5.) Mike Gets up and goes to the bathroom, (possibly to use or drink) and goes in and out, and almost constantly has been disruptive and asked to leave for the past two (2) weeks

  • (6.)0 Mike has made me uncomfortable with his unwanted advances, and others as well

  • (7.) On other occasions outside the meetings, Mike in recent times has ganged op on me with some of his party street friends, and others who occasionally visit the meetings. I have been pushed down the stairs, I have been aggressively panhandled, I have had my arm grabbed outside 18th street on one occasion

  • (8.) Mike has said after his threats and asking him to leave, on Monday, on Tuesday that “ I am a police informant for the homicide officer that is following him and I should be dealt with”

  • (9.) I had to call the police due to mike making me extremely uncomfortable due to keeping a club, and deadly weapon as well as a empty booze bottle (very large) I called 911 from my cellular phone (713) 578-0016 two times at 7:30 am, mike was asked to leave shortly afterward, the police arrived around 8:18 AM. And said they would talk to him and left after I had another witness that was willing to back things up

  • (10.) Mike has been made aware and coached on numerous occasions about his actions terrosiign the meeting and safe haven of AA and that his actions make others afraid and uncomfortable and are not acceptable behaviors.


Section II Facts

The points outlined, above state the following Facts


Facts: #1-8


  • (1.) As a group which leases the Privilege to use the Space, The church that we lease from needs to be made aware of Mikes Actions due to the fact it is a insurance and personal injury liability

  • (2.) The Police need to be made aware of mikes actions (by groups of us making a police report at a substation) Not doing this opens the church, and fellowship to Criminal and Civil Liability

  • (3.) Mike is not mike, The drinking, drugs, and crystal meth and his described actions make Mike a Danger to the group and the continued privilege to use the rooms at the church

  • (4.) We need to make the Church Administration aware of Mike and Mikes actions, to protect the church, and us as chairs and fellowship and members from Criminal, Civil Liability and as a common courtesy given we are being allowed the privilege to use the property and being good neighbors of AA. And Maybe a GSR or Central office Rep should be further consulted

PAGE 1-OF-


  • (5.) Mike is a public safety hazard in the meeting, a Personal Injury hazard, to Himself, Others and The Group Fellowship of AA, and The Church, and a Civil and Criminal Liability risk due to the Reasons Listed In

  • (6.) We are not helping Mike if we allow Him to Disrupt our sanctuary, and continue his self-destructive actions.

  • (7.) Mikes daily actions are defeating us from our primary purpose to stay sober and stop drinking and help other members of AA, who want to stay sober, and achieve sobriety from doing such, Mikes actions are scaring away new comers, women and people with long term soberity

  • (8.) Mikes & Other folks acting in Mikes manner and their actions are taking away from the time from people who want to be there,





Section III


Opinions:



It is the opinion of myself and reason Logic:



  • (1.) That I don't have a problem with mike, I have a problem with Mikes actions and Behaviors both witnessed and documented and Undocumented and Unreported

  • (2.) Mike is taking advantage of our kindness, to get free coffee, get out the cold, and possibly steal (a purse was stolen recently) and use drugs or spike his coffee with booze and or illegal drugs.

  • (3.)Mike is using the meetings liberal spirt and forgiveness, while I genuinely do not have a problem with mike, Mike Is Not Mike The drinking, drug use, Is a danger to Himself, and others. And taking us away from those who want to remain sober, we are allowing mike to distract from the meeting

  • (4.) If Mike hurts anyone we as a group members, the church, and leaders could be held labile in a wrongful death lawsuit or personal injury lawsuit

  • (5.)Mike should not be allowed in the rooms carrying a weapon, or drugs

  • (6.) Mike should have a set of guidelines to be allowed in the rooms for our safety as a group from physical harm, and legal and civil law suits and the church

  • (7.) Mike should not be allowed to bring a booze in the meeting, Mike should not be allowed to consume coffee, continue to move around, or go to the bathroom (possibly using drugs or putting booze in his coffee)

  • (8.) Mike needs to be searched going into the rooms, and listen and not move around causing disruptions

  • (8B) Mike Needs professional mental health, and substance abuse treatment, we should try to have a judge or police officer 51-50 Himself

  • (9.) I haw tried to be liberal in spirt with mike, even if my own past, I have been in shoes simulr to mike, it endangers my sobriety and I understand what mike is going through

  • (10.) I personally believe Mike Might understand he has a problem, but cant stop his self destroying actions, I don't think he wants to harm himself, or Others. But due to his drinking and drug use He is a large danger to himself and others due to the well established unpredictably of someone under the influence of illegal substances

  • (11.)Mike is distracting the meeting from its primary purpose of staying sober and stop drinking, he is causing many folks to feel uncomfortable where the meeting is not productive, and therefore not achieving its primary purpose

  • (12.) We should try and make accommodations mike, with very strict guidelines and simple and for all members of the group, perhaps Intergroup or rules from First Place or another meeting could be adopted or drafted and approved my majority vote




Section IV

Suggested Course(S) of Action In Addtion to matters listed in Section III (opnions)


(a.) We Need to make it clear to Mike He Is not welcome until he can come to a meeting, not armed with a deadly, dangerous object, concealed weapon, or item which could be used as a device to harm others.


(b.) All who feel afraid by mikes actions, need to go to the police substation, Ideally as a group fellowship, to make a report against mike and his constant destructive actions.

Page 2-of-3

(c.) If Mike Is to continue to attend those meetings, a MALE member needs to be called upon, to search mike for deadly objects, drugs, booze bottles, Mike is to remain seated, and if he leaves, gets up for coffee, or goes to the bathroom, he needs to leave the property for the day and consider himself “86ed” until the next meeting and or board meeting given the groups feelings of that date.


(d.) If No one is available or willing to search mike, and Mike does not follow the guidelines above or that we set he needs to leave in a clam respectful manner, which does not disturb others


(e.) Mike needs to leave female members alone, that are afraid of him or not want to correspond with him, in his present state of mind, and this could be a confession for attending the 12-step meetings, if he can not abide by this rule he needs to be asked to leaves


(f)Mike due to safety reasons should be required to check bags until leaving, if he does not comply he should be asked to leave or if NO willing member able to provide this service he should be asked to leave.



(g.) I f Mike wants help, we should as a group, and fellowship of AA not destructing from our primary purpose, to stay sober and stop drinking. We Should if he asks for treatment or mental health assistance call SFPD to 51-50 him, or self-commit himself. Service is part of the fellowship of AA, and part of San Francisco Liberal Spirt.


(h) If Mike continues to make unwanted sexual advances, or harass or bother female members of AA, he should be asked to leave for the day.


(I) We should try and allow him to attend mike, with very strict guidelines and simple and for all members of the group, perhaps Intergroup or rules from First Place or another meeting could be adopted or drafted and approved my majority vote


(J) Everyone deserves a chance, but Mike and others are taking advance of our kindness and distracting us from Our primary purpose, to stay sober and help others, which the numerous disruptions, out bursts, sexual advances need to be addressed


(K) I also don't think other folks who have poor hygiene should be kicked out for that reason, everyone needs, AA, even the poor beggar, if they are not disruptive or a danger to the group another member should be swap places, with the offend individual, and swap chairs to minimize disruptions to the meeting in a discreet manner, its part of the unity and service portion that allows AA to work, and not all newcomers come from clean, and oak backgrounds, and is very over-judgemenal, and not very giving


  1. I think application of guidelines, should be addressed on a case, by case basis in accordance with the individual and unity and service as a group at a board meeting.

.

  1. A set of concquecnes and policty guidelines needs to be estblahsed for Mikes and other possible actions for the chair and as a group for dealing with matters such as this in the future but with the group present as a whole, but not deverting into a social group, just something very simple one page and swift so the meeting can continue as quickly as possible.















Page 3-of-3









--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Wednesday, April 23, 2008


4/23/08


The reality of myself, and who I am as an in divudal sets clear, I discussed with ray, how much though I dont idol him, worship him or woriship 12-step meetings, I have been icolating, and wanted to tell him I love him, I think I would be in jail or prison or drunk or dead or have gone on a viglantie spree, if I had not found (again) when I was ready the fellowship of AA.



The reality is, I have much to commit, for myself and what I need to do. I plan and take on to much it is one of my flaws, but on a postive note, I put others before myself, and I contunie to progresss, into enlightment and zen. I signed up and contacted someone for the rent control canvising for the city upcoming election.


I further more went to my morning meeting, and ave a few other commitments for myself and life and progressive enlightenment for myself. I spoke up for myself, and further more others spoke up as well, ray taught me the proper


I ate ok, some grilled veggies, and also drank water and of course coffee, sent e-mails, called a few old friends, I also am going to do my DPS drivers license soon, and travel soon, and go pick up my pickup truck in Phoenix pending transport.


I have an appointment with a worker and therpsit, and other things. And other things, enrol met at the collage in a few weeks an appointment at the law center, this moring, some other lady stood up as I did in fear, the board meeting and we will do something about it, amazingly the group as sq whole or at least today doesn't feel unsafe, but about 1/.3 or us do.


Not to focus on that, but the group does agree each day he is drinking in the meeting, and carrying multiple cornfield weapons needs to be addressed and asked to leave, one day at a time. Seems to be the consensus, now he feels I am “working against him for the police” I fear for my safety, now I am in the postisit others put me i9n, but I am being assertive and confidant which I did not before, I used to be a drunk, paranoid, homophobic, trans-phobic, cold heated bitch, and that is changing one day at time 9 months 14 days later, it works!


Furthermore, I am making progress and becoming more secure withmyself without drinking, or abusing drugs similar to Barry bonds, one of san Francisco's shame, who disappeared form AT&T park like a Mafia style hit, without a trace.


Eyes with out a face, but I have voice, I slept well and took a shower and worked my program and took good care of myself, and continue to progress in my program and working my life.














--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Tuesday, April 22, 2008



4/20/08

The reality of life and what I do, is more. The reality of myself, and who I am is what I know more. The reality is what I know and who I know, is what I feel. I discovered myself. And my chapter to my own awaking. I slept good, no plumbing problems this morning in the bathroom, I got opt late late night 9:30 ish, and awoke around 3:45 AM (PST) this morning and continue to the path to enlightenment and inner peace.


The reality is, I look foward to the future, I accepted defeat, that I cant change the past, or resentments about the past. I cant change resentments toward, Houston Area Community Services, The Houston Transgender Unity Community, Chirtsan Williams, (HACS / Transgender)Antique, Victor, Carl. John, James, Elmadean, Tina, Henry, (Wal-Mart 3296) i ALSO know I have to let go, and with working on my resenemtns and starting over with-out repeating prior transgressions, I tdcidded to cancel and rebook, my trip ot phonix for the poruopse of transporting my truck and little proepty seince I purged and walked away.


Many years later, I shallk return to houston to make ammends, but First I must get some managaabilly in my life once again. I had a wondeerful womens meeting, our lady of safe way might get swapped for the Alano Club or The marinia Dock again.


I am unsure as to what I might do, but one day ata time, progress not prefection I make peace withmyself and chapter to my own gnositism.


4/21/2008


In other news, today I ate ok, some (gasp) fish even though vegan, to keep the bitch swithc off I shall, I further progressed and got my health back I have not been eating well sometimes doing a day or two with only a begal for lunch or so, and drinking to much coffee or to little water of fluids.


I supposed I am depressed, and stressed, but still sober. Today was ok as far as producativitey but semi lazy, I ahng out at the center a bit and took care of some leagl forms, and fincial ammends to people places and things in texas. I also found out someone I know from my party days is back in conty and going to huntsville on a 3rd strike for numrouis felonys.


I also found out more, about past things, and was a bit busy-body as I am very good at doing. I ate ok, rested, and took care of life. I further progressed into peace. I talked to ray, and thanked him, and asked for his plans of 50 years sober the golden soberity. I e-mailed ben some things.


I talked to danille a bit, and moved on but I have been being alone latey, Pushing folks away not calling, I think I found a sponsor that works for me, and I can be totally honest with. I also have a new crush to speak of, that I like, and I contunie further into enlighemnt even if at my nown scoail life a bit down, and mellowing out, and becomijgn less self-centered, needly and busy bodyish.


I love life, I just am leanening to live again, I had a salad recently and also saw another fucked up cracked out transtgender whom “knows me” I dont know you well, I dont asscoaite with people who drink use drugs or at least make a honest effort to stop. Its not my problem.


Maybe sometimes I am a cold-hearted bitch, but at least I admit my faults and admit my fact, and views are not mainstream GLBT or Transgender, or women or my LDS (former) faith.






4/22/08


TODAY went to our lady of safe way MB was disruptive, and carried a “CLUB” into the AA meeting, I stood, up and called 911- at 7:30 AM this morning and SFPD arrived at 8:15 way after the meeting, I am tired of not being safe this week, I have been bothered I hate when drunks hit on me, grope me or otherwise don't make me feel safe inside the church which I attended meetings, I saw Ben is morning who is going to Houston for a conference, which I told to say hi to old friends, and aqauinaces, and gave him some resources to use.


In other news, I slept well had a wonderful shower, yesterday was somewhat productive, I am planning my trip amongst other factors, I also have to pick up my MUNI fastness soon as well. And have much to do, I checked mail some of the Trucks Tax documents were enclosed.


I understand moving, and geographics is stressful for sobriety, but I understood, like hell as selfish and cold hoarded and even as MB was this morning, that could be me, and furthermore I have no Hard feelings toward my biggest resentment myself, but To be damned if I admit defeat to those I associate ith me becoming a drunk.


I am acoutnbale for how I deal with it the meeting is deviled with this. I am tried of MB coming to the meetings drunk with booze in the back pocket, why the fuck should I change where I go to meetings, the next step is to contact the church administration about my concerns, I am not going to let this go. Just as I was in the past, I now am put in a simaulr suituion. I go there to be safe, and sober, and around someone who day after day, drinks, uses, bums coffee and gets out the cold, to use over and over again, AA isn't really the place, county jail or a detox, is the place. And yes I am afraid and no I will not sit idle, that's how I rashionaled my drinking, acts of violence, and other affairs.


You cant help someone that doesn't want it, but you can send them to jail, maybe they will have their moment of calory maybe not, I am powerless over someone's choice not to be sober, but if My safety and sobeeeirty and someone armed with a potetnional deadly weapon and drinking, needs to stop, I will take this where ever it needs to go, how ever far it goes. I don't have a problem, with MB I have a problem with Mbs actions, and behaviors, much as others did with me.


The irony, I'm going to stop my eating disorder thing, take better care of myself. And move forward. I need another meeting, because my meeting is bound by threats of valiance; that stupid far left liberals, try to forgive, why the fuck should I by cookies out of the goodness of my ehart to slow chronic active drug users and drugs to sit in a meeting, that obviously daunt want to change they want coffee, shelter from the cold, and food and go back out again, fuck that shit, Id rather maybe a moment t of sober and reality in jail would give them desire to stop. Maybe getting beat up by law enforcement would help.


It worked in my case, I realized I wore out my welcome and moved forward. Maybe others need a moment of clarity as well.


In any matter a huge vegan lunch nis ion order, I have some banking and other forms to print later at the center, I have a appointment with some civil legal matters and move on with my life, plus soon a trip to the DPS office is in order. Caio.



--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Saturday, April 19, 2008

4/19/08


Today was semi productive went to 8am our lady of Safeway, My past from Houston and LAMBA kept coming back and is 24 hours sober now, I also went to a women's chip meeting in the mission. Not far from the informs Lexington club.

I also checked mail, took care of finance transitions, sent a few letters, filed a few police reports with SFPD, and will file another one about my stalker and make a formal sexual harassment complaint for the guy who keeps bothering me.

I also composed more of my letters, uploaded some photos I took and more recent posts, But I am powerless over people palaces and things, I am going to start going to a deferent meeting early morning to renew my conventions and commitment one day at time to sobriety due to violence, and cleaning house “86” ing folks from the meeting. (California mingling term for banned)


The lingo is different but I love this town, I pick up my student Id, I also have some casual and carrier clothes to pick up also via the love of recycle, I have some things to do for banking, insurance, legal and drivers license issues name., marker change as well as other factors.

I also officially canceled my trip to New Orleans, and Texas to have my auto per my wonderful Counceler, Therepsits request and my own good judgement to have my pick em' truck transported to Phoenix, or Vegas, or Possibly San Diego, or Los Angeles.

My will, and a few other factors, I moved over my current crush, and life goes on. I am progressing one day at a time, today I ate pretty healthy and did my mooring walk, and had coffee, and slept well last night, had more plumbing problems,a dn I awake deal, shaved my legs, and other girl rooming things this morning.

Today was pretty progressive and bit fun, and I explored more, tomorrow church might be in order, or I might go to a movie alone, I need some fun time, my therapist and sponsor told, me whom I was unable to call her.

I might stay up a bit later maybe even out but 10pm is my bedtime and 2-4am is my wake-up time and I am out thud door between 5am-6am daily, I spoke to my former bishop petty today,a nod ran into Mormon missionary's on Bart today as well.

I went walking, and epxlorered the mission area more, and further ousdie Castro upper market, I might go out to the marina m or embarcadero tommorw. I don't have much time for tourist things, but I have some busy chapters upcoming, I think I might wait for a very hot day (by San Francisco Standards for that)

I've Learned to, be quiet and in the moment, calm, cool collected, to progress. I also know progress snot perfection, the threats of violence, and disorder which I try to remove myself from are disturbing, a new meeting from our lady of sideway is in order again.

I feel good, and am Grateful for what I have life, sobriety, dreams (the CAli dream) and a future and youth and my my health. One day at time, It does work, for better or worse, but keeping the primary purpose, soberity.

I talked to Ray today and told Mr Hill, that I was Grateful; for guiding me to the meeting, I was tired of the same old shit. I told him, I don't know anything, I have to find balance, and learn self parenting skills, all of my life the drink was gone but the actions, and Decpetion, lies, and dishonesty, and AA behaviors were. My mother and father though their Insanity taught me that at young age were I rebuild my life, my dad supposedly moved on, my mother didn't and it Killed her.

I know I keep coming back and learn how to parent myself, life, and find balance, though fellowship and understanding. It works, and so do I.

Your sister In sobeirity

Leigh Lee McInnis Gaetjens of San Francico, CA – sobriety Date Friday, July , 13th – 2007
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Friday, April 18, 2008

The Answer is, I Don;t Know, I just keep coming back!




4/18/08



The reality of my life, and progress to my chapter to my own progress. I understand more of the art of being quiet, I was rejected and Give up on my crush more recently, I need to learn to respect boundaries, I don't understand her one day we are happy go lucky the next she rejects me.


Blah, I also pushed some of my code, and worked more on my San Francisco resources, I didn't have a shower or bathroom or access again today, so I have to work something out, I managed to take another shower or half ass, I still smell clean and pissy.


I am a bit in good spirits, then reason ray hill is a friend and has a good radio show he has a warm Col. Standards southern hospitably, but friendly tell it AS IT is, personality. I have learned I need to be quiet and listen, more, the reality of my self is I know nothing, all of my life I have had these very AA habits but not the drinking, I learned to be evil, a liar and minuipulatior at a young age, I am much as my mother, my father said it best.


I have had some early child-flashbacks living in San Francisco, I also learned more about my own personal jesus. I also learned I am better when I don't get to caught in self, and Listen more and respect outs boundaries and not even though my over observation, and good detective skills, and good at putting two and two together and sharp attention to detail, given my mother called me her sharp eyes, and assailant given I was a bright child, and highly intelligent.


I feel more with my own personal Recovery depends on service, resigning the bottom, and unity and peace love and a fist of joy love and interpersonal enlightenment for my soul, and heart mind and body is a temple.


I more foawrd one day at time, learning though enlightenment, my session wnas very productive yesterday, and highly enlightening for my soul. I learned more and more about myself and continue to be born again, grow in the mind, heart and though unity reseovery.


Powerless over the past, I have power over the present minute, day, hour and half hour, each second passes I have power.



I slept good last night, had plumbing problems this morning (San Francisco is a old city) I also took care of other things, rested, ate grilled seasoned potato's, coffee, ice water, grilled onions, grilled garlic


I went walking, called the folks, took care of other things, might have to move to a different living arrangement due to plumbing and other things. I rested more, walked and fellowship with a new comer, I like life, and took care of other things, but I don't need codependacy or other parts.


I sent a few e-mails out and helped a new comer with some parts of my past and binge drinking days, I received a copy of my driving record, I am going to get my truck and property most is gone trucked to phoenix, LAX, or San Deigo.


I also composed code, the weather is lovely, I uploaded some recent photos, I have a few papers to compose for school, personal, personal business, and step work.


Myself, I worked more on setting up the servers content management system for leemcg.com 3.0 (2.0) was created than removed very very briefly, and released as 1.1, yada, yada its present form.


I also am setting up the forums, chat, and is modeled for outreach and work simulr to Christians TransHouston site, whom my resentment, towards self, and others but I move on in my planner to today.


And is also why I am not taking my flight in august to New Orleans International airport, from Oakland International Airport. I found a place to store my picked close to the San Francisco Airport outside San Francisco in the city of south sun Francisco, not far from 101, and the big mountains and hiking which you can go camping in 4x4 pickup trucks.


The other factor, is I am sober today, I am not going to drink today, get angry, go insane, or take drugs or drink. I live pretty vegan, straight edge and somewhat simple. Just some material things I am not ready to part with.


I also don't know what I want I spent all of my 27 years around others ideals, beliefs, I don't know who the real lee is per say. I will find her, I have these mixture of emotions, I don't have anger at males, other Lesbians, Transgenders, Gays, Bisexuals, Gender Quuers, Youth, drugs, crackpots, fallen women, or women of the night, I make progress not perfection.


I am grateful I enevr had to escort, drug, or other things, but I did abuse HRT and steroids, 9 months and 6 days ago was my last drink, and for that I am turely greatful. We do what we must to make it in the world.


I had to walk away because the biggest resentment in Houston was myself, not anyone sle, I had to make a new me. Its hard, but I am learning to be quiet and listen, and my cruch ona Russian lesbian has gone with the wind, I am to young in sobriety for relationships, but I have the fellowship of AA, and sobetrity and clarity, the answer is how it works.......... I don't know, I just keep coming back, and somehow it works out, one day at a time.


Your sister in sobriety Leigh.




4/18/08



The reality of my life, and progress to my chapter to my own progress. I understand more of the art of being quiet, I was rejected and Give up on my crush more recently, I need to learn to respect boundeires, I dont understand her one day we are happy go lucky the next she rejects me.


Blah, I also pushed some of my code, and worked more on my san francsico resocues, I didnt have a shower or bathroom or access again today, so I have to work something out, I manged to take another shower or half ass, I still smeel clean and pissy.


I am a bit in good spsirts, then reason ray hill is a friend and has a good radio show he has a warm Col. Sandards southern hosptialy, but friendly tell it aS IT is, personallity. I have learned I need to be quiet and listen, more, the reality of my self is I know nothing, all of my life I have had these very AA habbits but not the drinking, I leanred to be evil, a lier and minuipulatior at a young age, I am much as my mother, my father said it best.


I have had some early child-flashbacks living in san francsico, I also learned more about my own personal jesus.I also learned I am better when I dont get to caught in self, and Listen more and respct outs bournderies and not even though my over observation, and good detectiuve skills, and good at putting two and two together and sharp attention to detail, given my mother called me her sharp eyes, and assaitanct given I was a bright child, and highly intellegent.


I feel more with my own perosnal Recovery depends on service, rasiging the bottom, and unity and peace love and a fist of joy love and interpersonal enlightment for my soul, and hearnt mind and body is a temple.


I more foawrd one day at time, learning though enlightment, my session wnas very productive yesterday, and highly enlightinging for my soul. I leanred more and more about myself and contunie to be born again, grow in the mind, heart and though unity reseovery.


Powerless oever the past, I have power over the presnt minuite, day, hour and half hour, each second passes I have power.


Last Night I slept good, had some bathroom plubming problems (san francisco is a old city) and ate good roasted seasoned potatios, coffee, water, and grilled onions and garlic.


I went to my meeting, socialized, fellowshiped with service to a newcomer, and took care of a few other things





Lee McInnis Gaetjens


Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger




4/18/08



The reality of my life, and progress to my chapter to my own progress. I understand more of the art of being quiet, I was rejected and Give up on my crush more recently, I need to learn to respect boundeires, I dont understand her one day we are happy go lucky the next she rejects me.


Blah, I also pushed some of my code, and worked more on my san francsico resocues, I didnt have a shower or bathroom or access again today, so I have to work something out, I manged to take another shower or half ass, I still smeel clean and pissy.


I am a bit in good spsirts, then reason ray hill is a friend and has a good radio show he has a warm Col. Sandards southern hosptialy, but friendly tell it aS IT is, personallity. I have learned I need to be quiet and listen, more, the reality of my self is I know nothing, all of my life I have had these very AA habbits but not the drinking, I leanred to be evil, a lier and minuipulatior at a young age, I am much as my mother, my father said it best.


I have had some early child-flashbacks living in san francsico, I also learned more about my own personal jesus.I also learned I am better when I dont get to caught in self, and Listen more and respct outs bournderies and not even though my over observation, and good detectiuve skills, and good at putting two and two together and sharp attention to detail, given my mother called me her sharp eyes, and assaitanct given I was a bright child, and highly intellegent.


I feel more with my own perosnal Recovery depends on service, rasiging the bottom, and unity and peace love and a fist of joy love and interpersonal enlightment for my soul, and hearnt mind and body is a temple.


I more foawrd one day at time, learning though enlightment, my session wnas very productive yesterday, and highly enlightinging for my soul. I leanred more and more about myself and contunie to be born again, grow in the mind, heart and though unity reseovery.


Powerless oever the past, I have power over the presnt minuite, day, hour and half hour, each second passes I have power.


Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger




4/18/08



The reality of my life, and progress to my chapter to my own progress. I understand more of the art of being quiet, I was rejected and Give up on my crush more recently, I need to learn to respect boundeires, I dont understand her one day we are happy go lucky the next she rejects me.


Blah, I also pushed some of my code, and worked more on my san francsico resocues, I didnt have a shower or bathroom or access again today, so I have to work something out, I manged to take another shower or half ass, I still smeel clean and pissy.


I am a bit in good spsirts, then reason ray hill is a friend and has a good radio show he has a warm Col. Sandards southern hosptialy, but friendly tell it aS IT is, personallity. I have learned I need to be quiet and listen, more, the reality of my self is I know nothing, all of my life I have had these very AA habbits but not the drinking, I leanred to be evil, a lier and minuipulatior at a young age, I am much as my mother, my father said it best.


I have had some early child-flashbacks living in san francsico, I also learned more about my own personal jesus.I also learned I am better when I dont get to caught in self, and Listen more and respct outs bournderies and not even though my over observation, and good detectiuve skills, and good at putting two and two together and sharp attention to detail, given my mother called me her sharp eyes, and assaitanct given I was a bright child, and highly intellegent.


I feel more with my own perosnal Recovery depends on service, rasiging the bottom, and unity and peace love and a fist of joy love and interpersonal enlightment for my soul, and hearnt mind and body is a temple.


I more foawrd one day at time, learning though enlightment, my session wnas very productive yesterday, and highly enlightinging for my soul. I leanred more and more about myself and contunie to be born again, grow in the mind, heart and though unity reseovery.


Powerless oever the past, I have power over the presnt minuite, day, hour and half hour, each second passes I have power.


Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Thursday, April 17, 2008

one day at time to zen!




4/17/08


The reality of my interpersonal growth, last night had someone around me who is obviously not working her program and falls into the GLBT spectrim, and got 2nd stoned not by choice, and to most discomfort, had a very productive meeting and got back on my program.


NM is very co-depedant, it bitchy and shut me out and well I feel used, me remebering progress not prefection, I am powerless over other people places and things, despite the fact myself in my heart Like money, power and control and have a domnatirix, overburdending, nosey not minding my own business personallity, and am very good at being a busy body and minupulating things to my advantage or disadvantage.



The relity further more, of my interpesonal growth, enlightment and further dfevelopment of my powerless and defeat and admiting fault, and moving on into postive affirming growth and enlightment is true but also well freaky and a bit odd and obscure.


Today I recived some drivers licneseing things, and reports. I also checked out other factors, I uploaded more photos to my photobucket, Have a student Id to pick up soon, I also talked to My wonderful therpesit about things life, my transgender issues, my trnstion, anger, resentment, familty, childhood and plans for life and what and mastakes and pitfalls I made.


The reality of my personal grwothand enlightment further more explains the growth of my soul, peace and love and fist. I know more about my life, and who I am as an individual and recive peace, all of my life I have lied, cheated used and abused and minuiplutaed others, I dont know or understand real relatshionships my living in San Francisco has grown more, and even had flashbacks to my ealry minuipulation at 3 or 5 years old. Some of it I shall discuss furhter next week in theprey with my wonderful therpsit at the same bat time, same bat place, same bat channel and some regualrity, but being a predictiable creature of habbit, I have found some un-pridtcabllity but more postive, I must remain calm, focued and disiplained for my future greatfuly depends on such matters and the future of myself.


I know what I should have known than before and now, I know more about my soul, peace and love, I know who I am as a woman, and futher more an indpendant one at that. I know I am making the correct and proper choices for my future of today and tommorow, and continueing to enlightment and zen, I am right.


The also enlightment of my soul, and personal jesus, for my peace, I discover more about myself, and enlightment. I contunie to grow, and blosssom of the furits of life and being born again int the rooms and fellowship, the fights, the good times and the bad times, and progress not prefection of the rooms of AA.


I know but being quiet and listing and observing more, I make progress I know what is right and wrong, what I am and who I want to be, only time will, tell one day. I move forward.


I know I have to be quiet, listen and progress into change, and control my domnatrix personality, and my vampire personality and progress into enlightment for the soul and elightment for my peace, and keep my self-destrive, abusive to myself and others and desttive roller coaster life under wraps to keep progress not prefection.








--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Wednesday, April 16, 2008

A open letter in Progress but Not Prefection!


4/16/08


The reality of being sober, Progress not perfection.


An e-mail to my geeky, gender queer sponsor.


I am feeling better, I rested yesterday from 3 pm awoke at 7pm, and slept more, had an interview yesterday, and I also got more sleep, went to the our lady of safeway meeting tbhis morning, I feel better and less of a bitch as I have been lately, Ive been being quiet and listning more, I am sorry for exploeding recently at the country club, I rested good for my soberity and soul and feel better.


I awoke again at 2am and got up and showered at 4am, My back pain went away, and I got must needed sleep and r&r, I have been eating betterr and adherieing to my vegan belifes and following my religous beleiefs and have cut back on dariy, meat, starch, and coffee and tea, soda and junk foods.


I also am still working the 1st steap in paragrpah form.”


Yesterday Recap:


I am takeing better care of myself, and also Called my father to tell him I am sorry about calling his wife nasty names, sometimes I can be a cold hearted bitch, I also talked to a nice security guard downtown, and in conversation outed myself as a former drunk, who didnt drink in meetings and kept comeing back.


We were discussing the politics of San Francisco and Gavin Nustom, and the welfare and homeless issue in San Franccisco, given yeterday afernoon. And using MUNI for school commuters and the bad kids that need a good ass kicking.


Yetserday some rude kids pushed me a bit, and called me something, kids today are nastym, rude and have no manners the world has become a cesspool, and San Francsico whuile as librial as it is, Is an adults playground and not a good place to rase-childrent or have children unless you are very wealthy, live in the suburbs.


Regardless, we also talked more election politics, and I slept and had a good informal interveiw, I also ran into someone from the LDS church that I had not seen in a very long time afterwards.


This WEEK:




I have a counceling apointment and therpey apointment., and other things this week I am very busy. And tired and sleepy. I also burned out more and more and might go down to the university later this week. I also have understood the trip to Louisiana and Texas is NOT A GOOD IDEA, and think of phonix, and AZ or LAX as a place, I also found a auto storage place in South San Francsico not far from the airport (SFO) and The port and cargo plants, I also found places in other things.


God (of my understanding) Bless myself, texas, San Francisco, My Higher power and My own personal Jesus.


I have a wonderful day and life and faith restored.





--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger